不用武器
No weapons?
我一直在学单击死亡拳法
I’ve been learning how to do single blow death punches
作为给你的圣诞惊喜
as a Christmas surprise for you.
泰瑞 你真贴心
Terry, that is so thoughtful.
你怎么知道我喜欢超频的武打片
How did you know I love overclocked martial arts movies?
我注意到了
I pay attention.
杰米 你的爸爸们回家了
Jamie, your daddies are home.
而且我们是来道歉的 小天使
And we’re here to apologize, you little angel.
太迟了 父亲们
You’re late, fathers.
晚了八十年
Eighty years too late.
恶心 他的身体和他的灵魂一样扭曲畸形
Eww. His body’s as crooked and deformed as his soul.
你一直在这制♥造♥辛贝克隆人
You’ve been making Sinbad clones in here?
我对你很失望 儿子
I’m disappointed in you, son.
我们来向你道歉
We came here to apologize
没给你买♥♥涡轮超人玩具
for not giving you the Turbo Man toy.
我已经有了
I already have a Turbo Man.
我集齐了所有的涡轮超人
I have all the Turbo Men.
我拒绝接受你们可悲的道歉
I refuse your pathetic apology.
我需要父亲时 你们在哪
Where were you when I needed a father?
哥们 现在流媒体平台选择太多了
Look, man, in a world with infinite streaming options,
真的没什么动力看完一整部剧
there just isn’t any pressure to finish watching what you start.
“伞学院”我就只看了一集半
I only watched an episode and a half of Umbrella Academy.
你能不能别这么混♥蛋♥ 接受道歉就好了
Could you just accept our apology and stop being such a dick?
你们抛弃我时 我意识到我只能靠自己
When you abandoned me, I realized I could only rely on myself.
我建立了自己的帝国和变异人军队 就为了…
I built my empire and my army of mutant clones to…
谁在乎啊 圣诞节只剩一分钟了
No one cares. We only have one minute of Christmas left.
赶紧接受道歉 结束这该死的故事吧
Just accept our apology and finish this fucking story.
吃屁吧 老爸
Eat shit, Daddy.
他永远不会让我们完成情感之旅了
He’s never gonna let us finish our emotional journeys,
但我们必须在这圆♥满♥结束
but we have to wrap something up here.
怎么办
What do we do?
杰米以前真是个好孩子
Jamie used to be such a good boy.
不敢相信他竟然变成了坏人…
I can’t believe he turned into the bad gu…
等下
Wait a minute.
又来求我原谅你了 爸
Coming over to beg me more, Dad?
不是呢 宝贝
Oh sweetie, no.
我是来痛扁你这个大反派
I’m coming over to beat the shit out of the bad guy
结束这部操蛋的电影
and finish this damn movie.
我的牙
My tooth!
我的心脏
My heart!
天啊 起作用了
Oh my god, it’s working.
各位 杰米不再是我们亲爱的儿子了
Guys, Jamie’s not our loving son anymore.
他是个恶棍
He’s the bad guy.
我们只要把这老家伙打得屁滚尿流
All we have to do is kick this old man’s dick into his ass,
就能恢复我们的节日精神了
and then we’ll get our spirits back.
她说得对 这太爽了
She’s right, that felt great.
父亲 不要
Father. No!
我的圣诞精神又回来了
I have the spirit of Christmas again.
我感觉好极了
I feel amazing.
历经千难万险
Against all odds,
外星人们暴打这个老混♥蛋♥时
each time the aliens struck the withered old asshole,
他们的心逐渐丰盈起来
their hearts grew bigger and bigger,
充满了圣诞的欢乐
filling with Christmas joy
直到快要跳出胸腔
until they were ready to burst.
他的血尝起来像圣诞节
This blood tastes like Christmas.
我感觉自己洋溢着温暖的节日欢乐
I feel brimming with huggy holiday jingle joy.
我们都是
We all do,
因为我们一家人一起杀了我们儿子
because we killed our son as a family,
而一家人在圣诞节一起做一些事
and doing things as a family on Christmas
最有圣诞气氛了
is the most Christmassy Christmas shit of all.
我爱你们
I love you guys.
我们真的得看完演职员表吗
Do we really have to watch the credits?
不知道 我们上次提前溜了
I don’t know. Look at all the shit that happened
结果就发生了这些破事
after we bailed early last time.
还是谨慎行事吧
Best to play it safe.
一路响叮当”演员]
丽塔·威尔逊有两个助理
Rita Wilson had two assistants?
这些演职员表有多长啊
How long are these credits?
没多少了吧
It can’t be much longer.
我们这剧应该不需要太多人啊
It didn’t seem like it took too many people to make this thing.
等等 好像结束了
Wait, wait, wait, I think they’re over.
加拿大的第二工作组 没劲
Second Unit in Canada. Boo!
妈的 -天啊
‐ Fuck! ‐ Oh god!
虽然这件事可能
You know, that might have been
很繁琐 很愚蠢 很烦人 很白♥痴♥ 很操蛋
a big, stupid, annoying, stupid, shitty thing to do,
但我还是挺高兴我们能一起过圣诞的
but in the end, I’m glad we spent Christmas together.
是啊 -我想也是
‐ Yeah. ‐ Yeah, I guess so.
我们学到了 和家人共度时光
We learned that spending time as a family is more important
比试图演完90年代喜剧片更重要
than trying to finish the plot of a ’90s comedy.
而且如果你仔细想想 这正是
And if you think about it, that was what Jingle All the Way
“一路响叮当”一直想教给我们的
was trying to teach us all along.
妈的 蛹仔怎么又拿到他的哈利·波特笛子了
Damn it, how did the Pupa get his Harry Potter whistle again?
泰瑞 我以为你把它锁进我们放毒镖的
Terry, I thought you locked it up in the child‐proof cabinets,
装了儿童锁的柜子里了
where we keep the poison darts.
是的 没错 我把它藏在毒镖后面了
I did, I did, I put it behind the poison darts.
这首歌♥真烦人
That song is so annoying.
蛹仔 你甚至都没跟我们一起过圣诞
You didn’t even do any of the Christmas stuff with us, Pupa.
你太坏了 -他怎么总能拿到那玩意儿
‐ You’re bad. ‐ How does he keep getting that thing?
他是出去找人帮忙了吗
Is he, like, out getting help?
谁会帮他啊
Who would do that?
他甚至都不会说完整的句子
He can’t even complete a full sentence.
祝大家圣诞快乐
Merry Christmas, everyone.