头条笑料 Punchline（1988）

Rectum!
【加油站】
认真的说…
But seriously now…
如果有我的电♥话♥ 就是我爸打来的
…if the phone rings and it’s for me, it’s my father.
他以为这里是我的宿舍 所以大家别出声
He thinks it’s the number of the school dormitory, so everyone shut up.
上周他打电♥话♥给我
Last week he calls me up.
他说 “儿子 告诉我你名列前茅”
He says, “Son, I want you to tell me that you’re in the top half of your class.”
“我是让人家名列前茅的”
“I’m in the half of the class that made the top half of the class possible.”
讲起来有点奸诈
That sounds kind of deceptive…
我爸拉了那麽多关系…
…but if anyone has pulled as many strings as my father has…
我得小心翼翼的跟他说 我被当的事实
…you have to break it easy to him that you flunked out.
妳的发型真好看 – 真的吗?
Your hair looks great. – You think?
妳会迷死人 – 谢谢
It’s going to kill. – Thanks.
嗨 – 嗨 柏西
Hi. – Hi, Percy.
瞧瞧妳 – 是啊
Check it out. – Yeah.
莱拉到了 – 布莱恩
It’s Lilah time. – Hi, Brian.
我喜欢妳的发型
I love your hair.
我老公会杀了我 他还没看到
My husband’s going to kill me. He hasn’t seen it yet.
甩了那个混♥蛋♥
Dump the asshole.
像芒果 像祖鲁人 又像露西
It’s very mango. It’s very Zulu. It’s very Lucy.
莱拉 我的经纪人
Lilah, I talked to my manager.
要妳寄带子给他 他说电视台喜欢家庭主妇
He said that you should send him a tape. Everybody starting out needs a tape.
他们很迷家庭主妇
The networks, they love housewives. They’re into them.
所以耶稣爱圣母玛莉亚
Everyone loves housewives that’s why Jesus loved Mary. A true story.
谁有菸? – 谁会有带子?
Who’s got a cigarette? – Who’s got a tape?
我朋友帮妳拍一支一百块
My friend will make you one for $100.
谁有一百块? – 妳需要带子
Who’s got $100? – You need a tape, trust me.
妳需要带子 – 妳需要带子
You need a tape. – You need a tape.
她需要带子 – 好 我需要带子
She needs a tape. – All right, I need a tape.
今晚谁要跟我换时段?
Could someone do me a big favour and trade places with me tonight?
我还没回家 我老公很火大
I haven’t been home all day. My husband’s really pissed off.
我不要 – 我不要
Not me. – Not I.
为什麽?
Why not?
妳在波尔先生後面 他会让观众
Tonight’s a first-come-first-served night and you walked in right after Mr. Ball.
变得暴躁不安
He gets the audience into a fractured, frenzied, bloodthirsty state.
我不能接在他後面
I can’t follow that.
帮我啦 – 现在谁在上面?
Zip me. – Who’s up now?
又真诚 又棒 又热爱舞台的史帝芬高德
The very genuine, the very wonderful, the very stage-hoggy Steven Gold.
下个是谁?
Who’s up next?
活泼的圣玛拉奇修女
The very vivacious Sister Saint Monique.
布莱恩 拜托跟我换
Brian, wouldn’t you do me this favour and trade with me?
我会补偿你的
I’ll make it up to you.
求我
Beg me.
拜托啦 – 好吧
Please? – All right.
谢谢 – 叫艾玛拿酒来给我
Thanks. – Tell Ernie to send me down a drink.
威士忌苏达
Make it a scotch and soda.
唉呀 修女
Why, Sister.
我刚到纽约 我得熟悉一下这个城市
I’m no New Yorker. I didn’t know about the city so I had to learn.
所以我参加一个旅游团
I wanted to take one of these tours.
我坐上游览车 导游叫汤米陈
I got on this tour bus run by this guy, Tommy Chen.
他对纽约一无所知
And Tommy didn’t know shit about New York City.
汤米陈一路上胡诌瞎掰
Tommy Chen was making it up as he went along.
“这是哥布伦圆环
“Okay, this right here, this Columbus Circle.
它名称的由来… 是因为
“This call Columbus Circle because…
哥布伦来过这里…
“…when Columbus came here…
看过一圈…”
“…he looked all around.
“知道地下铁这名字的由来?
“You know how subway get its name?
它们以前是充满水的地道
“Subway originally was tunnels filled with water.
人们搭乘容纳四百人的…
“People travel uptown, downtown, on big long submarine.
超大潜水艇 不过速度很慢”
“Hold 300, 400 people. But they were very slow…”
嗨 – 妳好吗?
Hi. – How you doing?
我是伊芙 – 莱拉
I’m Eve. – I’m Lilah.
我知道 上周看过妳表演
I know. I saw your stand-up last week.
我有逗观众笑吗?
Is that the week I got a laugh?
妳做多久了?
How long have you been doing it?
13周 不过谁在算呢?
Thirteen weeks and three days, but who’s counting?
我知道 这需要点时间
I know. It takes time.
伊芙 拿去
Eve, pick it up.
“中♥央♥公园
“That over there, Central Park.
它的名字是用着名韩国人朴东宣的表弟名字
“It named after cousin to very famous Korean Tung Sung Park…
另一个叫视野的表弟则住在布鲁克林”
“…who’d another cousin named Prospect, but he live in Brooklyn.”
要像他那样需要多久?
How long before you get like that?
史帝芬? 他不一样 他是天赋异禀
Steven? I’m afraid he’s born that way.
妳认识他? – 当然
You know him? – Yeah.
那麽熟?
That well?
没多久 混♥蛋♥也需要地方住
Briefly. Asshole needed a place to stay.
不太愉快?
Not a good experience?
笑声不断
A lot of laughs.
“没人要看不快乐
“Nobody wants to see unhappy places.
或悲伤的地方
“Nobody wants to see sad places.
他们想看漂亮的地方
“People want to see beautiful places.
人们想看美丽的世界 我就带他们去看
“People want to see a beautiful world. And I show it to them.
就算我得假装也一样
“Even if I have to fake it.
我不光是个导游
“I’m not just a tour guide.
我是个旅游设计师” 谢谢
“I’m a tour stylist.” Thank you.
谢谢各位
Thank you very much.
谢谢
Thank you.
各位 史帝芬高德
Steven Gold, ladies and gentlemen. The comedy of Steven Gold.
怎麽样 非常可爱的家伙
How about that? A very lovely guy.
很变♥态♥ 但很可爱
A sick guy, but a lovely guy.
我是莱拉 – 嗨
Hi, I’m Lilah. – Hi.
我是你的粉丝 我经常看你表演
I’m a big fan of yours. I watch you all the time.
你能不能给我些指导?
Could you watch me sometime and give me some pointers?
我现在得去清洗我的鱼缸
Sure. Right now I have to go clean my fish tank.
後面还又更多搞笑高手
I want to keep bringing them up here, like it or not.
准备好了吗? 掌声鼓励
Are you ready for it? All right, let me hear it.
下一个…
Okay, now the next lady…
不是很好笑 但是…
…is not very funny but…
她有慢性子♥宫♥颈感染…
…she does have chronic yeast infection.
还有一个波兰老公 我不知道哪个比较糟糕
And she has a Polish husband, so I don’t know which is worse.
让我们热烈欢迎她
Let’s be nice to her. Let’s give her a nice big Gas Station welcome.
莱拉克里希
Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Lilah Krytsick.
上来使出妳的看家本领
Come on, Lilah. Come on up here. Show them what you’ve got.
各位 莱拉克里希
Lilah Krytsick, ladies and gentlemen.
给她个梯子
Quick, get her a ladder.
怎麽样?
How’s that?
第一次有人要我把它弄短
This is the first time anybody’s asked me to make it smaller.
谢谢你 罗密欧
Thank you, Romeo.
真的 我老公是波兰人…
It’s true, my husband is Polish…
我不觉得好笑
…which I personally don’t think is very funny.
如果你觉得好笑 我告诉你
But if you think it’s funny, I’d like to tell you that to him…
他认为 “同步性高♥潮♥”
…the term “simultaneous orgasm” means:
是发生在同一个房♥间
It could happen in the same room.
我不懂
I don’t understand.
我的学生都觉得很好笑
The kids in the history classes, they love it and think it’s funny.
是很好笑
It is funny.
是很好笑 你让观众追着你打
It is funny, but the audience goes after you because you let them.
但如果有人吐你槽 你就吐回去
You got to fight back. If a guy heckles you, heckle him back.
用那个关於他老婆的笑话
Use that old joke about his wife:
“那是你老婆? 你有她的裸照吗?
“Excuse me, sir, is that your wife? Do you have any naked pictures of her?
你想买♥♥裸体录影带吗?
“Would you like to buy some? Naked videos?
8厘米影片如何?
“How about 8-millimetre pornographic loops?
她和我和拍的裸照? 还有和动物
“Or pictures of her with me? With farm animals?
跟前罪犯拍的?”
“With ex-cons from New Jersey?”
那样能堵他的嘴 观众也会笑
It’s an old joke, but it shuts him up and the audience gets a laugh.
开始攻击吧 杰瑞
Attack, Jerry.
他怎麽会有他老婆的裸照?
Why would he have naked pictures of his wife?
算了 忘了我说的吧
Forget everything I just said. Just forget everything.
嘿 史帝芬 – 嘿!
Hey, Steven. – Yo!
可以跟你谈谈吗?
Could I talk to you?
请进我的办公室
Step into my office.