撒谎精自传（2012）

这破玩意儿开了没？
ls this fucking thing on?
哦 女士们先生们
Oh.Ladies and gentlemen.
他抽疯 又癫狂
He’s wacky, he’s zany,
他是世上最好的喜剧团队六人组之一
he’s one entire sixth of the greatest comedy team the world has ever seen.
现在有请 巨蟒剧团成员Graham Chapman上台来掏心掏肺
Here to reveal all, please welcome Monty Python’s Graham Chapman!
在开始之前
Er, before I begin,
请允许我做出一个小小的请求
there is a favour I would like to ask of all of you, please.
请在座的每一位观众
And I do mean every single person in the room.
一个都别跑啊 我想要在座的每一位都参与进来
No opting out. I’d like everyone to join in with this, please.
我希望大家在接下来的三十秒里…
I would like to ask you all for 30 seconds…
…辱骂我
…of abuse.
你个混球！
You asshole!
白♥痴♥！
Wanker!
蠢货
Moron.
滚回家去！
Go home!
谢谢大家 太捧场了
Thank you.Thank you so much.
谢谢 谢谢大家让我太有面儿了
Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you.
还有十五秒 谢谢大家 坚持一下
15 seconds to go! Thank you. Thank you so much.
我特么要退票!
I want my fucking money back!
谢谢 谢谢
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
滚蛋 下台!
Get off that stage!
烂透了！
You suck!
烂成翔！
You’re a shit!
撒谎精自传
你 你 你 你个腌臜泼才!
You-you-you-you…You miscreant!
巨蟒成员Graham Chapman的失真故事
我挺喜欢你的
I like you!
真是太感谢大家了 刚刚的骂街听得太爽
Thank you very much indeed. That was excellent abuse.
这会节省大家接下来的不少时间
And it will certainly save a lot of time later on.
纽约 1976年 市中心剧院
New York, 1976. The City Center theatre.
巨蟒剧团之飞翔的马戏团渐渐成型 我们正在表演独幕剧
Monty Python’s Flying Circus is appearing. We are in mid-sketch.
我扮演的是奥斯卡·王尔德
I am playing Oscar Wilde.
祝贺你 王尔德 你的剧获得了巨大的成功
My congratulations, Wilde. Your play is a great success.
现在已经成为了全伦敦的谈资
The whole of London is talking about you.
这个世界上唯一比成为谈资更可怕的就是
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about
无法成为谈资
and that is NOT being talked about.
很机智啊王尔德 很机智
Very witty, Wilde. Very witty.
这个世界上唯一比机智更可怕的
There is only one thing worse in the world than being witty
就是不机智
and that is not being witty.
真希望这句是出自我口
I wish I had said that.
总有一天你会说得出的 奥斯卡
You will, Oscar. You will.
殿下 您认识詹姆斯·惠斯勒(著名印象派画家)吗？
Your Highness, do you know James McNeill Whistler?
是的 我们一起打壁球
Yes. We play squash together.
这个世界上唯一比一起打壁球更可怕的就是
There is only one thing worse than playing squash together
独自打壁球
and that is playing it by yourself.
他一脸期待的等着观众发出的阵阵爆笑
He waits expectantly for the roars of laughter
和大笑后的抽气声 却并没有出现
and the shrieks of glee. They do not come.
死寂蔓延开来
The silence grows longer.
真希望这句话不是出自我口
I wish I hadn’t said that.
你说了 奥斯卡 确实是你说的
You did, Oscar. You did.
抱歉了 王尔德 我必须摆驾回宫了
You must forgive me, Wilde, but I must get back up the palace.
王尔德焦灼万分
Wilde is desperate.
威尔士亲王走时脸上的笑容
The Prince of Wales is leaving with a smile on his face
不是由奥斯卡王尔德添上的 他开始胡言乱语
that had not been put there by Oscar Wilde. He blurtsz
殿下 你就像是顶上抹着奶油的大号♥果酱甜甜圈
Your Majesty, you are like a big jam doughnut with cream on top.
不好意思 你说什么?
I beg your pardon?
呃…呃…这是惠斯勒说的
Er…er… Erm, it was one of Whistler’s.
我没这么说过
I didn’t say that.
你说了James 就是你说的
You did, James. You did.
我…我的意思是 呃
L…l meant that, er,
像个甜甜圈一样 您的到来 殿下 给我们带来了欢乐
like a doughnut, your arrival, your Majesty, gives us pleasure,
而您的离去让我们恋恋不舍
and your departure only makes us hungry for more.
殿下您就像是一股蝙蝠的尿液
Your Majesty is like a stream of bat’s piss.
– 什么意思? – 王尔德说的 找王尔德去
– I beg your pardon? – It was one of Wilde’s, one of Wilde’s.
呃…呃…呃…
Uh…uh…uh…
我大脑一片空白 完全想不起下一句台词了
I have just dried. I cannot remember the next line.
我等着呢 王尔德 你倒是说啊
I’m waiting, Wilde. I’m waiting.
整个剧院都屏息等待 在他们等待的同时 我也在等
The entire theatre waits and as they wait, so do I
等着自己想起那句该死的台词 但它拒绝出现
for that damned line to enter my head. It refuses to come.
快继续啊
Oh, get on with it.
继续吧
Get on with it.
这里可能是圣杯那部电影里的catch phrase?
Chapman医生 我们马上要在洛杉矶降落了
Dr Chapman? We’ll be landing in Los Angeles shortly.
醒醒啊 Chapman医生
Hello? Dr Chapman?
你没事吧 Chapman医生？
Are you all right, Dr Chapman?
请保持您的安全带扣紧 行李安全置于行李架上
Keep your seat belts fastened and luggage stowed safely.
关闭您的耳机和电子产品
Turn off your head sets and electrical equipment
直至安全带指示灯关闭
until you see the seat belt sign turned off.
就是这样的时刻让人不禁思考
It’s at moments like this when one thinks,
“去他妈的 有什么意义呢 我们这都是在干嘛”
“Oh, fuck it. Does it really matter? What are we all here for?
“我们是否走着命中注定的道路?”
“Are we predestined to take the paths we follow?”
我是在利明顿出生的 现在已经正式更名为皇家利明顿温泉
I was born in Leamington, now officially known as Royal Leamington Spa,
制♥造♥的灶台略有名气
moderately famous for the manufacture of gas cookers.
时值1942年
The year was 1942
二月七号♥标志着我的妊娠期的结束
and the period of gestation ended on February 7th,
在一次德国以为进攻的是考文垂的空袭中
during an air raid in which the Germans thought they were hitting Coventry.
我的父母 Tim和Beryl
My parents, Tim and Beryl
此处指的是Timothy Evans 因杀害妻子女儿被绞死 死后才发现误判
不对 是Tim and Betty 在我降生的时候气坏了
Sorry, Tim and Betty, were outraged when I arrived
他们期待的是黑人犹太异性恋
because they’d been expecting a heterosexual black Jew
带有可笑的先天畸形的那种 他们的人生需要这种劫难
with several amusing birth deformities as they needed the problems.
他们住在法国南部的巨大哥特式城♥堡♥中
They lived in an enormous Gothic castle in the south of France
叫作”低糖金汤力加冰不加柠檬已喝吐”
called “Done Drinking Gin And Slimline Tonic With Ice But No Lemon ln”,
这城♥堡♥一开始是马可波罗为了能在酒吧打烊后
which was originally built by Marco Polo for himself and a few friends
能带友人续摊而建造的
he wanted to invite round to his place after the pub closed.
我必须承认目前为止
I must admit so far
这基本就是在胡说八道
that this has not had much more than a grain of truth in it,
但是这比起日常带娃的兵荒马乱
but it is more interesting than all the usual humdrum
尿湿的尿布 大点了尿湿的裤子
wetting of nappies and, later, pants,
不许坐在那个叫Lotti的捷克斯洛伐克姑娘旁边就因为我拉了一次裤子
and not being allowed to sit next to the Lotti, the Czechoslovakian girl because I once shat myself,
看到尸体碎片挂树上之类的有趣多了… 等下
seeing bits of people hanging from trees… Oh!
最后这个听起来挺有趣的 不如我们展开讨论一下
That does sound interesting. Perhaps I should put that down.
当时我只有三岁
I was three at the time
我母亲想要带我一起去见我父亲
and my mother wanted to take me along to see my father.
– Walter – 不好意思亲爱的 我忙着呢
– Walter. – Sorry, dear. I’m busy.
喂 说你呢 那个麻袋里已经有两条腿了
Hey, you. That’s sack’s already got two legs in it.
Walter亲爱的 我们刚刚出门买♥♥东西的时候
Walter, dear, we were just out shopping
我正好想起 Graham可能想要…
and I thought that Graham might like…
你能等会儿再来么亲爱的?
Look dear, can’t you come back later?
有人找到这个的头了没?
Has anyone found that head yet?
这街上有没有人找到一颗头啊？
Has anyone in this street found a head?
帮帮忙啊肯定有人拿了
Oh, come on. Someone must have it.
我知道这条街 什么都有人偷
I know this street. You’d steal anything.
你们特么要个脑壳有什么用啊
I mean, what the bloody hell are you gonna do with a head?
亲爱的 我们还是去给你做下午茶点好了
Oh, dear. Perhaps we’ll go and get your tea.
啊? 哦好的 吐司配蛋 谢谢
What? Oh, yes. Egg on toast, please.
这儿有一条左臂 有缺一条左臂的没？
Left arm here. Anyone missing a left arm?
可是我们正在打仗 没有鸡蛋啊
We haven’t got any eggs. There is a war on.
去问问Harold 货车后面总会颠点儿东西下来的
Ask Harold. Something’s bound to have fallen off the back of a lorry.
好的亲爱的 走吧Graham
All right, dear. Come on, Graham.
别老是盯着血迹看了 对你不好
Stop staring at all that blood. It won’t do you any good.
哎妈妈 这一定是我人格形成的重大转折点之一啊
Oh, come on, mum. This must be one of my major formative experiences.
伊顿
Eton.
夏季的学期 我们也称之为”哇普斯”
Summer term, or “wops” as we called it,
感觉像是无休无止
seemed to have dragged on endlessly.
刚除过的新鲜草坪的香气从远处的草坪上飘过来
The smell of freshly mown grass wafted over from far-off Hayes meadow,
村中的钟声在空中响起
the village clock chimed in the distance
在我们这一小片土地上空数英里的某处
and somewhere, miles above our petty earth,
一丝云彩映衬着夕阳的最后一点余晖
a wisp of cloud took flame from the dying embers of the setting sun.
这一切的结合产生的气氛
They combined to produce an atmosphere
契合了这类文学创作
so redolent of this type of writing.
《诗艺》贺拉斯
胜利来得轻易 阴囊不算数