宋飞之前是杰瑞（2017）

you know, when I told them, “I think
I want to be a comedian,” and they went…
“好吧
“OK.”
不过你知道的，你从来都不搞笑的”
“You know,
you’ve never done anything funny.”
所以我之后就带他们来这里
And so, eventually, I brought them here,
他们就坐在那里
and they sat right there.
我那天晚上超紧张的
And I was so nervous that night,
因为我第一次让他们
看到我这样的一面
because I was showing them
this whole side of myself.
有一点像是同志出柜的感觉，我得说
It was like my little gay-closet moment,
you know, where I had to say,
“妈妈、爸爸，我…
“Mom, Dad, I’m…
我不知道该怎么跟你们说
但我是个很搞笑的人
I don’t know how to tell you this,
but I’m a funny person.”
而且我…
“And I…
我不想再以此为耻了
I don’t want to be ashamed
of it any more, and…
我想开始过搞笑的生活
I want to lead a funny lifestyle now.”
我想跟其他搞笑的人在一起
“I want to be with other funny people,
我想要下午2点吃早餐”
I want to have breakfast
at two in the afternoon.”
我就这样出柜了
And I was out.
而且我之前也会在
外面那边的酒吧认识女生
And the other thing was uh…
meeting girls in the bar out there.
这也是很新鲜的事
That was a new thing, too,
因为搞笑艺人有时候
在正常的社交状况会有点困难
because comedians sometimes have a little
difficulty in normal social situations.
不知道为什么，我可以上台表演
I can do this, for some reason,
我上台表演一直都很自在
and I always… always felt comfortable
doing what I’m doing right now.
我可以跟大家讲话
I could talk to all of you,
但我没办法单独跟你们讲话
but I can’t talk to any of you.
我其实不懂为什么
I don’t really understand that,
但我发现有很多搞笑艺人都是这样
but I’ve talked to a lot of other
comedians that have a similar thing.
所以呢
So when you…
来这里表演后
Coming here and doing a show,
去酒吧坐着就会有女生跟你攀谈
and then you go sit in the bar
and girls would talk to you.
简直不敢置信
And that was, like, unbelievable.
所以我们从来不去别的地方
So that’s why
we never went any place else.
我怎么可能不去
Why would you not go
where someone might be able to see you do
能做我唯一会做的事
而且还能耍点酷给别人看的地方？
the one thing that you can do
that’s kind of cool?
所以我就开始交女朋友
近距离观察她们
So I started having relationships
with women, observing them up close.
尤其是女生的厕所，很新奇的小天地
Uh… Especially their bathrooms –
fascinating little wonderlands.
我发现女生需要
I noticed that women need a large
大量且源源不绝的棉球供给
and constant supply of cotton balls,
男生完全不需要
and men don’t need any.
我这辈子从来没拥有过棉球
I’ve never had a cotton ball
in my entire life.
也从来没买♥♥过
I’ve never bought one,
没拥有过、没需要过
owned one, needed one.
我从来没有遇过那种状况是
I’ve never been in a situation
where I’ve thought to myself,
“我现在需要棉球
“I could use a cotton ball right now.”
我需要棉球来搞定这麻烦”
“I could certainly get out of this mess.”
女生需要棉球
Women need them.
不只需要一个两个
每天都需要上千个
And they don’t need one or two,
they need thousands every single day.
女生会买♥♥塞了棉球的懒骨头
They buy beanbag chairs
filled with cotton balls –
两天过后就用光了，还需要更多
two days later, they’re all out,
they need more.
再回去店里面买♥♥更多
They’re on their way back to the store.
你唯一会看到的
就是在垃圾桶里的两三个
The only time you ever see them
is in the bottom of a little wastebasket,
看起来像是经历过很可怕的事
looking like they have had
a horrible experience.
被虐待过、审问过
我不知道女生对它们做了什么
Tortured, interrogated –
I don’t know what you did to them.
有一次有个女的
在我家留下了三颗棉球
Once, a woman left three cotton balls
over at my house.
我花了一年才用完
It took me a year to use them up.
我把一颗放在厨房♥地板
让蟑螂以为是风滚草
Put one on the kitchen floor for
cockroaches to think it’s a tumbleweed,
让它们以为这里是荒郊野外
快点滚出去
go, “This is a dead town. Let’s move on.”
或是在医生帮你打♥针♥之前
Or I go to the doctor.
Before he gives you the shot,
会用棉球在你的手上擦酒精
puts alcohol on your arm with a cotton ball,
我自己带了一个
I bring one of mine.
他拿了他的，我叫他用我这一个
He goes for his, I go,
“Maybe you could use this one.”
有时候他会用我的
帮我扣掉一毛钱医药费
Sometimes he would use it,
take a penny off on my bill.
医生开药给我，我回家之后打开药罐
Gives me the prescription,
I take that home, open up the bottle,
里面又有一个棉球
there’s another cotton ball in there.
棉球集团真的无孔不入
The cotton-ball syndicate
was always one step ahead.
但感情会有冲突
But relationships contain tension.
这是无法避免的
That is unavoidable.
这是必要的，也是永恒的
It’s essential, it’s eternal.
所有感情都会遇到
All relationships,
there’s always a little agenda thing
两个人的目的
not quite lining up…
不同的时候，对吧？
between the two people, right?
所以生命中的所有感情都会有冲突
And so every relationship you’re in in life,
there’s going to be tension.
就接受这点吧
Just accept that.
只要问朋友感情生活如何
You ask any friend
how their relationship is going,
对方一定会先摸脸
touching their face
is the first thing they do.
你问他跟茱蒂过得怎么样
“还可以啊
“How is it going with Judy?”
“Not bad.”
我们过得还不错”
“Yeah, we’re doing OK.”
摸的地方越高
And the higher up on the face they go,
感情问题就越大
the worse the relationship is.
“听说你们有一些问题”
“没有，只有些小问题需要解决”
“I heard you’re having some problems.”
“We’ve got to work on a couple of things.”
“听说你们可能会分手”
“对，我们要分了，没地方能摸了”
“I heard you might break up.”
“Yeah, I can’t go any higher on my head!”
男生需要一些时间才会学会一件事
This is one of the things
it takes guys time to learn.
尤其是你们这些年轻小伙子
在其他方面都很罩
Especially you young guys who have
got it all going on in every other area.
但是你们必须学会利用花
But you’ve got to learn the flowers.
男生需要很长的时间才会懂花的力量
The power of flowers
takes a long time for men to understand.
花对我们来说没什么
To us, it seems,
you know, like a frivolous thing,
一点也不重要
like an insignificant thing.
但这是关键
It is… This is key!
如果没有花的话
If there were no flowers,
地球上就只会剩下男人和蕾丝边
Earth would be populated
by men and lesbians.
就这样
That would be it.
女人跟男人在一起，就只是为了花
Women are with men to get flowers.
女人想要花
That’s what they want.
男人不想要花，不要送花给男人
Men don’t want flowers.
Don’t give a man flowers.
“是怎样，我现在还得照顾花吗？
“Oh, I’ve got to take care of this now?”
如果花死了是不是我的错？
我是坏人吗？好吧”
“And what if they die? I guess
that’s my fault? I’m the bad guy? Fine.”
拿着花束走在路上的男人
就是全场焦点
But a guy walking down the street holding a bouquet of flowers,
he’s the star of that street.
所有男人都不想
跟女人在一起时遇到他
No other guy wants to be with a girl
on the same street as that guy.
因为女人会说“看到没？