一把站起来尖声问 你是首席还是二席
stood up and screamed out, first chair or second chair?
当时我回答 问得好 女士 事实上 五席
And I was like, thanks, ma’am, fifth chair, actually,
五席 我 我业务不精
fifth chair. I wasn’t– I wasn’t very good.
业务不精
I wasn’t good.
我和大家对香港人的印象无差
I grew up very stereotypically in Hong Kong.
吉米甚至不是我的真名
Like my real name is not even Jimmy.
只是我的英文名
That’s my English name.
我的真名叫万成
My real name is Man-Sing.
在广东话里
In Cantonese,
它象征着一万次成功
It stands for 10,000 success.
没错 哈哈
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah.
我的父母挺有野心的
I had very ambitious parents.
如今我却站在了舞台上讲下流笑话和打太极
And now I’m telling dick jokes and doing Tai Chi on stage,
这么说的话
so–
吉米不过是个随便取的英文名
Jimmy was just kind of like an arbitrary English
图个叫起来方便罢了
name that just sounded easy.
我老爹给自己取名理查德
And my dad, he named himself Richard.
我当时问他 你怎么会取这个名字呢
I was like, Dad, why’d you name yourself Richard?
他说 因为他想变得富有
He was like, because I want to be rich.
还蛮有道理的
It makes so much sense.
后来他们给我大哥取名罗杰
And then they named my older brother Roger
因为饰演詹姆斯·邦德的演员叫做罗杰·摩尔
after the James Bond actor Roger Moore.
不过我大哥很讨厌那个名字
Yeah, but my brother hated that name.
他说 天 这名字听起来像个白人老头
He was like, man, it makes me sound like an old white guy.
所以后来他改叫自己罗伊
So eventually he changed his own name to Roy.
这名字听着更老了
So now he sounds like an older white guy.
现在他的全名是罗伊·罗杰 这名字是白人老头里
And now his full name is Roy Roger, which is the oldest
最老的那个了吧
white guy to ever white.
我从小到大都很普普通通
I grew up very stereotypically, man.
我不打篮球 也不踢足球
I didn’t play basketball or football.
我每天都打乒乓球
I grew up playing ping pong–
带点比赛的性质
competitively!
那在我的家乡是一项严肃的国民♥运♥动
That was a serious national sport back home, man.
我也没有去过什么
You know, I didn’t go to any, like,
趣味夏令营或者太空夏令营之类的
fun summer camp, space camp.
不过我爸倒是给我在中国广州报名了
My dad sent me to a ping pong training camp
乒乓球训练营
in Gwangju, China.
我差点没挺过来
I almost died.
一百名孩子争夺国家队的一个名额
It was 100 kids competing for one spot on the national team.
就像是用乒乓球拍玩城♥堡♥之夜
It was basically Fortnite with ping pong paddles.
不过我们倒是挺认真的
We took that shit seriously, though.
我爸带我参加每一场训练 报名每一次的锦标赛
My dad would take me to every practice, every tournament game.
每次比赛前都给我加油打气
And he always tried to give me a pep talk before every game.
不过你懂的 亚洲父母说话太实在了
But you know, Asian parents, they’re way too honest.
每次说着说着就变味了
So every pep talk just turned into an insult.
比如 他会走到我面前说
Like, he would come up to me, be like,
吉米啊 吉米啊
Jimmy. Jimmy.
你待会好好表现啊
You’re going to play well, OK?
虽然你速度慢 实力弱 技术糟糕
Even though you slow, even though you weak, and you suck.
然后他就走开了
And then he would just walk away.
我以前数学很好
I was very good at math.
大家都觉得亚洲人擅长数学
That’s a big Asian stereotype.
我想还是有点道理的
I think there’s some truth to that.
倒不是觉得这是基因上存在的
Not because of some weird genetic thing,
而是因为我们的父母非常在意计算
just because our parents cared so much more about mathematics
和成绩
and academics.
你们应该都明白的 都看到过
You guys seen it. You guys seen those, like,
那些开在大商场里的库蒙学习中心 看见过吧
Kumon Learning Centers in those strip malls, right, right?
考虑到你们之中有些人没听说过库蒙学习中心
Kumon Learning Centers, for you guys that don’t know,
它其实就是为亚洲儿童设立的拘留营
are basically detention camps for young Asian children.
从它的标志上就能看出
You can tell that place is kind of fucked
那个地方很差劲
up by the look of its logo.
因为它应该是一张笑脸
Because it’s supposed to be a smiley
却不是发自内心的笑
face, but it’s not really smiling.
就像这样
It’s just like, meh.
我的父母很小气 就没有送我去库蒙
My parents were way too cheap to send me to Kumon.
他们想了个新招
They got a different strategy.
他们在我十五岁之前不许我使用计算器
They never let me use a calculator until I turned 15,
好让我动脑算
so I can work on my brain function.
这招在中国还是挺普遍的
That’s an old school Chinese strategy.
所以十五岁对我来说很特别
So when I turned 15, it was a very special occasion.
基本上就算是我的成人式了
It was basically my Quincea?era.
我老爸给我买♥♥了个TI-83图形计算器
My dad just gave me a TI-83 Plus.
他看着我的眼睛 仿佛在说
And he looked me in the eyes, and he was
从现在开始你就是一个女人了
like, you’re a woman now, OK?
不过当你还是个孩子 你的父母告诉你
But when you’re a kid, when your parents tell you
你不可以这样做的时候 你会怎么办
you can’t do something, what do you do?
你会反抗 对吗 所以我十四岁的时候
You rebel, right? So when I was 14 years old,
偷了我哥哥的计算器
I stole my brother’s calculator.
我偷了罗伊·罗杰的计算器 然后把自己锁在房♥里
I stole Roy Rogers calculator, and I locked myself in my room.
我开始反抗了
And I started rebelling.
我开始做数学作业了
I started doing math homework.
其他小朋友都在到处
Other kids were, like, fucking around
喝酒啊 嗑药啊
with, like, alcohol and drugs.
我特么却在计算抛物线
I was fucking up some parabolas, you know?
把自己锁在房♥间里 跟数字较劲
Locked myself in a room, I was just punching in numbers.
我当时心里想 我天 这也太爽了吧
I was like, oh, man, this feels great, you know?
明知这样做不对
It’s so wrong. It’s awesome.
我老爸发火了
My dad was pissed.
他在门外捶门
He was knocking on the outside of the door.
他不喜欢我们在家里反锁
He doesn’t like locked doors in the house.
他在门外大声吼
And he was screaming. He was like,
吉米啊 吉米啊
Jimmy! Jimmy!
你在里面搞什么鬼 马上给我出来
What are you doing inside? Come out right now.
我知道你在里面用计算器
I know you’re in there using a calculator.
马上给我出来
Come out right now.
我当时吓得不知所措
I was so scared I didn’t know what to do.
他打开锁进来了
And he unlocked the door, and he came in.
我慌的一批
I went into full panic mode.
赶紧把计算器一扔
So I just threw away the calculator,
把裤子一扒
and I pulled down my pants.
爸 我在打飞机
I was like, Dad, I was just jerking off.
他进来以后看看我
And he came in, and he looked at me.
又看看数学作业
And then he looked at the math homework.
他说 好 好 很好
And he was like good, good, very good.
非常好 你一定很喜欢数学
Very good, very good, you must really like math.
好得很 你继续吧
That’s good. Keep it up.
还有什么 有什么
Because there is nothing, there is nothing
能让一位亚洲父亲感到比看着他的儿子对着数学作业打飞机
that will make an Asian father more proud than to see his son
更自豪的事情呢
jerk off to his math homework.
我从小到大都很普普通通
I grew up very stereotypically, man.
不过所有的一切 包括拉小提琴
But all these things– playing the violin,
擅长计算 我的名字
being good at math, my names–
这些都算不得典型
those things weren’t stereotypes when
尤其是身处香港 因为这里到处都是亚洲人
I was growing up in Hong Kong, because everybody was Asian.
都很擅长计算
Everyone was good at math.
直到我十三岁来到这个国家
It didn’t become a stereotype until I came to this country
才成为了典型
when I was 13 years old.
我顺理成章地变成了奇怪的外国小孩
And I automatically became the weird foreign kid.
我不会说英文
Like, I didn’t really even know how to speak English.
我学习英语的方式就像你们学西语
I learned English how you guys will
不过只是理论上这么说
learn Spanish, just on paper.
不过如果我在你们十三岁的年纪
But if I would have dropped you off in Mexico
把你们丢到墨西哥 你可能早就挂了
when you’re 13 years old, you would’ve died.
我小时候很迷糊 上学第一天
I was a very confused kid, man. The first day of school,
大家都起立 右手举至胸前
everybody was standing up, putting their right hand
跟着宣誓
on their chest, doing the Pledge of Allegiance.
我不知道发生了什么
I didn’t know what was going on.
我当时想 这是进了什么邪教嘛
I was like, did, I just join a cult?
上学第一天 有个女孩走到我跟前
First day of school, this girl came up to me.