十年之前 我大学的时候去
Like about 10 years ago, I went on a college trip
墨西哥 提华纳旅游
to Tijuana, Mexico.
因为正常美国大学生都
Because that’s just what a good American college student
这么干
would do.
问题在于 从美国入境墨西哥
And the thing is, walking into Mexico from the US,
他们什么都不查 就有个旋转门
they don’t check anything. They’re just a big revolving door.
走进去 连身份证件都不要
You walk right in. They don’t even check your ID.
去墨西哥比去好市多还简单
It’s easier to get into Mexico than a Costco.
直接走进去就得了
You just walk in. And that’s it.
但是回来就大相径庭了
But coming back was a totally different story.
从墨西哥回美国
Coming back from Mexico to the US,
就没有旋转门了
there’s no more revolving doors.
取而代之的是被手持M16的警卫
Now it’s a concrete windowless tunnel with guards
看守的不见天日的混凝土通道
with M-16 machine guns.
我特别紧张 毕竟自己是移♥民♥
And I was super nervous, being an immigrant and all.
我大学的哥们 伊恩 站在我身边
And my college buddy, Ian, next to me,
对我说 吉米 别担心
he was like, Jimmy, don’t worry, man.
告诉他你是美国人
Just tell him that you’re American.
他们就放你过去了
They let you right through.
你说的轻巧 伊恩（白人名）
I’m like, easy for you to say, Ian.
伊恩走过去 放行 没问题
Ian walks up, he gets through, no problem.
我走上前 他们问我问题 先生
I walk up, the first thing they ask me, they’re like, sir,
你是美国公民吗
are you an American citizen?
我说 是
I was like, yes.
但是我忘了一件事
But I forgot one very minor detail–
我还不是
that I wasn’t.
我还只是拿着永久居留证的移♥民♥
I was still an immigrant on a green card,
还不是公民
and I wasn’t a full-on citizen yet.
紧接下来 我就被关进小黑屋里
Next thing you know, I was detained in this 10 by 10 box,
他们就开始审问我 先生
and they started interrogating me. They’re like, sir,
你为什么瞒♥报♥你的公民身份
why did you lie about your American citizenship?
我就说 对不起 我喝高了
I was like, I’m so sorry. I’m drunk
而且我也没想撒谎
and I really wasn’t trying to lie.
我前面的朋友让我告诉你我是美国人
My friend in front of me told me to tell you I was American,
所以我就这么做了 这是下意识的反应
so that’s just what I did. It was a knee-jerk reaction.
他说他是美国人吗
He was like, well, was he American?
我说 他的名字是伊恩 所以大概是
I was like, well, his name is Ian, so probably.
然后警♥察♥说 先生
And then the officer was like, sir,
你知道这是非常严重的违法行为
you do understand this is a very serious offense.
我们可以因此驱逐你 我说 驱逐我
We could deport you for this. I was like, deport me?
我都不知道还有这个选项
I didn’t even know that was an option.
回到香港我能做什么呢
What was I going to do back in Hong Kong,
重新开始我的乒乓球生涯吗
restart my ping pong career?
我已经不能回头了啊
That ship has sailed, man.
所以我说 先生 求你了 求你了 不要把我驱逐出境
So I was like, sir, please, please, don’t deport me.
我只是个酒鬼 蠢大学生
I’m just a drunk, stupid college.
我是十足的美国人
I’m every bit American.
如果你愿意 我可以给你背每一首Jay-Z的歌♥词
I can recite you every single Jay-Z lyric if you want me to.
我参加了三个梦幻足球联盟
I’m in three fantasy football leagues.
如果这还不是美国人 我不知道还有谁能是
If that’s not American, I don’t know what is.
我很幸运 他是这么说的
And I got very lucky. This is what he said.
他说 听着 孩子 你很幸运
He was like, look, kid, you got lucky.
我们今天不会把你驱逐出境的好吗
We’re not gonna deport you today, OK?
但别再这么做了
But just don’t ever do that again,
否则我们就把你送回你原来的地方去
or we’ll send you back to where you came from.
可要知道这个混♥蛋♥就是个亚洲人
And this motherfucker was Asian.
我说 我从哪儿来
I was like, where I came from?
我们来自同一个地方 蠢狗
We came from the same place, dog?
我想我两年前在我叔叔的婚礼上见过你
I think I saw you at my uncle’s wedding two years ago.
你现在怎么就六亲不认了
Why you gonna throw me under the bus?
那家伙肯定看 长城 这部电影看多了
That guy definitely watched “The Great Wall” many times.
但那是一次非常发人深省的经历
But that was a very sobering experience.
那时我已经在美国生活了10年
I had been in the country for 10 years at that point,
但我仍然不是美国人
but I still wasn’t American.
什么都没有改变
Nothing has changed.
我终于在三年前获得了公民身份
I finally got my citizenship three years ago.
这是
And it’s–
你们不必鼓掌 我想说的是 一切都没有改变
You don’t have to clap. My point is, nothing has changed.
我还是亚洲人
Still Asian.
就因为我有了新护照
Just because I got a new passport, nobody
世界上没有人会走上来对我说
in any part of the world is gonna come up to me
看 那是一个美国人
and be like, hey, look, there’s an American!
天啊 看看他 他张得就像洛基一样
Holy shit, look at him. He looks just like Rocky Balboa.
我的天啊 不 不是这样的
Oh, my god. No, no, no.
拿到护照的第一天 我爱国之心油然而生
The first day I got my passport, I was feeling real patriotic.
所以我去了当地的猫头鹰餐厅
So I went to my local Hooters.
对 我喝的是银子弹啤酒
Yeah, I was drinking a Coors Light.
我当时在看世界杯
I was watching a World Cup.
那场是美国对墨西哥
It was USA versus Mexico.
我说 伙计 我在为美国队加油
And I was like, man, I’m cheering for Team USA.
我终于是美国人了
I’m American, finally!
然后一个墨西哥老头向我走来
And this old Mexican dude came up to me.
他不会说英语
He couldn’t really speak English,
他是这样说的
and this is what he said.
他说 朋友
He was like, amigo!
朋友 墨西哥 韩国 明天
Amigo, Mexico, Korea, tomorrow, huh?
我说 你♥他♥妈♥在说什么
And I’m like, what the fuck are you talking about?
怎么 你是想发动第三次世界大战还是什么
What, are you trying to start World War 3 or something?
我不是韩国人 他成功用他知道的
I’m not a Korean. He managed to insult me
三个英语单词冒犯了我
with the only three English words he knew.
所以我真的觉得有必要解释一下
So I really felt the need to explain myself.
我说 先生 我不是
I was like, sir, I’m not–
我不是韩国人 我是中国人
I’m not Korean. I’m Chinese.
他回头看着他的朋友
And he looked back to his friends,
他说中国小嘎子
he was like, oh,pinche chinito(=fucking chinese) , huh?
我说 先生 你知道我能
And I’m like, sir, you do know that I can
听懂那是什么意思吧
understand what that means, OK?
我也有和你一样的墨西哥朋友
I have Mexican friends back home just like you.
他说不我不是墨西哥人
He was like, no, I’m not Mexican.
我是萨尔瓦多人
I’m El Salvador.
好么 我成种族主义者了
And I’m like, oh, great, now I’m the fucking racist!
什么都没有改变
Nothing has changed.
第一次使用美国护照时 我感觉非常好
The first time I used my American passport, I was feeling real good.
我要去加拿大温尼伯做表演
I was going to Winnipeg, Canada to do some shows.
你们去过温尼伯吗
Have you guys even been to Winnipeg?
你去过 真的吗
Oh, you, really?
你们是温尼伯人吗
Are you guys from Winnipeg?
不是啊 只是加拿大人的骄傲 我懂我懂
No, just general Canadian pride, I appreciate that.
我认为任何头脑正常的人都不会去温尼伯
I don’t think anybody in their right mind would go to Winnipeg.
不是因为 那个城市没有什么问题
Not that– there’s nothing wrong with that city.
只是那里太冷了 也没那么好玩
It’s way too cold and it’s just not that fun.
我要去那里工作 所以就无所谓了
I had to go there for some work, so whatever.
但我感觉很好 我穿过边境
But I felt good. I walked through the border.
我拿着我的蓝色护照
I was holding my blue passport, and I slammed it down
在加拿大边境巡逻队的面前把它摔了下来
in front of the Canadian border patrol.
我说 我是美国人 警♥察♥先生
I’m like, I’m American, sir.
他说 好吧
And he’s like, OK.
我没问你 不过没关系
I didn’t ask you that, but OK.
你来这里是出差还是游玩
Are you here for business or pleasure?
我当时想 妈的 我没想那么远
And I was like, shit, I didn’t think that far.
我去那里显然是为了工作
I was obviously there for business,
但我没有拿到工作签证
but I didn’t get a business visa.
所以我看着他的眼睛 我说
So I looked him in the eyes. I was like,
先生 我是来玩的
sir, I’m here for pleasure.
他也看着我 他说 你确定吗
And he looked right back at me. He was like, are you sure?
因为没有人来温尼伯玩的
Because nobody comes to Winnipeg for pleasure.
接下来我又被扔进小黑屋里
The next thing you know, I was detained in this 10 by 10 box.
什么都没有改变
Nothing has changed.
不久前我和朱利安在一起玩
I was hanging out with Julian not too long ago,
黄豹党的成员之一
1/3 of The Yellow Panthers.