黄阿丽：小眼镜蛇（2016）

来一次
Do it tonight.
人只活一辈子
You only live once.
偷偷把你的
YOLO. Just sneak your–
给你的男人
Just give your man a little–
一个小小的
a little push-push in the tush-tush.
伸一个指头
Just give him a little Atari, you know,
起初男人会拒绝
and you’ll get a lot of resistance from the man at first.
你会听到他们不停说：“不！
You’ll get a lot of “No!
不！不！
No! No!
不 求你了！不要！
No, please! No, really, I don’t– No!
我不要！不！”
I don’t! I don’t! No!”
他们像虫子一样扭来扭去因为
They get all squirmy wormy because…
他们害怕
they’re scared.
他们害怕如果你把大拇指
They’re scared that if you stick your thumb up there
伸进去
and succeed,
他们如果喜欢
and they like it,
那可能说明他们
that then, it might mean
是同志
that they’re gay.
我喜欢他们这种恐惧
And I like that fear.
这让我欲♥火♥焚身
That shit turns me on, you know?
尤其是当这种恐惧变成
Especially when that fear
身体的愉悦
metamorphosizes into pleasure.
哦 天啊！
Oh, my God!
你看到男人眼中的神情
And you just see the look in the man’s eye
好像他浴火重生一般
like he’s discovered nirvana.
你是第一个女人
And it’s like you’re the first lady to show him
向他展示他的肛♥门♥也可以让他高♥潮♥
that he had a magical clit in his butt hole.
而此时你作为女人在他眼中
And then, you as the woman, in his eyes, just become
就成了神一样的存在
the Lord of the Rim, you know?
不幸的是我老公不像我这么离经叛道
My husband is unfortunately just not as freaky as me.
当我让他打我屁♥股♥时
When– When I’ve asked him to spank me,
他是这么做的
this is what he does.
“嘿 你还好吗？
“Hey. Hey, are you OK?
你还好吗？你知道我尊重你对吧？”
Are you all right? You know I respect you, right?”
我说：“我知道你尊重我
I’m, like, “Yes, I know you respect me
所以你得虐待我 好吗？”
and that’s why you need to abuse me. OK?”
因为通常有想法大嘴巴的女人
‘Cause it’s the most strong-headed, loud-mouthed women
最喜欢在床上被虐待
who like to be abused the most in bed.
那些女大佬们
Women who are C.E.O.s,
她们喜欢被粗暴对待
they just wanna be roughed around.
她们想要
They just want their–
戴眼镜的女人需要粗暴
Glasses always means the woman wants some–
因为我们总是处于控制地位
It’s because we’re so in control all the time,
所以我们想要体验
that we just wanna experience
一点点危险 一点点失控
some risk and be out of control, you know?
比如“我不想死！
Like, “I don’t wanna die!
别杀我！我不想死！”
Don’t kill me! I don’t wanna die!”
但同时我也不想要枯燥地活着
But I also don’t want to be sure that I’m gonna live.
我只想要失控一次
You know? I just wanna be out of control for once.
就掐我的脖子让我说不出话
Just– Just choke me enough so that I can’t talk.
因为如果我开口
‘Cause if I can talk,
我就要对你指手划脚
I’m gonna tell you what to do.
我厌倦了做个大女人
And I’m tired of being the boss.
我白天是别人的主子 所以在卧室里
I’m the boss all the time, so, in the bedroom,
你来当我的主子
you be the boss.
是的
Yes.
因为我才是真正的主子
Because I’m the real boss.
所以听我的话
And I told you so, motherfucker,
就这么做
so do it.
雪莉桑德伯格写了《向前一步》
Sheryl Sandberg, that woman who wrote Lean In,
产生了巨大的反响
has had such a big impact that now,
现在因为她
because of her,
小学里不能出现“专横”
there is a ban on the word “bossy” in elementary schools,
因为她说
because according to her,
这个词有性别歧视
it’s sexist to use the word “bossy,”
因为男孩从不会被说成专横
because boys are never called bossy.
所以现在如果想说 “你很专横”
So, now, instead of saying, “You’re bossy,”
你要说成
you’re supposed to say,
“你有非凡的领导才能”
“You have executive leadership skills.”
这话很啰嗦
Which is a very roundabout way of saying:
意思就是“你是女汉子”
“You’re a little cunt.”
我只是在等待合适的时机
I’m just waiting for the right moment
有足够的钱成为家庭妇女
to, like, become a housewife, financially, you know?
我希望我的老公能赚钱
I want my husband to get us to, like, a certain point financially.
我希望我们两口子的钱
I wanna get to the point as a couple
足够我安逸地享受
where I can comfortably
切好的芒果
afford sliced mango.
你们知道我说什么吗？ 超♥市♥里的芒果
Know what I’m talking about? I’m talking about that Whole Foods mango.
10块一盒的芒果
That $10-a-box Whole Foods mango
是白人切好的
that was sliced by white people.
我希望达到的收入就是那样
That’s the kind of income bracket I’m striving for.
当你吃着切条的芒果
That’s when you know you’ve made it,
是个叫诺亚的小伙子切的
when you’re eating mango that
你就知道你成功了
was sliced by a dude named Noah.
我想要诺亚芒果
I want Noah mango…
瑞贝卡猕猴桃
Rebecca kiwi,
丹尼埃勒菠萝
Danielle pineapple.
知道我还想要什么吗？
You know what else I want?
我想要漫步在人行横道上
I wanna be able to take a stroll on a sidewalk,
看到二毛五
see a quarter,
然后继续走
and just keep on walking.
像公主一样
Like a princess.
我给亚裔美籍的兄弟姐♥妹♥们♥ 提点有用的建议
I have some useful advice for all my Asian-American brothers and sisters.
耶！
Yeah!
绝对别和越南退伍兵去玩彩弹射击
Never go paintballing with a Vietnam veteran.
我不晓得你们能否看出来
So, I don’t know if you guys can tell,
我已经怀孕七个半月了
but I am seven and a half months pregnant.
耶
Yeah.
女喜剧人♥大♥着肚子
It’s very rare and unusual
还在表演 这十分罕见
to see a female comic perform pregnant,
因为女喜剧人
because female comics…
不会怀孕
don’t get pregnant.
你随便想出一个
Just try to think of one. I dare you.
一个都没有
There’s– None of them.
一旦她们怀孕 她们就销声匿迹了
Once they do get pregnant, they generally disappear.
男喜剧人可不一样
That’s not the case with male comics.
一旦他们有了孩子
Once they have a baby,
一个礼拜后他们就重返舞台
they’ll get up on stage a week afterwards
他们会说：“朋友们 我刚当爹
and they’ll be like, “Guys, I just had this fucking baby.
那孩子啥也不是
That baby’s a little piece of shit.
真让人心烦”
It’s so annoying and boring.”
观众中所有当爹的都表示
And all these other shitty dads in the audience are, like,
“那太好笑了 我同意”
“That’s hilarious. I identify.”
然后他们就声名鹊起
And their fame just swells
因为突然之间他们就变成了 搞笑的居家男士
because they become this relatable family funny man all of a sudden.
与此同时 老婆在家
Meanwhile, the mom is at home,
揉捏着她的乳♥头♥
chapping her nipples,
给孩子喂奶
feeding the fucking baby,
她身下还垫着尿布 因为她的阴♥道♥
and wearing a frozen diaper ’cause her pussy needs to heal
被孩子的头颅撑破 需要愈合
from the baby’s head shredding it up.
她忙死了
She’s busy.
所以我不知道我会怎样
So, I don’t know what’s gonna happen to me.
我的许多女同行们
You know, a lot of my female stand-up comic friends
比我成功比我有名气
who are a lot more successful and famous than me
都劝我不要要孩子
discouraged me from having a kid.
她们说：“艾丽 为什么要要孩子？
And they were like, “Ali, why are you gonna have a kid?
你会 你会失去事业的
You just gonna become– You’re gonna disappear,
你会变成愚蠢的家庭妇女
and you’re gonna become some lame stay-at-home mom.”
我说：“没错 那就是我的梦想”
I was like, “Yeah, that’s the dream.”
那就是这一切的意义所在
That’s the point. This is the ultimate trap.