一周不死，全额退款（2018）

杰夫凯普到电台来讨论…
and celebrity budgie fancier Geoff Capes
in the studio to discuss his recessive…
这个三号♥，精彩的万花筒…
Now this, number three, has a lovely kaleidoscope.
哈啰，有声音了吗？
Hello, is it on?
哈啰，好多了
Hello, yes, that’s better.
第三名…
And in third place, number 14, Sue Simmons.
14号♥，苏希门
第三名…
And in third place, number 14, Sue Simmons.
14号♥，苏希门
好棒，苏！
Well done, Sue!
14号♥，苏希门
好棒，苏！
Well done, Sue!
第二名
And in second place,
不像她过去的超水平作品
not quite up to her usual all-conquering standard,
很遗憾，摩芮布莉丝黛
Morag Bleasdale!
So sorry, Morag.
做得好，真美！
Well done, Morag!
Beautiful work.
我们知道不只志在参加
But as we all know its not the taking part,
要赢才算数
it’s the winning that counts.
两年一次的南郡缝纫刺绣大赛
So the winner of this year’s Southern Counties
Binnual Needlework and Embroidery competition,
靠垫类组的冠军是…
cushion category is, drum roll please.
请奏鼓乐
靠垫类组的冠军是…
cushion category is, drum roll please.
请奏鼓乐
哈啰，威廉
Hello, William.
你怎么…
How did you…
我跟你说了我会执行
I told you I was up to the job.
但情况变了，我不想死了
But everything has changed!
I don’t want to die.
这种装傻法对我无效
The irony is not lost on me.
你在跟谁说话？
Who are you talking…
老天！现在我得杀了你们俩
Oh.
Oh, great!
Now I have to kill you both.
不，拜托，她不会说出去
No!
Please, she won’t say anything.
你会吗？
Will you?
她不会
She won’t.
我有可能
I might.
不，你不会
No, you won’t!
好吧
Okay, well, ummm, you’re definitely dying,
你死定了，先别管那个
so let’s get that out of the way first,
我待会再想怎么处理你
and then I can work out what to do with you.
那么…
So, um, have a good death.
好好死吧
那么…
So, um, have a good death.
好好死吧
抱歉
Oh!
Sorry.
天哪，你不能关机吗？
Oh.
可以，我一定要接这通
Jesus, can’t you turn it off?
好，接吧
Yes, I really have to take this.
Sure.
反正你只是要我的命
Go ahead.
It’s only my life that we’re dealing with here.
哈啰，甜心
Hello, sweetheart?
对，我正在忙着
Yes, uh, I’m sort of in the middle of something.
雷斯
Oh, Les!
发生很可怕的事
Something terrible’s happened.
什么？南郡大赛？
What?
Is this about the Southern Counties?
有人闯进我们家，雷斯
We’ve had a break in, Les.
到处都是纸
There’s papers everywhere.
雷斯
And, Les, they’ve killed the budgies.
虎皮鹦鹉被杀了
雷斯
And, Les, they’ve killed the budgies.
虎皮鹦鹉被杀了
什么？
What?
虎皮鹦鹉被杀了
什么？
What?
没事吧？
Is everything okay?
好像是被人压碎的
They look like they’ve been crushed.
好，我得挂了
Ah, ah, all right, I have to go.
雷斯，会是谁做的？
Oh Les, who would do this?
我会去查，但…
I’ll work it out, but ah, I have to go.
我得挂了
我会去查，但…
I’ll work it out, but ah, I have to go.
有人杀了我虎皮鹦鹉
Someone killed my budgies.
虎皮鹦鹉？
Budgies?
真遗憾
Mm-hmm
I’m sorry.
刚刚说到哪？
So, where were we?
喔，对了
Ah, yes!
你是谁？
Who the fuck are you?
谢了！那个人要杀我们
Well, thanks.
That guy was going to kill us!
Oh.
干嘛？
What?
现在…
Now, you shoot yourself.
你自杀
现在…
Now, you shoot yourself.
你自杀
什么？我♥干♥嘛要自杀？
What?
Why would I want to do that?
不然我杀她
Or I shoot her.
别拖我下水
Don’t bring me into this.
好，别这样
Okay, okay.
等等，我♥干♥嘛要自杀？
Let’s not…
Wait, why do I have to shoot myself?
你不能杀我吗？
Why can’t you do it?
必须是自杀
For suicide.
你杀了他，然后自杀
You shot him
then you shot you.
我不在场
I was never here.
对喔，有道理
Ah yeah, makes sense.
然后你会放过她？
And you’ll let her go?
你如果也会杀她，那诱因不够
Well then I have no incentive.
好，好
If you’re going to kill her anyway,
okay, okay.
等等，你用你的枪杀他
Wait a minute.
他不能用这支枪自杀
You shot him with that gun
so he can’t shoot himself with this gun.
对，她说的有理
Yeah, she’s got a point.
我不懂
I don’t understand.
你拿这支枪，你那支给我
You take this gun and then you give me that one.
好，开枪吧
Okay, now shoot.
好啦！天哪！让我…
Okay, Jesus!
Just let me,
天哪
oh God.
威廉，你干嘛？
Will, what are you doing?
Five.
我只是…
I just want you to know…
我想让你知道，自从遇见你
Four.
我从没想过要自杀
I just want you to know that ever since I met you
I haven’t thought about killing myself once.
Three.
谢谢
Thank you.
Two.
One.
你
杀了
You killed my budgies.
我的
杀了
You killed my budgies.
我的
鹦鹉！
我想他死了
I think he’s dead.
是
Yeah.
你还好吗？
Are you okay?
还好
Oh, it’s only a, it’s a flesh wound.
只是皮肉伤
还好
Oh, it’s only a, it’s a flesh wound.
只是皮肉伤
我们还是继续吧
Well, I suppose we’d better get on with this!
干
Oh fuck.
什么？你刚刚救了他
What, but you just saved him!
这样我才能杀他，这是我的合约
So I can kill him.
那没有法律效力
It’s my contract!
It’s not legally binding!
你杀不了我，你连自杀都不行
Oh, you’re not going to shoot me.
You can’t even shoot yourself!
给我
Oh, give it here.
越来越荒唐了