雷蒙·斯尼奇的不幸历险（2004）

Verisimilitude.
记住 施特劳斯法官
Now, remember, Justice Strauss,
您说的每一个字都必须和真正的婚礼一样
you must say the words exactly as you would in a real wedding.
只字不差 观众中有些星探
Get it absolutely right. There are talent scouts in the audience
在寻找你这个年纪的演员 成败在此一举
Iooking for someone your age. It’s all riding on this one.
为什么你要告诉我这个 上帝啊
Why did you have to tell me that? Oh, my God.
带她去化妆
Take her to makeup.
好好享受紧张感
Enjoy! Embrace the butterflies.
这太荒谬了 维奥莱特才十四岁
This is ridiculous. Violet’s only 14.
没到合法结婚年龄
She can’t be legally married.
只要她的监护人同意就能结婚
She can if she has the permission of her guardian.
谁是她的监护人呢 没错 就是我
And who’s that? Oh, yes. Me!
好好看看 书呆子
Look it up, bookworm.
只要你说”我愿意” 再在结婚证书上签字
Yes. Once you say ”l do” and sign the marriage certificate,
你就是我可爱的新娘啦
you’ll really be my loverly bride.
你要洗衣烧饭 按♥摩♥我的脚趾的囊肿
You’ll cook and clean and massage my bunions
还要帮我剪厚厚的 发黄的脚趾甲
and clip my thick, yellow toenails.
婚姻可不容易啊 你得学着适应
Hey, marriage is no picnic. You gotta work at it.
我绝不会说”我愿意”的 绝不
I’ll never say ”l do.” Never.
我觉得你会的
I think you might. . .
只要你抬头看
. . .Once you look up there.
放开她
Let her go!
好啊 放开她
Gladly. Let her go.
-不 -拉住绳子
– No! – Put a hold on that.
如果你不说”我愿意”
If you don’t say ”l do,”
或者发生任何打断表演的事情
or if anything should happen to interrupt this performance,
我会对它发出指令
I say one word into this,
宝宝和摇篮就都会掉下来
and down will come baby, cradle and all.
砰
Clang!
你怎么能这样 她还只是个婴儿
How could you? She’s an infant.
维奥莱特 维奥莱特
Oh, Violet. Violet, Violet, Violet.
维奥莱特
Violet.
你已经十四岁了
You’re 1 4 years old.
你该知道 人生不如意之事
You should know by now that
十有八♥九♥
you can’t have everything you want.
你想要幸福的生活 想有个家
You want a life of happiness? A roof over your head?
有个地方放松自己之类之类的
A place to call your own and all that jazz?
那我想要的怎么办
And what about what I want?
我想要数不尽的财富
I want that enormous fortune
我想要调查我的案子都停止
and for all investigations against me to cease.
你要帮我得到我想要的
You’re going to help me get what I want. . .
就在今晚
. . .Tonight.
观众等我出场呢
My public awaits.
女生们 先生们 请以热烈掌声
Ladies and gentlemen, could you put your appendages together
有请《非凡婚姻》开场
for The Marvelouse Marriage.
你没有必要这么做
No. You’re not gonna go through with this.
我必须去
I have to.
不 总会有办法的
No, come on. There’s always something.
总会有办法的
There’s always something.
这次不会
No, not this time.
但是
But. . .
骆驼 到你了
Camel, you’re on.
-走吧 克劳斯 -维奥莱特
– Go, Klaus. – Violet.
快走
Go!
快走 骆驼 到你了
Move your hump, camel. You’re on.
什么都不能阻止伯爵迎娶他挚爱的新娘
Nothing in the world will keep The count from his beloved bride
什么都不能阻止伯爵迎娶他挚爱的新娘
Nothing in the world will keep The count from his beloved bride
什么都不能 什么都不能
Nothing in the world Nothing in the world
不能 不能
Nothing Nothing
真是个适合结婚的好日子
What a marvelous day for a marriage.
英俊的伯爵以一头密发和无比的勇气
If only the handsome count were here to claim his bride.
迎娶他的新娘
With his full head of hair and great bravery,
伯爵举世无双
the count has no equal.
如果是维奥莱特 会怎么做
What would Violet do?
胜利的天平倾向他
The courageous battle has waylaid him.
总有办法的 总有办法的
There’s always something. There’s always something.
温驯的光头求婚者
And a quiet, bald-headed suitor
夺走了新娘的爱情
has stolen the bride’s affections.
天啊 新郎是个无赖
Alas. The groom is a cad.
比起伯爵远远不及
And nowhere near as handsome as the count.
除非奇迹发生
If only for a miracle.
英俊的伯爵出现了 拯救了
Some way for the handsome count to come and save. . .
一场可能成为灾难的婚礼
What a thoroughly unmarvelous marriage this will be.
不过等一下
But wait.
那是什么
What is that?
伯爵驾着他的旋翼飞机
It’s the count, in his autogiro.
真没想到他们这么下本儿
I didn’t know they had this kind of budget.
没错 就是我 来迎娶我的新娘
Yes, it is I, come to marry my bride.
先生 你一定非常吃惊吧
And you, sir, have been taken by surprise.
注意 接下来的一幕将非常血腥
Caution. This next scene could get pretty graphic.
让开 恶棍
Away, rapscallion!
光头的登徒子
Hairless Lothario!
接住那个 还有这个
Take that. And that.
我能休息一下吗
Can I get some slack?
开始婚礼吧
Let the wedding begin.
别向下看
Don’t look down.
别向下看
Don’t look down.
奥拉夫伯爵 你是否愿意
Do you, Count Olaf,
接受她成为你的合法妻子
take this to be your lawfully wedded wife,
不论贫穷疾病 直到死亡将你们分离
in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
直到死亡
Until death,
我当然愿意
I most certainly do.
维奥莱特·波德莱尔你是否愿意
Do you, Violet Baudelaire,
接受奥拉夫伯爵
take this–? Count Olaf
成为你的合法丈夫
to be your lawfully wedded husband,
不论贫穷疾病 直到死亡将你们分离
in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
施特劳斯法官 我
Justice Strauss, l–
我愿意
I do.
-她配不上他 -确实
– She doesn’t deserve him. – No.
-你觉得呢 -不 她确实配不上
– Are you thinking that? – No, she doesn’t.
-现在 只需要 -阳阳
– Now, all that is left. . . – Sunny?
让这对幸福的新人签下结婚证书
. . .Is for this happy couple to sign the marriage certificate,
这场婚姻便
and this union shall be–
正式有效
Official
并且完全合法
and legal.
阳阳 钥匙呢 钥匙呢
Sunny, where’s the key? The key to the lock.
请用右手
Right hand, please.
孩子们 我得告诉你们
Children, I’m afraid I must inform you
一个非常不幸的消息
of an extremely unfortunate event.
我感到非常非常抱歉
I’m very, very sorry to tell you this,
你们的父母在一场火灾中丧生了
but your parents have perished in a fire
房♥子也完全烧毁
that’s destroyed your entire home.
事情不会平白无故地发生
These things don’t just happen.
快点 快点 快点
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
看看我对你可爱的小家做了什么
Look what I did to your pretty little home.
让一切结束吧
Let’s finish here.
头儿
Boss.
出什么事了 现在有点忙
What is it? Kind of busy right now.
出了点问题
We’ve got a problem.
你在哪里
Where are you?
抬头看
Look up.
我在这里
Hi!
那就结束我们的表演吧
And so concludes our play!
不 等等 这不是一出表演
No, wait, it wasn’t a play!
如果我不跟他结婚的话
Count Olaf was gonna kill
奥拉夫伯爵就会杀了阳阳
Sunny if I didn’t go through with the marriage.
荒谬
Ridiculous.
不 你们得听我说
No, you have to listen to me.
他跟我结婚只是为了波德莱尔家的财产
He was only marrying me to get to the Baudelaire fortune.
这一部分倒是真的
No, that part is true, actually.
什么