头条笑料 Punchline（1988）

妳是莱拉?
You’re Lilah?
阿诺?
Arnold?
密语是什麽?
What’s the password?
“罗密欧叫我来的” – 他一定喜欢妳
“Romeo sent me.” – He must like you.
他说的? – 他叫妳来找我啦
Did he say that? – He sent you to me.
我走投无路了 – 妳找对人了
He knows I’m desperate. – You came to the right man.
怎麽做?
So, how do we do it?
妳有钱吗?
Do you have money?
我不知道多少… – 五百元
I didn’t know how much… – $500.
天哪
Jesus.
一个二十元 一套二十五个
They’re $20 a pop. I can sell you a packet of 25.
这是上等货 保证新鲜
This is prime stuff. Guaranteed fresh.
可以看一下吗?
Could I see them?
没有免费样品
No free samples.
这是我的私房♥钱 我要先看货
Look, this is my cookie-jar money. I’ve got to see what I’m buying.
千万别泄漏出去…
Never let it be said…
“波兰的女孩结婚时 会得到什麽又长又硬的东西?”
“What does a Polish girl get that’s long and hard when she gets married?”
笑点在哪里?
Where’s the punchline?
那就是妳付钱给我的目的
That’s what you pay me for.
讲到婚姻 我嫁给波兰人
Speaking of marriage, I’m married to a Polish man.
你们也许认识波兰人
I don’t know if you know Polish men…
我们结婚时他给我一样又长又硬的东西
…but he gave me something long and hard when we got married.
知道是什麽吗? – 他的姓氏
You know what? – Yeah, a last name.
你听过了?
You heard that one, huh?
我讨厌威玛弗林史东 我想谈谈她
(摩登原始人主角之妻 每当主角闹出大事时，常帮忙解决)
I hate Wilma Flintstone. I want to talk about it.
她是个婊♥子♥
I think she’s a fucking bitch.
我是纽约人 家里有十个孩子
I’m from New York, from a large family. There are 10 kids in my family.
多得连我爸的肚皮
That’s a lot of kids, Jack. My father has stretch marks.
都有妊娠纹
There’s a bunch of us.
我知道你们都在想 “瞧这女的
I know you’re all staring at me thinking, “My God, look at this girl.
她长得好像戴安娜罗丝 好神奇”
(美国女黑人歌♥手及演员)
“She looks so much like Diana Ross. I can’t get over it.”
我要模仿
I’m going to do an impression…
甘地的母亲
…of Gandhi’s mother.
“甜心 拜托 吃一个三明治 好吗?”
“Sweetheart, please, just a sandwich.”
我老婆买♥♥了鳄鱼皮手套 我问 “买♥♥手套做什麽?”
My wife bought alligator gloves. I said, “Why the gloves?”
她说她要告诉别人她有皮肤病
“I’ll tell them I got a skin condition.”
有用抗水蛭药的经验吗?
Have you tried Leech Off?
跟盐酸一起用非常有效
Leech Off works naturally with hydrochloric acid.
只要点在眼睛里 水蛭就自然滚蛋了
Just a few drops in each eye, you can kiss those leeches goodbye.
我们在做♥爱♥ 我发觉他很压抑
We were making love the other night. I felt he was holding back.
我说 “亲爱的 我们都结婚15年了
So I said, “Sweetheart, we’ve been married for 15 years.
我不想你做♥爱♥的时候这麽压抑
“When we make love, I don’t want you to hold back.
想干嘛就干嘛”
“I want you to do whatever you want to do.”
结果知道他干什麽吗? 他吐了
So you know what he did? He threw up.
如果你嫁给波兰男士
The thing about being married to a Polish man…
妳会以为跟嫁别人一样…
…you’d think it would be like being married to anyone else.
我第一次和女性接触是在我很年轻的时候
The first physical contact I had with a woman came very early in life.
我见到这个女孩咬了她的胸部
I saw a girl dancing, I went up and bit her on the chest.
他们当时在拯救鲸鱼
Slaughter? They’re saving the whales…
和海豹 但在残害聚酯宝宝的时候
…they’re saving the seals but nobody gives a shit…
却没人关心…
…when they kill a baby polyester just to make a…
好莱坞对蜡像馆最新的概念 来自帮一个明星治疗的
Hollywood’s newest concept for a wax museum comes from an ear doctor…
耳科医生
…who treats the stars.
我不想争辩刻板印象
I don’t want to argue with you, please, with the stereotypes.
中国人非常会开车 好
Chinese people are excellent drivers. Fine.
很多犹太人抢着付帐 好
A lot of Jewish people pick up a check. Fine.
很多日本人没有摄影器材
Many Japanese tourists have no photo equipment.
他们有大老二 好
They have big dicks. Fine.
你会喜欢这则笑话 我历史课的学生觉得很好笑
Listen, you’ll like this. It works in my history class.
纳森海尔说 “我只有一生”
Nathan Hale said, “I only have one life.”
听着 我可以等 我在等
Listen. I can wait. I’m waiting.
我有很多时间
I have all the time.
混♥蛋♥!
Asshole!
【请安静 口试进行中】
对不起 我是史帝芬高德
Excuse me. I’m Steven Gold.
高德先生 很高兴你能来
Mr. Gold, how nice of you to drop by.
抱歉我迟到了 我整晚熬夜念书
Sorry I’m late. You know, I was up studying all night.
没关系 你的努力有了成果
That’s all right. Certainly seems to be paying off for you, doesn’t it?
你的笔试98分
On the written portion, you got a 98.
是全班最高分
It’s the highest grade in the class.
真的?
I did?
是的 对一个试读半年的
Yes, that’s quite an accomplishment for a student who’s been…
学生来说很了不起
…on academic probation for the last half year.
谢谢
Thank you.
我觉得很不可思议
I’d call it incredible.
你不觉得吗?
Wouldn’t you?
顺着消化路径 标出每个部位
Trace the path of digestion, Gold. Label everything along the way.
这有在考试项目里吗?
Was this on the prep sheet?
没有 但对笔试98分的学生来说
No. But for a man who scored 98 on the written test…
应该不是问题 请标出来
…this should be no problem. Labels please.
我想发表对标示的意见
If I could just say a word about labels.
医生在今日社会中的真正功能
I think that to truly function in today’s society…
应该是对人有整体性的了解
…a doctor has to have an understanding of the human being as a whole.
你同意吗? – 没错
Do you not agree? – I would.
我可以把各部位标出来
I could stand here and I could name things.
硬颚和软颚 食道
I could name the hard and soft palate, the pharynx, epiglottis and oesophagus…
胃 脾脏… 但那并无法触碰到
…the stomach, the spleen, but it doesn’t begin to touch on the fact…
肠胃系统的核心… 也就是您的专长 医生
…that the gastro-intestinal system, which is your specialty, Dr. Wishniak…
也是我真正想钻研的领域…
…indeed the field that I hope to go into…
是维持人类存活的根本基础
…is really responsible for keeping the whole human being alive.
心 肺与其相较下都会显得暗淡无光…
The heart, the lungs, everything pales by comparison…
因为人的动力…
…because man is motivated…
都是因为饥饿所致
…in everything he does by hunger.
一般人相信 人是被性♥爱♥所刺♥激♥
Popular belief has it that man is motivated by sex, Mr. Gold.
让我告诉你
Let me tell you something.
把美女和披萨摆在一个饥饿的男人面前
You show a starving man a beautiful woman and a pizza.
他会选哪一个?
What do you think he’s going to choose?
试试丑女和披萨
Make it an ugly woman and a pizza.
把各部位标出来
Name the parts, Gold.
如果没有全对 表示你没有参加笔试
If you can’t get 100 percent, you’re not the man who took that test.
如果是别人帮你考的 你就会被开除!
And if you sent someone else in to take it for you, you’re out!
结肠的脾脏弯摺
Spleen inflecture of the transverse colon.
大网膜
Greater omentum.
阑尾
Vermiform appendix.
肠
The intestine.
肠的哪个部位?
What part of the intestine?
大肠
The large intestine.
大肠的哪个部位?
What part of the large intestine?
你知道吗? – 知道
Do you know it or not? – Of course I do.
是什麽?
Then what is it?
尿道
The poop chute.
我不知道帮器官取诡异的名字有什麽好处
I call it that because I don’t believe in shrouding our organs…
所以大家才会怕医生
…in mysterious names. That’s why people are afraid of doctors.
我们要把你开除 – 拜托
We’re washing you out, Gold. – Dr. Wishniak, please.
我这学期的时间分配一直有问题
I’ve been under something of a time problem this semester.
我晚上在工作
I’ve been working nights.
我坦白说好了
Can I be frank with you?
真正有天分的人等着进本校
There are people with real talent and dedication waiting for a spot in this school.
其中一人会拿着你的学位…
One of them is going to have yours, because it serves no purpose…
因为让你行医也没有意义…
…to let someone like you become a practitioner of medicine.
为何要让一个没有天分的人…
What good does it do to allow someone with no talent for it…
去治疗疾病患者呢?
…to treat people with life-threatening ailments?
那可以减少病患的数量
It’ll cut down on the number of people with life-threatening ailments.
任何事对你都是笑话吗? – 不是
Is everything a joke to you? – No, it’s not, Doctor. I’m sorry.
拜托 给我一个机会 – 抱歉
Please, I’d like another chance. – Sorry.
我不能被当
I can’t flunk out.
你已经被当了
You already have.
我该怎麽办?
What am I going to do?
你晚上的工作是你有天分的事吗?
This work you do at night, is it anything you have a talent for?
直肠!