我和厄尔以及将死的女孩

I don’t know what she’d do.
不要哭
Don’t cry.
我没有哭
I’m not crying.
好吧 你要是想哭就哭吧
Right, well, you know, you can cry if you need to.
你刚才说”不要哭”
I thought you said, “Don’t cry.”
我和我爸爸以前常在街区散步
Me and my dad used to walk around the block
然后数松鼠
and count squirrels.
为什么 他是在松鼠普查中心工作吗
Why? Did he work for, like, the squirrel census?
不 这只是我们在一起时
No, it was just something we did
没事做找乐子而已
when it was time for us to spend time together.
我们数松鼠的时候其它什么都不说
We didn’t even say anything while we did it.
所说的不过是
All we’d say was stuff like:
“七只松鼠””过去两只 九只了”
“Squirrel, seven.” “Two squirrels, nine.”
天啊 你马上去申请爸爸赔偿金吧
Jesus. You need to apply for a dad refund immediately.
我是哪个派的
What group am I in?
什么
What?
昨天你告诉我 你把学校所有的学生
Yesterday you were saying you’d mapped out
都划分了派别
the entire high school by group.
我是哪个派别的
What’s my group?
-你要听 -是啊
-Seriously? -Yeah.
无聊犹太高三女生派 2-A班分支
Boring Jewish Senior Girls, Subgroup 2-A.
你该感谢我的坦诚
Please appreciate how honest I was just now.
你就是个混♥蛋♥
You’re an asshole.
那你是哪个派的
What group are you in?
呃 事实上 我没有派别
Uh, I’m not in a group, actually.
不烂的派我都高攀不起
I just wouldn’t belong to a group that doesn’t suck.
我差劲得要命
You know, I’m terminally awkward
而且长得像只土拨鼠
and I have a face like a little groundhog.
所以…
So…
你不会真这么想吧
You can’t really think that.
不是我要那么想
No, I don’t think that.
那就是事实
I know that.
我只是觉得 像我这样的孩子…
I just feel like, you know, for a kid like me…
在高中最好的情况
in high school, best case scenario,
不过是…存活下来 你懂吗
just… survive. You know?
不去树敌或是做出让人记一辈子的蠢事…
Survive without creating any mortal enemies…
这样存活下来
or hideously embarrassing yourself forever.
存活到上大学
Just survive until college?
大学 不 天啊 大学更差劲
College? No. God, college is going to be even worse.
什么
What?
我是说 至少高中三点就放学了…
I mean, at least high school, it’s over at 3:00…
而且基本都是我认识的人
and it’s kids I mostly know by now.
而大学里会不停遇见陌生人
But college is just gonna be non-stop strangers.
有的还要和你住在一起
And some of them even live in your room.
那就意味着你永远无法放松
It’s like you can literally never relax.
可以预计不到两周 我就要恐慌至死
I see myself dying of a panic attack two weeks in.
我可能就不申请大学了
I might just not apply.
这是我听你说过最蠢的话
That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard you say.
或许它还排不上前五蠢呢
It’s probably not even top five.
而且 不管是高中还是大学
And, you know, high school, college,
我们不得不把人生这几年…
we’re forced to spend these years of our lives…
和由不得我们选择
in randomly selected groups of people
又毫无共同点的人耗在一起
that we have nothing in common with.
想想就怕
It’s a nightmare.
其实大家心里都是这么认为的
Anyone who says otherwise is lying.
恭喜你 格雷戈
Congratulations, Greg.
明天你要和无聊犹太高三女生派
Tomorrow, you’re eating lunch with
2-A班分支共进午餐
boring Jewish Senior Girls, Subgroup 2-A.
你一般坐在哪儿
So where do you usually sit?
咱们简直就像在阿富汗吃饭
It’s literally like we’re trying to have lunch in Kandahar.
瑞秋 我们刚知道今年舞会的主题竟然是
Rachel, we just found out the theme for this year’s prom
“难忘佳骑”
“A Knight to Remember.”
-骑是”骑士”的骑 -中世纪舞会
-Knight with a “K”. -Medieval prom!
距离舞会不是还有六个月吗
Isn’t prom like six months away?
小伙伴们 这位是格雷戈
Hi, guys. This is Greg,
他今天和我们一起吃饭
he’s gonna be sitting with us today.
谁要勺子 没人吗
Anybody need any spoons? No?
你们好
Hello.
格雷戈 为什么你今天会和我们坐一起
So, Greg, why are you sitting with us today?
吃午饭嘛
You know, it’s lunch.
总要找个地方坐 不能站着吧
You gotta eat somewhere. Can’t stand and eat.
你和瑞秋突然成了好朋友
You and Rachel seem very friendly, all of a sudden.
是啊
Yeah.
你找她不过是因为她得了癌症
You’re only talking to her because she has cancer.
什么
What?
格雷戈 你和瑞秋就出去玩了一次
Greg, you hung out with Rachel once.
你和她交朋友只是想自我感觉良好
You’re befriending her to feel good about yourself.
我没有
No, I’m not.
难道有人会那样做
Who even does that?
你们介意我坐这儿吗
You guys mind if I sit with you?
当然不介意
Of course not.
抱歉 这是一个…
Sorry, it’s a…
这是一个枕头 用来扮演宝宝
it’s a pillow. It’s meant to be a baby,
健康课用的
for health class.
你觉得它在这安全吗
You think it’s safe here?
枕头吗
A pillow?
格雷戈 你觉得呢
Greg, what do you think?
我不知道
Mmm, I don’t know.
最好不要让我碰到
Better not get it too close to me,
要不然我可能会拿它打飞机
otherwise I might just masturbate onto it.
格雷戈 你够恶心的
Greg, that’s just weird and gross.
嘿 大家
Hey, everyone,
快看看斯考特·梅休的”霸王龙步伐”
check out Scott Mayhew’s Tyrannosaurus walk.
从A点挪到B点 用这步伐最好不过
It’s a great way to get from point A to point B.
格雷戈 你说话真刻薄
That was really mean, Greg.
我觉得他听见了
I think he heard you.
就这样…
And just like that…
八年来苦心经营的低调形象…
eight years of carefully-cultivated invisibility…
毁了
gone.
不复存在
Fin.
你妈妈做的饼干
Your mom-made cookies?
不 是”病态菲尔”玩汤克牌输给我的
Nah, I won them off of Ill Phil in a game of tonk.
老是赢你没意思
Got tired of whooping your sorry ass.
真不知道为什么还有人叫它”学者视野生物学”
Why do they even call it Scholar Horizons Biology?
我觉得大家应该叫它”学者视野汤克牌”
Maybe they should call it Scholar Horizons Tonk.
或者叫”纸足球游戏”
Or sometimes Paper Football.
异教♥徒♥们
Heathens.
-怎么了 -嗨 麦卡锡老师
-What up? -Hi, Mr. McCarthy.
厄尔 你是在吃垃圾食品
Earl, fact, that lunch is garbage.
你这是在我们面前毒害自己
You’re literally poisoning yourself right in front of us.
至少我不用喝那些恶心的
At least I ain’t eating no funky ass
海藻一样的触须汤
seaweed-looking tentacle soup.
开玩笑 这东西可是宝
Seriously, this stuff is the business.
这是越南菜 叫越南河粉
It’s Vietnamese. It’s called Pho.
那是”芬芳馥郁”
It is “Pho-nomenal.”
那让我来喝口试试
Well, let me try some one time.
-你现在又想喝了 -是的
-Now you want to try some? -Yeah.
不行
Well, no.
我不许给你食物
It’s strictly forbidden for me to give you food.
不过你可以去…
However, if you go to…
劳伦斯维尔一家餐厅
Thuyen’s Super Saigon Flavor
叫”于耶西贡好风味”…
over in Lawrenceville…
然后找于耶
and ask for Thuyen.
告诉他记我账上 就行了
Tell him to put it on my tab. You’ll be all set.
我才不要去劳伦斯维尔
I ain’t going to no damn Lawrenceville.
那当我没说
Fair enough.
抱歉 我要走了
You’ll have to excuse me.
孩子们
Boys.
尊重科研
Respect the research.
要尊重
Respect!
天啊 跟你说 大家都以为