..or a Monopoly piece up your butt. It happens when you’re a kid.
看看是谁来啦 – 嘿
Uh-oh, look who’s here. -Hey.
我闻到了电子烟的味道
I smell a vape pen.
你们准备好解开谜团了吗？
You guys ready to solve a mystery?
就像《史酷比狗》一样
It’s like Scooby-Doo.
注：均为史酷比狗中的角色
我是弗雷德，你可以是达芙妮或者维尔玛
I’ll be Fred, you can be Daphne or Velma,
你可以当年轻版的亚伯拉罕·林肯，因为你跟他的样子差不多
and you can be a young Abraham Lincoln, ’cause that’s what you look like.
注：史酷比狗中的小配角
所以你们俩是怎么认识的？
So how did you two meet?
天呐，请你别问了 – 我们能不能别提这事？
God. Please, just no. -Can we not do this?
好吧，确实也不关我的事
Okay. Really none of my business.
但我不得不说，我感觉到了一些性张力
But I just have to say, I sense some sexual tension.
你搞错了 – 嗯
You’re mistaken. -Mm.
不是说你们两个啦，我说的是狗狗
Not between you. The dogs.
其实吧
You know what?
注：thicc是thick的变形，两个字母CC看起来更像臀部曲线，用来形容女性身材火♥辣♥
我认为克洛伊确实有点像梨形身材，像个大鸭梨
I think that Chloe does feel a little thicc, with two C’s.
我知道梨形身材是什么意思
I know the lingo.
这样吧，把钱宁·塔图姆老弟抱到桌上来
Tell you what, let’s get old Channing Tatum up on the table
我们来一探究竟，如何？
and we’ll see if this is even possible, huh?
行，就这么办吧
Yeah, let’s.
克洛伊，过来吧
Chloe, come here.
上来吧朋友，就是这样
Come on up, pal. There ya go.
我很高兴你没有把它杀了，站好了
Well, I’m glad you didn’t kill him. There you go.
你原本要把狗杀了？ – 你过得咋样呀？
You were gonna kill the dog? -How you been?
我没有，你闭嘴吧 – 我们来看看是什么情况吧？
No, just shut up. -Should we find out what’s going on?
那是什么？ – 那是他的小鸡鸡
What’s that? -Well, that’s his penis.
而且是条巨龙啊，相当雄伟
And that’s a great penis. It’s a really, really good one.
我不是问这个…
Not that, the…
是问那个球…那个圆形的球状物体
Yeah, the ball… the ball circle things right there.
哦对，那个球状物 – 那是啥？
Yeah, the ball things. -What are those?
噢，卧了个槽，他是隐睾啊
Oh, fuck me. He’s cryptorchid.
什么意思？ – 请你说人话，啥意思啊…
What does that mean? -In English, please. What does that…
意思就是他还有两个功能正常的睾丸
It means that he has two functioning testicles.
只是它们没能下降到阴囊中
They just never dropped from his abdomen.
什么？还有这种事？ – 嗯，是有可能发生的
What? That’s possible? -Yeah, it’s possible.
厉害啊！你在四处播种啊，伙计！
Well, good for you! You’re shooting live rounds, buddy!
够了 – 查清楚啦
Okay. -All right.
准备好继续我们的亲子鉴定狗血大戏了吗？
Are you ready for the next segment of The Maury Povich Show?
求你别说了 – 来吧克洛伊，接下来到你了
Please stop. -Come on, Chloe, you’re next.
好
Okay.
我估计距离狗仔出生还有45天左右
I’d say it’s about T-minus 45 days until showtime.
你们俩要当爷爷奶奶了
You two are gonna be grandparents.
噢
Oh.
钱宁，我们走
Come on, Channing.
如果你想要一份超声图像的副本，只需要49.95美金
Now, if you want a copy of the ultrasound, it’s just $49.95.
然后她一溜烟就跑了，她太恶劣了吧，750刀呢！
And then she just storms out. I mean, she’s an awful human. 750 bucks!
幸好你现在还有份工作
Thank God you currently have a job.
我相信我可以当好一个单亲爷爷的，对吧？
I’m sure I can be a single grandfather, right?
一条狗我都养得好，五条也不在话下
I’m good with one dog. I can handle five.
别担心，我可以当他们的教父
Don’t worry. I’ll be your godfather.
希望你生的第一个小狗是只小公狗（模仿教父中的台词）
May your first puppies be masculine puppies.
我他妈完蛋了
I’m so fuckin’ screwed.
其实我已经有一段时间没搞过创作了
I haven’t really written anything in a while, um,
但你激发了我的灵感
but you’ve kind of inspired me,
所以我想着，说不定可以试着为你弹奏两句…
so I thought maybe I’d try to write you a little…
♪克洛伊，小猎犬♪
♪ Chloe, little spaniel ♪
♪没什么可以难住我们♪
♪ Nothin’ we can’t handle ♪
♪你偷走了我的面包，也偷走了我的心♪
♪ Stealin’ my toast and stealin’ my heart ♪
♪我们风雨同舟，即便你整天乱叫♪
♪ Buddies even when you bark ♪
或是到处放屁
Or fart.
对，放臭屁
Yeah, fart.
♪克洛伊，我们天天如此♪
♪ Chloe, every day ♪
♪一睁眼就想着玩♪
♪ We both wake up ready to play ♪
♪永远不说再见♪
♪ Never gonna say goodbye ♪
♪献给我那毛茸茸的绝地大♥师♥♪
♪ To my furry Jedi ♪
你觉得怎么样？
What do you think?
是我对不起你
I’m sorry.
他看上去是不是有点伤心？
Does he look sad to you?
我希望他能忘了那个荡♥妇♥
I hate that he misses that hussy.
大姐，他会这么郁闷
Dude, maybe he’s bummed
说不定是因为你剥夺了他当一名父亲的机会
because you’ve basically robbed him of the chance to be a father.
你凭一己之力就加深了 人们对于父亲不负责任的刻板印象
You’re like single-handedly perpetuating the stereotype of deadbeat dads.
那我该怎么做？麦克斯就是个彻头彻尾的神经病
Okay, what am I supposed to do? Max is a complete lunatic.
你现在会不爽，只是因为你有点喜欢他
Well, you’re just mad because you kind of liked him,
而他却对你没兴趣
and he wasn’t into you.
拜托，才不是这样
Oh, no. Please.
那家伙给一张公园长凳消毒了将近5分钟
Okay, the guy disinfected a park bench for, like, five minutes,
像个连环杀手一样
like a serial killer.
你真的要因为狗崽妈妈的主人
Are you really gonna punish your dog
拒绝了你，就惩罚你的狗吗？
because the owner of his baby mama rejected you?
我挂了，拜拜
Okay, bye.
伙计，你给我们惹了什么麻烦回来？
Oh, buddy, what did you get us into, huh?
你好像静音了，对，你静音了
I think you’re muted. Yeah, you’re muted.
天呐，对不起各位
Oh, my gosh. Sorry, you guys.
你们肯定以为我现在应该…
You would think I would know…
…会用Zoom了吧，现在好了，抱歉
…how to use Zoom by now. Okay, sorry.
我想直接从刚刚收到的
Um, so what I’d love to do is just jump into
妮可·马修斯：
我们能到公园见一面吗？我想把小刺猬玩具还给你
客户调查数据开始讲起
the customer survey numbers that came back.
我知道我们…
Um, I know we’re just digging…
嘿
Hey.
来啦
Hey.
哇
Wow.
他有点担心她会因为他带着项圈，就不喜欢他了
He was a little concerned she wouldn’t go for him with the cone on.
所以你已经带他去…
So you had him…
对，干净利落
Yeah, just right off.
但从那之后，他的行为就有点古怪
But he’s been acting strange since before then.
一样的，克洛伊每到周一也会有点抑郁
Yeah, Chloe’s had a permanent case of the Mondays.
这样啊
Mm.
你瞧他们俩 – 他们肯定是看对眼了
Look at them now. -Yeah, they clearly dig each other.
噢…
Oh, uh…
抱歉，这玩具他看得可紧了
Sorry. He wouldn’t give it up that easy.
至少不会像她一样丢三落四 – 哈！
At least not as easy as she did. -Ha!
拿着吧，这是我那一半的兽医费
Oh. Here. It’s my half of the vet bill.
噢
Oh.
谢了 – 没事
Thanks. -Yeah.
我还在Spotify上找到一些很不错的播客，关于养育幼犬的
I also found some great podcasts about raising puppies on Spotify.
我给你列了个播放列表，如果你想要的话，可以分享给你
I can share the playlist I made with you, if you want.
感觉还挺有用的
That’s actually really cool.
我知道整个孕期会持续多久
Look, I know how long this whole pregnancy thing lasts.
我凡事也都是靠自己，所以我知道有多难，也知道…
And I do everything alone. And I know how hard it is, and how…
说实话吧，我…
Look, I mean, honestly, I could…
如果不是有人在旁边
I couldn’t have done the vet visit
帮我集中注意力的话，我肯定没法听兽医说完的
without somebody else there helping me stay focused,
就算那个人是你
even if it was you.
我是不是该说声…谢谢
Thanks. I think.
我一直在网上阅读关于母狗在怀孕期间的情绪状况
And I’ve been reading online about the mother’s emotional well-being
会如何影响幼犬的资料
during the pregnancy and how it can affect the puppies.
而且你看他们俩在一起多开心，所以…
And, I mean, look how happy they are together, so…
要不我们以朋友的身份，偶尔让他们出来一起玩玩？
I don’t know, what if we, as friends, got them together for a few playdates?
直到生产之前？
Just until the delivery?
也许我们可以…找个地方让他们自己玩
And, I don’t know, we can just, like, drop them off somewhere.
我肯定是不想你们来我家的
I definitely do not want you sticking around my place.
我也不想你们来我家
Well, yeah, I don’t want you at my place either.
行啊，挺好的
Okay, cool, great.
那我们可以选个相对中立的地方，让他们见面
Then we can choose some place neutral to let them meet up.
你觉得可以吗？
Does that work for you?
这一切都是为了孩子们，对吧？
I mean, I guess we’ll be doing it for the kids, right?
“生狗崽的不是你，是狗妈妈”
You don’t deliver the puppies. Mom does.
“动物的天性会掌控一切”
Nature takes absolute control of everything