口袋里的小石头（2014）

也一直抱着强烈的希望 认为米兰达总有一天会回来
and still had a mad hope that Miranda would come back one day
再次变回过去的那个女人 因此带她去看精神病医生
and become the woman she once was, brought her to a psychiatrist
医生让她吃抗抑郁药 每天吃一大把
who put her on antidepressants,a handful of pills a day.
在苏联
In the Soviet Union
精神病科室是属于化学工业部门的
psychiatry was a department of the chemical industry,
它显然不是为了治疗人的灵魂而存在的
it definitely was not about healing one’s soul.
治疗抑郁症的药堆积如山 让人难以承受
The pharmaceuticals that were supposed to treat depression were hardcore
却像拿着锤子给人剪指甲一样
and about as precise and useful as a hammer is
起不到任何实质作用
for cutting one’s fingernails.
米兰达陷入了化学药物浓重的迷雾当中
Miranda descended into the thick chemical cloud
再也没有人触及到过她的灵魂
and no one ever heard from her soul again.
过了20年 在生下另一个孩子之后
20 years and another child later,
她实现了自己最终极 也最成功的计划
she carried out her final and most successful plot.
在精神病院像她这样的病人
At the mental hospital where patients like her,
都被24小时监控着
under 24-hour surveillance,
她却仍然想办法从5楼的楼顶跳了下去
she still managed to jump off the 5th floor roof.
那时 有神秘的声音在指引着她
By then, she was guided by mysterious voices.
为她指出监控系统中的漏洞
They pointed out to her the gaps in the surveillance system
并告诉她怎么利用这些漏洞
and how to use them to her advantage.
她终于实现了自己的愿望
She finally fulfilled her dream.
她挣脱了束缚
She broke free.
她的丈夫独自一人抚养两个孩子
Her husband took care of their two children all by himself
并同他妻子的家人断绝了联♥系♥
and insulated them from his wife’s family.
只有他们三个人清楚自己都经历过些什么
Only the three of them knew what they had gone through.
其余的世界对他们而言 都是疯狂
The rest of the world was just crazy.
有件奇怪的事情是
Here’s an odd thing
你从来不会从别人的错误中学到什么
you never learn from other people’s mistakes.
只能从你自己的错误中吸取教训
Only from your own.
而我就是下一个做同样事情的人
I was next in line to do just the same thing.
（第七个孙女 西格娜）
我一直都很清楚 自己想做一个自♥由♥ 独♥立♥的女人
I always knew I wanted to be a free, independent woman,
一个作家 艺术家 一个不羁的流浪者
a writer, an artist, a bohemian,
但在我21岁时 一个我所迷恋的男人向我求婚了
but a man I was obsessed with at age 21 proposed.
我答应了 心里想着我可以推迟婚礼
I said yes, thinking I would postpone the wedding
一直等到我们两个对彼此失去激♥情♥
till we fell out of the obsession.
我对拖延事情很在行
I was a master at postponing things.
但是我怀孕了
But I got pregnant
我的父母坚持让我们结婚
and my parents insisted that we do the right thing.
否则邻居们会怎么说啊！ 他们哭喊道
What would the neighbors say! They cried out.
我们是这个社区中 很体面的人家
We are respectable people in our community
我们绝不能因为你而丢脸
and we are not going to lose face because of you!
我受过良好的教育 而且很聪明
I was well educated and smart,
但是我也不能克服我性格上的弱点
but I still couldn’t overcome a failing of my character
去取悦那些我爱的人 从而牺牲我的梦想
to please the people I love at the expense of my dreams.
我和这个男人结婚了
I married the guy,
没过多久 我就开始在睡觉前出现幻象
and soon started to have fantasies just before sleep
想着哪怕我还大着肚子
that as pregnant as I was
我也要搭上一架飞机离开拉脱维亚 到苏联远东的堪察加半岛去
I would take an airplane to Kamchatka,the far-east point in the Soviet union from Latvia.
将自己从婚姻的桎梏中解脱出来
and free myself from the shackles of marriage.
然后我的孩子就出生了
Then my son was born.
那是一种令人震颤的愉悦
It was an exhilarating thrill.
看到他的脸就一阵狂喜
The ecstasy of seeing his face,
这份母子之情让我沉醉在幸福中
connecting with him made me drunk with happiness
心中充盈着甜蜜的满足感
and full of sweet satisfaction.
我感觉自己是个成年人了
I felt adult.
我感觉有了另一种超越信仰的责任
I felt I was given a responsibility beyond belief,
像驾驶着一辆乘坐300人的公车穿越危险地带
like driving a bus with 300 people over a treacherous terrain.
我终于想做一个成年人了 我想给我的孩子幸福的生活
I wanted to be an adult finally, and I wanted to give my son a good life.
但奇怪的是 我在睡觉之前又开始出现了
But, strangely, I started having another sort of fantasy
另一种幻象
right before sleep.
在这个幻象中
In this scenario,
我会静静地起床
I would get up quietly,
没有吵醒丈夫 穿上一件浴袍
without disturbing my husband, put on a bathrobe,
从仓库找一根绳子 走上阁楼 然后上吊自杀
take a cord from the workshop, go up to the attic and hang myself.
这种幻象在夜晚使我安慰而满足 让我感到自♥由♥
That fantasy was soothing and deeply satisfing at night. It made me feel free,
它让我感到我还有的选择
it made me feel like I had options again.
但在白天 它又让我感到不安
But in the daylight it seemed disturbing.
我需要和别人聊天
I needed to talk to somebody.
在你的家族里 有人自杀或者试图自杀过吗
Has anyone in your family committed or tried to commit suicide?
这个本地的精神医生一脸严肃地问我
The local psychiatrist looked at me with a stern expression.
她的眼睛里充满血丝 浑浊不清
Her eyes were bloodshot and milky.
她的丈夫是一位耳鼻喉科的医生
Her husband, an ear, throat and nose specialist,
有权无限制地使用纯酒精
had unlimited access to pure alcohol,
他对酒精的功效深信不疑 以至于他几乎对自己的大部分病人
the power of which he believed in so much that he treated most of his patients,
包括他自己 都用酒精来治疗
including himself, with the spirits.
她的妻子当然也能弄到一些精神类药物
His wife obviously had access to some psychotropic medication
而且显然在她把处方开给别人之前
and it was apparent that before she prescribed them to anybody
她都会先在自己身上做试验
she first tested them on herself.
医生必须做出这样的牺牲
The sacrifices doctors must make.
是的 我说出了真♥相♥
Yes. I said, letting the truth out,
尽管我知道我的父母不同意我这样做
although I knew my parents would disapprove.
我堂姐在生完孩子之后就试图自杀过
My cousin tried to hang herself after she gave birth.
啊哈 精神医生说
Aha! The psychiatrist said,
她水汪汪的大眼睛看着我 就像空荡荡的广♥告♥牌
her watery eyes looking at me like blank billboards.
那你呢 她问道
How about you? She asked.
你那些上吊自杀的幻象
Those fantasies of yours about hanging yourself,
你自己是怎么看的？
what do you think of them?
我觉得 那些只是幻想而已
Well, those are only fantasies.
我永远都不会自杀的
I would never commit suicide.
为什么不呢
And why not?
因为我在18岁的时候就尝试过一次了
Because I tried it once,when I was 18.
当时我就感觉到
It showed me that my body had
我的意志想要死去 但我的身体有着更强烈的生存意愿
a stronger will to live than my mind had the will to die.
当时你沮丧吗
Were you depressed?
完全没有
Not at all.
我只是思考了很多关于这一切的意义
I was just thinking a lot about what the meaning of all this is,
活着 学习 思考 感受
living, learning, thinking, feeling,
陷入爱情 失去爱情 生育孩子
falling in love, falling out of love, having children.
这些都会以死亡为终点 这一切到底有什么意义？
It all ends with death anyway. Is there any meaning in it at all?
我至今仍旧不知道答案
I still don’t know the answer.
她站起来 坚定地说
She stood up and said firmly:
我将对你实施自杀监视
I am putting you on suicide watch
等我找一辆车来
and you are going to the mental hospital
就立刻送你到精神病院去
the moment I find a car to take you there.
我却很奇怪地 感到如释重负
There was a strange relief
我不用再回到家里的那个牢笼中去了
that I didn’t have to go back to the cage that waited for me at home.
这是我逃离的机会 让自己恢复自♥由♥
This was my chance to escape, to make myself free again,
回到自己16岁时的状态
to return to the state when I was 16
没有责任 只有机会
and had no responsibilities, only opportunities.
但我所面临的是什么呢
But what was in front of me?
很少有人能神志健全地走出苏联的精神病院
Very few people walked out of Soviet mental hospitals mentally whole.
我知道的一些出色的年轻人
The few young, brilliant men I knew
为了逃避苏联征军 避免参加那场
who went into a mental hospital to avoid the draft into the Soviet Army,
等同于死亡的阿富汗战争 而住进了精神病院
which at that time meant certain death in the Afghanistan war,
他们都不再出色 甚至失去了神智
were never as brilliant again, or even coherent.
当我走向外面的车子时 我看到了大厅里的一面镜子
On my way out to the car I glanced at the mirror in the hall.
镜子里的不是我 而是米兰达的脸
Instead of me I saw Miranda’s face.
你不会有事的 她说
You’ll be all right. She said.
他们会强迫你吃很多药
They’ll force you to take all the pills,
但如果你喝足够多的水 那些药就不会伤害到你了
but the pills won’t harm you if you drink a lot of water.
我怎么会成这样了呢
How did this happen to me?
你想逃跑 这是你最后的机会 你要抓牢
You wanted to run away. This is your chance. Take it.
但这样太懦弱了 我做出了选择 就必须要坚持到底啊
But that’s cowardly. I made choices. I have to stick to them!
你所坚持的选择 会将你送进坟墓的
The choices you stick to will make you dead.
一只被陷进夹住了脚的狐狸 是怎么逃脱的呢
How does a fox get out of a trap that snapped her ankle?
她咬断自己的腿才能逃离
She gnaws her leg off to run free.
去了精神病院之后 我和这个男人离婚了
After the mental hospital I divorced the man,
这是一件很艰难的事 因为在我这个大家族里没人离过婚
which was quite hard, because no one divorces in my extended family.
有人分居 有人威胁要离开对方
There are separations, threats of leaving one’s spouse,
可能有情妇 有情人 但从没有人离过婚
maybe mistresses and lovers but never a divorce.
噢 她给家族带来了耻辱 亲戚们都说