仅仅掀翻了一张象征性的乒乓桌
overturned only one symbolic pingpong table,
又因精神紧张暂且罢手
resting briefly in catatonia,
多年以后卷土重来头发光秃一无所有
returning years later truly bald except for a wig of blood,
只有血红的假发 泪水和手指
and tears and fingers,
回到东部疯城疯人
to the visible madman doom of the wards
承受疯人注定了的厄运折磨
of the madtowns of the East,
州立朝圣者医院
Pilgrim State’s
罗克兰疯人院以及格雷斯通医院恶浊的大厅
Rockland’s and Greystone’s foetid halls…
我的母亲娜欧美
My mother Naomi was…
从我六岁起
in and out of mental institutions
就一直出入精神病院
from the time I was 6.
我21岁时
When I was 21,
不得已为她签下额叶切除术同意书
I had to sign the papers for her lobotomy.
她在死在州立朝圣者医院
She died at Pilgrim State Hospital.
灵魂在此交锋格斗 回响不绝
…bickering with the echoes of the soul,
在夜半孤独的长凳上
rocking and rolling in the midnight
史前墓石般爱的王国里摇摆旋转扭动
solitude bench domen realms of love,
人生万事恰如恶梦
dream of life a nightmare,
肉体如月球般沉重
bodies turned to stone as heavy as the moon,
最后跟母亲
with mother
通奸
finally fucked,
把最后一本天书扔出窗外
and the last fantastic book
最后一扇门在凌晨4点关上
flung out of the tenement window,
把最后一部电♥话♥摔到墙上作为应答
and the last door closed at 4 am
最后一间布置好的房♥间被清理一空
and the last telephone slammed at the wall in reply
只留下最后一件精神家具
and the last furnished room emptied down to the last piece
衣柜里一朵黄纸玫瑰
of mental furniture,
束在钢丝衣钩上扭作一团
a yellow paper rose twisted on a wire hanger in the closet,
就连这点想象
and even that imaginary,
也仅是怀带期望的幻觉已矣
nothing but a hopeful little bit of hallucination
啊 卡尔
Ah, Carl,
你不安时
while you are not safe
我也同样不安
I am not safe,
可你如今真掉入了时世万物的肉汤里
and now you’re really in the total animal soup of time…
从精神病院出来后
After I got out of the mental hospital,
我曾恐惧过一段时间
I had a period of fear where…
我觉得我该离开纽约
I felt I had to get out of New york.
社会强加给我的感觉跟我个人的
I was questioning my sense of reality versus the
现实感相互对立 令我很矛盾
social sense that was being imposed on me.
当时的处境是
It was a position that…
很多从医院里出来的人
Many people in the hospital came out with, you know,
都会自暴自弃
a total self rejection,
质疑自己的世界观
a rejection of, you know, their own universe.
应酬话 实际上
Lip service, actually, to…
是一种普遍的社交模式
supposedly acceptable social patterns.
我一次次的坠入爱河
But I was falling in love over and over again,
我为我的爱人们
and I kept writing my poetry about
不停的写诗
the people I was falling in love with.
都是性向正常的男人
all straight men.
我从丹佛和朋友尼奥·卡沙迪
And I hitchhiked cross country
搭便车游遍全国
from Denver with my friend, Neal Cassady.
尼奥行事出格
And Neal was very frenetic,
也很有魅力
very charming,
他交往的女孩遍布全国
and he had six thousand
六千个女友 够他忙的
girls across the continent that were keeping him very busy.
好 不是这样
Ok… um… No. Um…
亲一个
Kiss!
等等 你嘴唇有脏东西
Wait, wait, you have something…
我帮你
I’ll get that.
好点了吗
Better? Yeah.
-照好了吗 -照好了
– Get it? – Yeah, I got it.
有一次 凌晨4点 尼奥和我在一张床上
One day, Neal and I were thrown together in bed, at 4 am.
当时…
By circumstance…
没别的地方待 也没别的位置可以睡
with no place else to go and no place else to sleep.
我记得当时有点害怕
And I remember being a little scared,
不知道该怎么做
and not quite sure what to do, so…
我不断翻身
I sort of like turned over and
绷紧身子睡在床边上
stiffened my body and got on the edge of the bed.
他知道我很害羞
And he saw that I was shy.
当时我还是有点害怕
At the time I was still…
去用心感受另一个人
scared of feeling with another person.
所以他把我拉过来
So he put his arm around me,
用手臂环抱住我
and pulled me, and
把我的头放在他胸口
put my head on his breast,
用爱抚慰了我
and gave me love, actually.
之后有一天 我还是收到了分手信
And then one day, I got a letter
他说
saying, finally,
“我们不该做情人
“We shouldn’t consider ourselves lovers…
我疏远了我妻子
I’m distracted with the wife,
我仍然爱你”
as much as I love you.”
我的心伤透了
So my heart was broken.
亲爱的艾伦
“Dear Allen,
你说出的话其实正是我毕生
What you say is honestly what I’ve been doing
所追寻的东西
or striving for all my life.
我们之间那种
Therein lies our,
或说令我困扰的是彼此间的亲近
or my confused sense of closeness.
我还害怕会束缚彼此的力量
Also I fear therein lies our strength of tie to each other.
我说’害怕’
I say, ‘I fear,’
是因为我真的不知道
for I really don’t know
对你的爱能否让我满足
how much I can be satisfied to love you.
我指”身体上”的满足
I mean ‘bodily.’
遇到你之前 我并不爱那些鸡♥巴♥男人
You know, I sometimes dislike pricks and men and before you
他们故意强迫我屈服
had consciously forced myself to be homosexual.
你对我来说真的很重要
You meant so much to me.
现在 我觉得我也把私欲强加在你身上
I now feel I was forcing a desire for you bodily
作为你曾给予我的
as a compensation to you
一切的补偿
for all you were giving me.
艾伦 这些话是真的
Allen, this is straight.
我真心希望能和你待在一起
What I truly want is to live with you
从9月到来年6月
from September to June,
同租公♥寓♥ 交女朋友 一起上大学
have an apartment, a girl, go to college,
一起经历 一起感受
see all and do all,
变成普通直男 求你了 艾伦
and become truly straight, so please, Allen,
我希望你能好好想想”
give this a good deal of thought.”
他们驱车七十二小时横穿大♥陆♥
Who drove cross country 72 hours to find out if I had a vision
只为知道
or you had a vision
是我 你 还是他找到了永恒的幻象
or he had a vision to find out Eternity,
他们旅行到丹佛
who journeyed to Denver,
他们死在丹佛
who died in Denver,
他们回到丹佛徒劳地等待
who came back to Denver and waited in vain,
他们守望着丹佛 沉思而孤单
who watched over Denver and brooded and loned in Denver
最后离去寻找时光
and finally went away to find out the Time,
如今丹佛思念它的英雄 倍感孤独
and now Denver is lonesome for her heroes,
他们跪倒在绝望的教堂
who fell on their knees in hopeless cathedrais
为彼此的解脱祈祷 为光明和心胸祈祷
praying for each other’s salvation and light and breasts,
直到灵魂被感召
until the soul illuminated its hair for a second,
他们花言巧语诱使百万姑娘
who sweetened the snatches of a million girls
因欢情而颤抖在落日时分
trembling in the sunset,
清晨时双眼通红 却仍准备
and were red eyed in the morning but prepared
攫住日出片刻美景 及那躲藏在仓库里
to sweeten the snatch of the sunrise,
闪动的屁♥股♥ 和湖中赤♥裸♥的身影
flashing buttocks under barns and naked in the lake,
他们浪荡于科罗拉多
who went out whoring
开着无数夜色中偷来的车嫖宿娼妓
through Colorado in myriad stolen night cars,
尼奥·卡沙迪 诗篇中秘而不宣的英雄
Neal Cassady, secret hero of these poems,
这位丹佛的雄鸡和阿多尼斯[希腊神话 美男子]
cocksman and Adonis of Denver,
回忆他的往事令人欣喜
joy to the memory of his innumerable lays of girls
他与无数姑娘在空地偷♥情♥
in empty lots
在餐车后院交欢
and diner backyards,
在影院摇晃歪斜的座椅上 在山顶的山洞里
Moviehouses’rickety rows, on mountaintops in caves
或者在熟悉的公路旁
or with gaunt waitresses in familiar roadside