路易·C·K 二〇一七（2017）

打灯吧
Go ahead and do the lights.
开始吧
Go ahead.
女士们先生们 有请Louis C.K
Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K.
大家好
Hello.
谢谢
Thank you.
非常感谢
Thank you very much.
谢谢大家
Thank you.
呃
Um…
我认为堕胎是 呃
So, you know, I think abortion is, um… –
我
I…
我是这么认为的
Here’s what I think.
这是我的 这是我的看法
Here’s what I. This is what I think.
这是我的看法 我
Here’s what I think. I–
我认为你不应该堕胎
I think you should not get an abortion
除非你真的需要堕胎
unless you need one.
如果真的需要 如果真的 你最好把胎堕了
In which case– In which case, you’d better get one.
说真的
I mean, seriously.
如果你需要堕胎 你最好把胎堕了
If you need an abortion, you’d better get one.
别不当回事
Don’t fuck around.
而且要赶紧堕
And hurry.
应该堕胎却没堕就跟憋着屎不拉一样
Not getting an abortion that you need is like not taking a shit.
就是这么糟糕
That’s how bad that is.
就跟憋着屎不拉一样
It’s like not taking a shit.
我就是这么认为的
That’s what I think.
我认为堕胎和拉屎是一回事儿
I think abortion is exactly like taking a shit.
我认为它和拉屎百分之百是一回事儿
I think it is 100% the exact same thing as taking a shit.
或者不是
Or it isn’t.
是 或者不是
It is, or it isn’t.
它要么就是拉屎 要么就是杀死一个婴儿
It’s either taking a shit, or it’s killing a baby.
只有这两种可能
It’s only one of those two things.
没其他的了
It’s no other things.
所以如果你不认为堕胎跟拉屎是一回事儿
So if you didn’t like hearing it’s like taking a shit,
那你就认为堕胎是杀死婴儿了
you think it’s killing a baby.
这是你唯一的选项了
That’s the only other one you get to have.
也就是说你应该在人流医院门口
Which means you should be holding a sign
举着反对堕胎的牌子
in front of the place.
人们不喜欢抗♥议♥堕胎的人
People hate abortion protesters.
说他们固执己见 思想僵化
They’re so shrill and awful.
可他们认为婴儿正在被谋杀
They think babies are being murdered.
那他们应该怎么办 “呃 这么做不太合适吧”
What are they supposed to be like? “Uh, that’s not cool.”
我不想为难人家
I don’t wanna be a dick about it, though.
我不想坏了他们的心情
I don’t want to ruin their day
他们天天都杀好几个婴儿挺不容易的
as they murder several babies all the time.
我不认为堕胎就是杀婴儿 我不这么认为
I don’t think it’s killing a baby. I don’t.
我是说 有那么一点相像
I mean, it is, it’s a little bit–
有点像是杀婴儿 有点像
It’s a little bit killing a baby. It’s a little bit…
百分之百就是杀婴儿 堕胎完全就是在杀婴儿
It’s 100% killing a baby. It’s totally killing a whole baby.
但是我觉得女性应该有权利杀死婴儿
But I think that women should be allowed to kill babies.
这就是我的看法
That’s what I think.
她们应该有权利杀死婴儿
They should be allowed to kill babies.
对
Yeah.
哇呜
Whoo!
我们可以杀婴儿
We get to kill babies!
我们喝点儿酒然后杀杀婴儿吧
Let’s do some shots and kill some babies.
我昨晚杀了四个婴儿 简直特么了
I killed like four babies last night. It was fucking retarded.
我觉得只有这两种选项
I just think it has to be one or the other.
你知道 当有人说
You know, like, when people say,
堕胎应该是合法的 安全的 而且少见的
abortion should be legal, safe and rare.
都合法了为什么还要少见
Why rare if it should be legal?
如果是合法的 堕胎就和拉屎一样
If it should be legal, it’s– It’s shitting.
如果是少见的 那堕胎就是谋杀婴儿
If it should be rare, it’s murdering babies.
但是 再次强调 女人有权利这么做 因为
But, again, women should be allowed because…
两个原因 为什么女人可以杀婴儿
Two reasons I think women should be allowed to kill babies.
第一 我认为生命没那么重要
Number one, I don’t think life is that important.
它就是不
It’s just not.
不重要
It is not.
人们一提生命
People get too excited…
就激动 “噢 生命啊”
about life. “Oh, life.”
去你♥妈♥的♥ 它可没那么
Fuck you. It’s not that–
所有的坏事儿 都只会出现在生命里
Make a list of every shitty thing ever, that’s in life.
生命还凑合 我喜欢生命
Life is okay. I like life.
我喜欢它 但我不需要它
I like it. I don’t need it.
没它我也行
I’d be fine without it.
但我还是挺喜欢生命的 真的
I like life, though. I do.
你知道我有多珍爱生命吗
You know how much I like life?
我从没自杀过
I have never killed myself.
这就是我热爱生命的程度
That’s how much I like it.
爱到跟自杀只有一个刀片的距离
That’s exactly how much I like it, with a razor-thin margin.
刚刚好不会自杀
I like it precisely enough to not kill myself.
自杀也是个选项 非常正经的选项
It’s an option, though. It’s totally an option.
你想啊 我49了 有俩孩子
I mean, I’m 49. I have two kids.
预防自杀的小手册我还是翻过几遍的
I’ve flipped through the brochure a few times.
我有时候想自杀 单纯为了吵架能吵赢
I’ve thought of killing myself just to win an argument.
你不能谈论自杀的事 连跟你心理医生说也不行
You are not supposed to talk about suicide, even to your shrink.
你去看心理医生的时候 他们会问
You ever go to a shrink and they’re like,
“你有没有过 自杀的念头”
“Have you had thoughts… of suicide?”
你说 “没有 因为如果我说有的话
And you’re like, “No, because if I say yes,
你就会按下按钮
you’ll press a button,
然后一群人就会跑过来把我按住”
and folks will run in and hold me–
“按住他”
“Hold him down!”
但是人们应该可以谈论自杀
You should be able to talk about it.
整个世界都是由
The whole world is just made of
今天没自杀的人组成的
people who didn’t kill themselves today.
包括来看演出的各位
That’s who’s here.
是由我们这些
It’s all of us that went,
“好吧 去他妈的 再坚持活着吧” 的人组成的
“Okay, fuck it, keep doing it.”
生活
It’s…
生活有一点很有趣
It’s an interesting thing about life.
生活可以很艰难 很悲伤 很沮丧
Life can get very difficult, very sad, very upsetting.
但是你不用非得坚持 你真的不必坚持
But you don’t have to do it. You really don’t have to do it.
你不用做任何事
You don’t have to do anything.
你可以永远什么都不做 因为你可以把自己杀了
You never have to do anything because you can kill yourself.
如果你收到了车管所的通知信 说你得去干啥干啥
If they send you a letter from Motor Vehicles, you have to come in and:
“不 我不用去 我自杀”
“No, I don’t. I’ll kill myself.”
你可以这么做 虽然只能做一次
You can do that. You can do that once.
但是你可以这么做
But you can do it.
有趣的是即使生活很糟糕
It’s interesting because even when life gets bad,
人们还是选择活着
people generally choose it over nothing.
即使是那种最差的生活 那种屎一样的生活
Even the worst versions of life, even a shitty, shitty life,
也值得过下去 至少看起来是这样的
is worth living, apparently.
因为很多人就是这么活的
‘Cause folks are living the fuck out of them.
你有没有见过那种
Have you ever seen somebody,
你觉得”他应该自杀算了”
you’re like, “He should kill himself.
他为啥不 那家伙
Why did he not… that dude…”
比如你开车的时候
You ever been driving
看了眼旁边的车 然后你就觉得 “呃 我♥操♥
and you look in the next car, you’re like, “Ugh, shit.
我就不该多看那么一眼
I wish I hadn’t looked in that car.
那车看着就辣眼睛
That was difficult to glance at…
更不要说开了”
let alone being it.”
就是一个男的开着
Just a guy in a…
开着一辆褐色的车
In a tan car.
没人会选褐色
Nobody chooses tan.
没人买♥♥车会挑褐色
Nobody picks tan for their car.
都是卖♥♥♥车♥的直接给你的
They give you tan.
“这是我的车吗” “对 就是你这个屌♥丝的 褐色的”
“Is that mine?” “Yeah, it’s yours, fucking loser. Made it tan.”
他们就不应该生产褐色的车 太不人道了
They shouldn’t even make tan cars. It’s mean to make them.
你望过去 看到一个人坐在一辆满是凹痕的褐色车里
You look over, you see a guy in a tan car with dents all over it
挂着个垃圾袋儿当窗户使
and a garbage bag for a window.
他为什么还不自杀
What is holding up his suicide?
他在犹豫些啥
What is delaying it?