路易·C·K 二〇一七（2017）

是真的
It’s true.
我在脸书上找我过去认识的人 发现他变成女人了
I was looking up on Facebook people from my past, and he’s a woman.
她在脸书上有一整个关于变成女人的博客
And she has a whole blog on Facebook about becoming a woman.
我看了一整夜 我都哭了 太不可思议了
I was up all night reading it. I was crying. It was amazing.
我想”这简直难以置信”
I was like, “This is incredible.”
在博客最后有她一张照片 留着长发
And then at the end, there’s a picture of her with hair.
她说”我没有改变 我一直知道我是谁”
And she says, “I didn’t change. I knew what I was all along.
“当我6岁的时候我就知道我是个女孩儿”
I knew I was a girl since I was 6 years old.”
看到这一句 我就想
And I read that, and I thought,
“那你♥他♥妈♥当时为什么抢我的女伴
“Why did you take my fucking date then?
你一直知道 你个人♥渣♥ 操♥你♥妈♥ Jeff
You knew? You piece of shit! Fuck you, Jeff!
去你♥妈♥的♥变性历程 我他妈才不在乎
Fuck you and your journey. I don’t give a shit now.
变性人万岁 但操♥你♥妈♥
Hooray for transgender, but fuck you,
因为你就是个混♥蛋♥
because you’re just an asshole.
然后变成了婊♥子♥ 就是这样”
Who became a cunt. That’s what happened.”
我羡慕变性人 真的
I envy transgender people, though. I do.
这是条艰难的道路 但我羡慕他们的是
It’s a tough road, but I envy them on this level
他们搞清楚了自己的问题
that they figured out what’s going on with them,
然后把问题解决了
and they fixed it.
这是多么了不起的天赋啊
What an amazing gift,
知道自己到底他妈出了什么问题
to know what the fuck is wrong with you.
其他人谁有这种天赋
Who else gets to have that?
都是迷迷糊糊的”我他妈一点主意都没有”
It’s just a mushy, I don’t fucking have any idea!
我愿意花一百万美元来搞清楚
I would give a million dollars to just wake up,
“哦 我是只猫头鹰 原来是这样
“Oh, I’m an owl. That’s what the thing is.
我只需要眨眼的时候慢一点
I’ve just got to blink slow
然后再吃个老鼠”
and eat a mouse.”
因为人生很迷惑
‘Cause life is very confusing.
即使我已经49岁了
Even I’m 49 years old,
我也还没找到自己的身份定位
and I haven’t found a cruising altitude to my identity.
我仍然很他妈的迷茫
I’m still fucking confused.
我有一些新感受 它们让我不开心 我不喜欢新感受
I realize I get new feelings, and they upset me. I don’t like new feelings.
我想知道我喜欢什么然后得到它然后去死
I want to know what I like and get it and just die.
现在这就是我想做的
That’s what I want to do at this point.
我和一部电视时不时放的电影
Like I have a weird relationship
有一种奇怪的关系
with this movie that’s on cable sometimes.
它叫<魔力麦克> 你们看过吗 <魔力麦克>
It’s called Magic Mike. You ever seen this movie? Magic Mike.
那些许多年后从录像上观看这段脱口秀的观众们
For those of you who are watching this on video many years from now,
<魔力麦克>是一部关于脱衣舞男的电影
Magic Mike was a movie about male strippers
由马修·麦康纳和查宁·塔图姆主演
starring Matthew McConaughey and Channing Tatum.
拍这电影的时候的美国大不一样
It was a very different country when it was made
不论你在未来什么时候看
from whenever you’re watching.
但总而言之
But anyway…
我们要说的是别的
We had a whole other thing going on.
这个剧院到时候都不在了
This building’s not here anymore.
但是
But…
你在一个满是雪花的电视上看 四周一片废墟
You’re watching it on a dusty thing, and it’s all rubble.
你在看这个专场
And you’re watching this.
我不知道你为什么要挑这个来看
I don’t know why you’re watching this out of everything.
但当生活很轻松的时候
But when things were real easy,
我们就拍像<魔力麦克>这样的电影
we made movies like Magic Mike.
一部关于男人的电影 脱衣舞男
It’s just a nice movie about men who strip.
每当我换台换到它时 我就停下
And every time I’m flipping around and it comes on, I always stop.
然后我就和这电影玩胆小鬼游戏
And then I play a little game of chicken with this movie.
我不换台 因为这是部好电影 制♥作♥精良
I stop because it’s a good movie. It’s well made,
由斯蒂文·索德伯格执导 好导演
directed by Steven Soderbergh, good director.
于是我就入戏了 沉浸到这个故事里
And so I get into it, I get into the story,
然后他们就开始跳脱衣舞了
and then they start stripping.
之后我就涌上各种感觉
And then I start having all these feelings.
我的脸有点发烫
My face gets a little hot.
起初我毫无来由地就冒出敌意
At first, I just get hostile for no reason.
特别不屑
I just fucking fucking
不过这电影有一个我特别喜欢的场景
But then there’s one part of the movie that I like.
<魔力麦克>里有我最爱的一个片段
I have a favorite part… of Magic Mike,
所以我总是等着看那一段
so, I always stick around for that part.
就是马修·麦康纳
It’s the part where Matthew McConaughey,
穿着皮裤光着上身
he’s wearing leather pants, no shirt.
然后他说
And he goes,
“法律说你们不能摸
“The law says you cannot touch.
但我看见这里有很多不法之徒”
But I think I see a lot of lawbreakers out there.”
就 就像是
Like, just that…
完美
It’s, like, perfect.
就是他说话的那个调子
Just the way it rolls out of him.
“我看见这里有很多不法之徒”
“I think I see a lot of lawbreakers out there.”
我真的很喜欢那一段
I just really like that.
超爱的
I like it.
每次播这部电影的时候 我就会
When the movie comes on, I’m always like,
“等着看到他说台词的那一段吧”
“Let’s get to where he says that.”
然后他就说了 我就感叹
And then he says it, and I’m like,
“太特么厉害了 真的屌♥爆了”
“Fucking good, that’s really good.”
我超喜欢那一段
I like it a lot.
我喜欢到这种程度 我一般不做模仿
Here’s how much I like it. I don’t do impressions,
但我几乎秒杀了那段模仿
and I kind of nail that one
因为我脑子里经常想着这段话
because I think about it all the time.
我在家里走来走去 嘴里就念叨
I’m walking around my house, like,
“法律说你们不能摸
“The law says you can’t touch.
法律说你们不能摸”
The law says you can’t touch.”
然后我走到狗旁边
Then I go up to my dog,
“但我看见这里有很多不法之徒”
“But I think I see a lot of lawbreakers right here.”
我喜欢那部分
I like that part.
他说完之后 所有的脱衣舞男都涌了进来
After he says it, all these strippers come in.
马修·麦康纳和所有的脱衣舞男们
Matthew McConaughey and all these strippers.
查宁·塔图姆冲到前面 旋转跳跃闭着眼
Channing Tatum comes out, fucking…
然后我就”操” 接着我就不得不关了
And then I go, like, “Fuck!” And then I have to stop.
因为我开始有种感觉
I’m starting to get a feeling.
我开始有种感觉
I’m starting to get, like, a feeling.
不是硬了啊
It’s not a boner.
不是硬了
It’s not a boner.
但我感到我的老二抬起了头
But I can feel my dick starting to turn over a little bit.
就开始
Just starting to…
你知道当你的老二开始”舒展筋骨”的时候
You know when you can feel your dick kind of unfold?
它就像是被充了一会儿气的泳池玩具
It’s like a pool toy that’s been blowing up for a while.
褶皱的地方都舒展开来 开始能看出形状了
The wrinkles are starting to come out. It’s taking shape.
像是一大早
Just that early…
我的老二就醒了
My dick’s just waking up.
你们干啥呢
What are you guys doing here?
我从没完整地看完这部电影
I’ve never watched the whole movie.
我从没看过完整的<魔力麦克>
I’ve never seen Magic Mike in its entirety.
因为我不想看完
Because I don’t wanna see it.
我不想看到<魔力麦克>的结局
I don’t wanna see the end of Magic Mike.
我知道结局是什么
I know what the end of Magic Mike is.
我基本肯定 <魔力麦克>的结局就是
I’m pretty sure that the end of Magic Mike
我是同性恋
is that I’m gay.
我很肯定那就是结局
I’m pretty sure that’s how it ends.
我不想看结局 我想保持现状
I don’t want to see the ending. I want to stay like this.
知道为什么吗 因为老子49岁了
You know why? ‘Cause I’m 49 years old.
我才不想这把年纪了才加入到同性恋大军里去
I don’t want to enter the gay community now.
这个版本的我是没法纵情享乐的
This is not the version of me that’s gonna have an awesome time
作为一个新基佬
as the new gay guy.
所以 去他妈的吧
So, fuck that.
顺便说一句 这是我的权利
And that’s my right, by the way.
因为这事儿关乎到我自身
Because that’s about me.
那是我的人生
That is my life.
我永远不会因为别人是同性恋而歧视人家
I’d never discriminate against another person for being gay.
我想都不会去想的 但我有权压制
I wouldn’t dream of it. But I have every right to oppress
和鄙视我潜在萌芽的同性倾向
and discriminate against my own possible budding homosexuality.
强烈抑制这个苗头是我的权利
That’s mine to just violently push down.
这样好像我在让某位老兄给我吹♥箫♥
Like it’s a dude I’m trying to make blow me right now.
总体说来 我还没有被男人吸引过
And you know, I haven’t become, like, generally attracted to men.
男人对我来说没有性吸引力
I’m not sexually attracted to men.