疯狂愚蠢的爱

你是性感与可爱的完美结合
the perfect combination of sexy and cute…
我原来经常对我妻子说这话
which is actually something that I used to say to my wife.
但现在这句话被玷污了
But now it’s become corrupted.
而我今天还穿了无数层衣服
And I have 18 layers of clothes on.
我穿了一件衬衫加领带
I’m wearing a shirt and a tie
还有一件毛衣和麂皮外套
and a sweater and a suede jacket…
将所有的热量牢牢封锁
that just seals in all the heat.
所有的汗也都牢牢封锁
Seals in all the juices.
我…里面都是汗
I’m just, it’s all sweat under here.
这里以下全都是汗
This is just sweat from here down.
我…这件毛衣是修身的
I’m… This sweater, this is called slim cut,
穿着就像潜水服一样
but it feels like a scuba suit.
而我现在在看你的胸部 你怎么看
And I’m looking at your breasts. What’s that about?
你觉得我是性感与可爱的完美结合
You think I’m the perfect combination of sexy and cute?
我刚说了那么多 你就听到了这句
That’s what you picked up from what I just said?
所以这就是我的小破公♥寓♥
So this is my crappy apartment. Oh. Ooh.
很破 我妻子离开之后我只能搬到这里
Dumpy. That I had to move into after my wife left me.
我太喜欢你这么实诚了
I love how you’re being so honest.
-你喜欢吗 -与众不同 太性感了
– You like that? – It’s so different. It’s so hot.
好的 好的
Okay. Okay.
-再来 -好的
– More. – Okay.
-想听更性感的吗 -嗯
– Wanna hear something else really hot? – Mm-hm.
我这辈子只和一个女人做过爱
I’ve only had sex with one woman. In my entire life.
-真话还是假话 -真话
– Honest or not honest? – That’s honest.
继续 告诉我更多
More! Tell me more.
我有点担心你会有艾滋病
I’m a little worried you have AIDS.
就一点 就一点点
Just a little. Just a little bit.
没关系 我不担心
It’s okay, I’m not worried.
我的天 这太有意思了
Oh, my God, this is so much fun.
你想对我做什么
What do you wanna do with me?
我想带你去我前妻面前炫耀 让她嫉妒死
I wanna show you off to my ex-wife and make her really jealous.
我的天
Whoa, man.
你会打电♥话♥给我吧
You gonna call me?
好的
Okay.
好
Yeah.
这裙子真不错 你在哪买♥♥的
Wow, that is a great dress. Where’d you get that?
谢谢 贝弗利山庄的一家店
Thank you. A store in Beverly Hills.
是吗 真好看
Really? Beautiful.
是我祖母送我的礼物
It was a gift from my grandmother.
-是吗 -是 是克鲁格金币
– Really? -Yeah. It’s a Krugerrand.
产自南非
It’s from South Africa.
我好喜欢
I love it.
我让他绝对不要多想
And I told him never to assume anything.
我还去过缅因州
And I’ve been to Maine,
这是第六个 我去过六个州
so that’s a sixth state. So I’ve been to six states.
-我很喜欢缅因州 -是 非常美
– Oh, I love Maine. – Oh, yeah, it’s beautiful.
-你去过沃特维尔吗 -去过
– Have you been to Waterville? – I have, yeah.
希腊 意大利
Greece, Italy.
希腊 意大利
Greece, Italy?
想离开这里吗
Wanna get out of here?
-你来开车 -好的
– You’re driving. – I am.
之前我这辈子都没经历过这些
I have never experienced that before in my life.
-很棒 -现在的女人都是这样吗
– Pretty great. – Are most women like that these days?
-天佑科技 -天佑科技
– God bless technology. – God bless it.
伙计 我有天晚上遇到了一个女孩
Dude, I went and met this girl the other night.
我们做的全程她都在质问我
She was like, heckling me the whole time we were…
我感觉我像和《大青蛙布偶秀》里的
I felt like I was, you know, doing it with the two old guys
两个老家伙在做一样
from The Muppet Show.
-斯塔特勒和沃道夫 -我本来很专注
– Statler and Waldorf. – I was like, into it, you know.
而她不停说着 “看你紧皱眉头 为什么
And she was like, “Look at this frown on your face. What is that?
你好严肃 怎么 亲吻我让你严肃吗
You’re so serious. What, it’s serious to kiss me?
本该充满乐趣的
It’s supposed to be fun.
我的天 要是这么难的话 你还是别做了”
Oh, my God, if it’s gonna be hard work, why don’t you just stop?”
喂
Hello?
上次在酒吧搭讪你的帅哥在这
Hey. Hot guy from the bar who hit on you is here.
丽兹 我在学习
Liz, I’m studying.
你应该学习他家卧室天花板是什么样的
You should be studying the ceiling of his bedroom.
你应该学习这个
That’s what you should be studying.
我在吃焦糖苹果
I am eating a caramel apple.
你活在哪个年代 宝贝 拜托转过去 不用
In what world, honey? Please, turn around. No.
拜托 休息一下 出来玩对你也好
Come on, take a break. It’ll be good for you to get out.
我说的出来玩
And by get out…
是指让酒吧里的帅哥
I mean have hot guy from the bar knock
带你去他的床上飘飘欲仙
you into his headboard until you see God.
你有什么毛病
What is wrong with you?
你应该学习他的身体曲线…
You should be studying the curve of his…
好了 再见 丽兹
Okay, goodbye, Liz.
我说太过了吗 喂
That too much? Hello?
我已经按你说的给了他古龙水
Look, I gave him the cologne like you told me to…
我们不应该再幸灾乐祸了
and I don’t think we should really just dance on his grave.
好吧 我只是觉得你想知道
Okay, I just thought you’d wanna know
我听到的关于你的老朋友卡尔的流言
what I heard about your old pal Cal.
韦弗先生怎么了 妈妈
What about Mr. Weaver, Mom?
显然
Just, apparently,
韦弗先生变成了一个花♥花♥公♥子♥
Mr. Weaver has become a real ladies’ man.
-什么 -克莱尔
– What? – Claire.
她应该知情 她为他的孩子做保姆
She should know. She babysits for him.
她快成年了
She’s almost an adult.
很多年轻女性进出他的公♥寓♥
Lots of young women in and out of his apartment.
克莱尔 她还小
Claire, she’s too young for this.
我不想在孩子们面前谈论XING
I don’t like this S-E-X talk in front of the K-I-D-S.
亲爱的 首先 他们会拼单词
Sweetheart, first of all, they can spell.
其次 我只是这么一说
Second of all, I’m just saying.
我觉得我们站在艾米丽这边是对的
I think we were right in choosing Emily.
你为什么跟踪我
Why are you following me?
麦迪逊 我有个问题问你
Madison, I just had a question for you.
好吧 杰西卡 什么问题
Okay, Jessica, what’s up?
有点私人
It’s kind of on the personal side.
好 我的嘴巴可是
Yep, my lips are:
很紧 我的嘴巴很紧
Seals. My lips are seals.
好吧
Okay. Um…
我的问题是 我不想太过直接
So my question, and I don’t mean to be blunt
或者冒犯 但我还是直说了
or insulting, but let’s just call it what it is.
你总和比你年纪大的人睡觉 对吧
You’re always sleeping with older guys, right?
没错
Always. Oh, um…
所以我想问的是 麦迪逊 你是怎么做到的
So my question for you, Madison, is, um, how do you do that?
你是怎么让他们
I mean, how do you get them to see you
不把你当做一个高中生
as not just a kid in high school, you know?
而是当做一个成熟 年纪大的…
But as someone that’s mature, and old, and that’s…
首先 我的波够大
Well, first off, I have a huge rack.
是的 没错
Uh, yes, you do.
而你的波不够大
You don’t have a huge rack.
没错
No.
-等等 他多大年纪 -很大
– Wait, how old is he? – Old.
很大吗
Like really old?
-差不多父母那么大 -够下流啊 杰西卡
– Like parent-old. – Nasty, Jessica.
是 因为我也是这么想的
Yeah, because that’s what I was thinking, right?
-可以啊 -谢谢
– Rock on. – Thank you.
-你真不乖啊 -我知道
– You are so dirty. – Yes, I know.
好吧 你得逼他乖乖就范
Oh, okay. You gotta force his hand.
你懂我的意思吧
You know what I mean?
对他狂轰滥炸
Go TMZ on his ass.
-没懂 -拍小黄图
– Not following. – A dirty picture.
做这种表情
Make this face:
-天呐 麦迪逊 快停下 -怎么了嘛
– Jeez, Madison. Stop. – What?
你只要对他用这招
You put that on his radar
他肯定就不会再把你当小女生看待了
and he won’t see you as a little girl anymore, that’s for sure.
-发生什么了 -不知道
– Hey, what’s going on? – Hey. We don’t know.
看哪
Behold.
杰西卡·赖利 你就是我的灵魂伴侣
Jessica Riley, you are my soul mate.