死侍

傻了吧
Gotcha.
正中菊花口
Right up main street.
三 二
Three, two!
冲动 值了
Stupid! Worth it.
今晚一定要撸一发
I’m touching myself tonight.
弗朗西斯
Francis!
弗朗西斯
Francis…
去他妈的小饼干
What the shit-biscuit!
你在哪 弗朗西斯
Where you at, Francis?
你不是弗朗西斯
You’re not Francis.
不是吧 大招是卷袖子
Really? Rolling up the sleeves?
你可能在想
You’re probably thinking,
我男友说这是超级英雄电影
“My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie.
怎么那个穿红色套装的男人
“But that guy in the red suit just turned
把另一个人穿成肉串了呢
“That other guy into a fucking kabab!”
虽然我可能超级 可我绝对不是英雄
Well, I may be super, but I’m no hero.
没错 严格来说这是谋杀
And yeah, technically, this is a murder.
可好多爱情故事 都是从谋杀开始的
But some of the best love stories start with a murder.
这部电影就是这样 是个爱情故事
And that’s exactly what this is, a love story.
要讲好这个故事
And to tell it right,
可就要从我把自己塞进这身红色紧身衣
I gotta take you back to long before
之前很久的时候说起
I squeezed this ass into red spandex.
我慢点说你能听懂吗
Look, would it help if I slow it down for you?
我没订披萨
I didn’t order the pizza.
这里是红岩路7348号♥吧 你是莫钱特先生吗
Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive? Are you Mr. Merchant?
对 但是莫钱特先生没他妈订披萨
Yeah, the Mr. Merchant who didn’t order the fucking pie!
那谁打的电♥话♥
Then who placed the call?
我打的
I did!
菠萝加橄榄
Pineapple and olive?
甜咸绝配
Sweet and salty.
你♥他♥妈♥是谁
The fuck are you?
你♥他♥妈♥在我家干嘛
The fuck you doing in my crib…
是烤焦了吗
Is it burnt crust?
天啊 希望没有
I… God, I hope not.
哥们 如果这是因为牌局
Man, look, if this is about that poker game.
我跟华仔说了 我说…
I told Howie, I told him that…
就是说 想要什么都拿去
Okay, uh, look, just take whatever you want.
谢谢
Thanks.
先生 在你对他动手之前
Sir, before you do anything to him,
能先给我拿点丰厚的小费吗
do you mind if I get a big tip?
杰里米 是不是
Uh, Jeremy, is it?
我是韦德·威尔逊
Wade. Wade Wilson.
小费这事没门 小杰
That is a no go on the tiperoo, Jer.
我不是来找他的
I’m not here for him.
我是来找你的
I’m here for you.
差点白挨了颗子弹
Okay, wow, dodged a big-time bullet on that one.
你的事还没完呢
Not out of the woods yet.
以后衣服上少整那么多亮晶晶的
You need to seriously ease up on the bedazzling.
那是牛仔裤 又不是吊灯
They’re jeans, not a chandelier.
另外钱包我拿走了 反正是你给我的
P.S. I’m keeping your wallet. You did kinda give it to me.
可以 可是能不能把山姆会员卡…
Okay, just look, man, can I have my Sam’s card…
别逼我打死你家猫
I will shoot your fucking cat!
我不懂你那是啥意思 我没养猫
I don’t really know what that means. I don’t have a cat.
那我刚刚在谁的猫砂上拉的屎
Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in?
总之 告诉我
Anyhoo, tell me something…
哪种情况是一顿披萨搞不定的
what situation isn’t improved by pizza?
你不会恰巧认识梅根·奥夫斯基吧
Do you happen to know a Meghan Orflosky?
发音对吗 奥夫斯基
Getting that right? Orflosky?
欧武斯基 对了 好的
Orlovsky? Yeah? Good.
因为她认识你
Because she knows you.
杰里米 我们有一帮人
Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys
干的就是收人钱财替人打人的活
who take a dime to beat a fella down.
可小梅根没那么多钱
And little Meghan, she’s not made of money,
但她走运
but lucky for her,
我比较心软
I got a soft spot.
-我是… -跟踪狂
– But I’m a… – A stalker.
威胁让人痛苦 小杰
Threats hurt, Jer.
可远没有刀子割的疼
Though not nearly as badly as serrated steel.
所以离梅根远点
So keep away from Meghan.
说好了
Cool?
说好了 先生
Yes, sir.
那就这样了
Then we’re done.
等等 就这样了
Wait. We are?
对啊 当然了
Yeah. We’re totally done.
瞧你那个表情
You should’ve seen your face.
我惊慌失措 太害怕了
I didn’t know what to do. I was so scared.
心慈手软 记得吗
Soft spot, remember?
如果你的眼珠子再敢往她那看一眼
You even look in her general direction again,
我就让你知道我硬起来
and you will learn in the worst of ways
到底是有多恐怖
that I have some hard spots too.
听起来有点不对劲
That came out wrong.
或者也没说错
Or did it?
梅根
Meghan?
那是杰里米的遗言 他说对不起
You’ve heard the last of Jeremy. He’s sorry.
不敢相信
No friggin’ way.
应该带旱冰鞋来
Should’ve brought my roller blades.
让小家伙看看到底怎么玩
Show these kids how it’s done.
这就是最好的回报了 其实主要为了钱
Oh. And that’s why we do it. But mostly the money.
你能去搞我继父吗
Hey, think you could fuck up my step-dad?
我之所以把人揍到扑街
I give a guy a pavement facial,
是因为他罪有应得
it’s because he’s earned it.
等等
Hey, wait!
你是我的英雄
You’re my hero.
别别别 别把那词用我身上
No-no-no-no. That I ain’t!
不是 以后也不会是
Nope. Never will be.
去你的 韦德
Oh. Fuck you, Wade.
我只是个坏人 收钱去揍更坏的人
I’m just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck up worse guys.
欢迎来到玛格丽特修女酒吧
Welcome to Sister Margaret’s.
这里是雇佣兵们的招聘会
It’s like a job fair for mercenaries.
我们像是不怎么样的牙仙
Think of us as really fucked up tooth fairies,
把牙打掉 钱也拿走
except we knock out the teeth and take the cash.
你最好求神拜佛金卡上别出现自己的名字
You’d best hope we never see your name on a gold card.
巴克 李飞德
Buck! Liefeld.
韦德
Hey, Wade!
韦德·威尔逊 弱者的守护神
Wade Wilson, patron saint of the pitiful.
有什么能为你效劳的
What can I do for you?
给我来个”口♥活♥”
I’d love a Blow Job.
天啊 我也想
Oh, God, me too.
我说的是酒 紧身裤男
The drink, moose knuckle.
但首先…
But first…
照看孩子的钱我可不收
Hey, and I ain’t taking any babysitting money, all right?
把钱还给那个…
Make sure that gets back to Ms…
欧武斯基
Orlovsky.
对 就是她
Yeah, her.
你确定
You sure?
作为一名雇佣兵 你还真是热心肠
You know, for a merc, you’re pretty warm-blooded.
我猜你对那孩子也没下狠手
I bet you let the kid off easy, too.
黄鼠狼 他不是什么坏孩子
Oh, he’s not a bad kid, Weas.
就是有点跟踪狂
Just a little light stalking.
我在他那岁数的时候 比他严重多了
I was way worse than him when I was his age.
我去充满异国风情的地方旅游
I was traveling to exotic places,
巴格达 摩加迪沙 杰克逊维尔
Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville,
遇见令人激动的新面孔 然后…
meeting new and exciting people. And then…
杀掉他们 我看过你的图片分享
Killing them. Yeah, I’ve seen your Instagram.
特警部队在杰克逊维尔干什么
So what was Special Forces doing in Jacksonville, anyway?
那是机密
That’s classified.
他们的星期五餐厅超级棒
They have a wonderful TGI Fridays.
甘露咖啡酒 百利甜酒和打发奶油
All right, Kahlua, Baileys and whipped cream.
我给你做一杯”口♥活♥”
I give you a Blow Job.
为什么让我做这个
Why do you make me make that?