天生冤家（1998）

What happened here?
你们把发生这样的事情叫什么？这是行李处理不当
What do you call this? This is mishandling of luggage!
这是联邦罪行 你看到了么？
It’s a federal misdemeanour. Did you see this?
奥斯卡？
Oscar?
费利克斯？
Felix?
奥斯卡！
Oscar!
费利克斯！
Felix!
当心！
Look out!
我们甚至还没说声“hello”我就摔断了腿
We haven’t even said hello and I’ve got a broken leg.
这只是扭伤 “hello” 费利克斯
It’s just a sprain. Hello, Felix.
– 地面有坎儿的时候提前告诉我 – 好的 这有个坎儿
– Let me know when you gonna hit a bump. – OK, that was a bump.
我们走吧 拿上我们的东西
Here we go, we’re all set.
也许我们应该停下来 在什么地方弄根拐杖
Maybe we could stop and get a pair of crutches some place.
我会一直睁大双眼找拐杖店的
I’ll keep my eye open for a crutch store.
我确信高速路边有好多拐杖店
I’m sure there’s a lot of them on the freeway.
架着我 单脚跳到那台车
Hold on to me and let’s hop over to the car.
就在这儿 马上就到了
That’s it. Now you’ve got it.
弯腰滑入座位 你明白我的意思么？
Bend down and slide into the seat. You know what I mean?
– 觉得疼就告诉我 – 我觉得疼
– Tell me when it hurts. – That hurts.
我有个好办法
I’ve got a good idea.
疼的时候别告诉我 这样“疼”就不在了
Don’t tell me when it hurts, it’s gonna hurt anyway.
当我喊道“三” 我们就一起来个大动作 一 二 三！
When I count to three, we’ll do it all in one big move. One, two, three!
– 哦 天哪 – 我更喜欢你喊“我疼哪”
– Oh, God! – I like ‘”it hurts'” better.
我在机器里弄了点冰给你 能帮着你消肿
Got you some ice from the machine. It’ll keep the swelling down.
我需要什么能装冰的东西
I need something to put the ice in.
把它放你袜子里！你以为我是谁 骨科医生？
Put it in your sock! What am I, an orthopaedic?
– 脚觉得好点了么？ – 像块冻肉
– Foot feeling any better? – It’s a piece of frozen meat.
把它放窗外就会暖和过来
Hang it out the window, it’s warm out.
我很饿 从昨晚我就没吃饭
I’m starving. I haven’t eaten since last night.
– 没有飞机餐么？ – 不是 因为我的鱼飞去东边了
– Didn’t they serve on the plane? – No, my fish was flying east.
这是我飞机上送的坚果 你先垫点
Here’s my complimentary nuts. Go ahead.
要是你的牙还保持这么打战的话 你三分钟就能解决掉这个黄油花生
If your teeth keep chattering, you’ll have peanut butter in three minutes.
你知道这个花生的脂肪含量么？
Do you know what the fat content of nuts is?
更不要说它的含盐量
Not to mention the salt content.
我可不想在婚礼上心脏病发作
I could have a heart attack at the wedding.
– 我们没见已经八年…不…九年 – 十七年了
– I haven’t seen you in eight, nine years. – 17 years.
你甚至都记不住我们有十七年没见面了？
You couldn’t even remember that we haven’t seen each other for 17 years?
我不擅长记忆
I didn’t dwell on it.
所以你头发变白了 耳朵变大了 鼻子变长了…
So your hair got whiter, your ears got bigger, your nose got longer…
但你仍保持着你这罕有的 难以捉摸的 蛋疼的个性
but you still retain that unique, elusive, pain in the ass quality
这种让我发狂的个性！
that drives me berserk.
好吧 你变了 当我在机场看到你时
Well you have changed. When I saw you at the airport,
我还以为你妈妈在那儿告诉我你死了
I thought you’d died and your mother came to tell me.
– 你这段子我在《宋飞传》里面听过了 – 所以我会那么快就会联想了
– I heard that line on the Seinfeld show. – It’s how fast I thought of it that counts.
开窗 我要把水倒出去
Open the window. I want to throw the water out.
窗户是开着的
It is open.
抱歉 他们一定刚刚擦过窗
Sorry, they must have just cleaned it.
感觉好点了么？出什么问题了？你舌头也扭伤了么？
Feeling better now? What’s the matter? Did you sprain your tongue too?
我在生我自己的气 我不该冲你喊叫
I’m angry at myself. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.
我们总是有不好的化学反应 我们混合在一起就像石油和冷冻酸奶
We’ve always had bad chemistry. We mix like oil and frozen yoghurt.
[奥兹：奥斯卡的爱称]
– 可是不管怎么说我见到你都很高兴 – 我也是 奥兹
– But I’m glad to see you anyway. – Me too, Oz.
[“nut”疯子也有坚果的意思 奥斯卡又在那别人话里的多义词开玩笑]
– 我这些天就像某种疯子 – 从山核桃到开心果
– I was some kind of nut in those days. – From pecan to pistachio.
我想我还是我 我恨脏乱还有无序
I guess I still am. I hate mess and I hate disorder.
我找过催眠师治疗我
I went to a hypnotist to try to cure me.
– 没起作用 是吧？ – 没有
– It didn’t work, right? – No.
他来晚了 我把他的办公室整理一新然后离开了
He was late. I straightened up his office and left.
你得离开高速 我想上厕所
You better pull off the freeway. I got to pee.
你好么 孩子？
How are you doing, kid?
– 你是服务生么？ – 你想要什么？
Are you the waiter? What do you want?
– 五美元 – 为什么我该给你五美元？
– $5. – Why should I give you $5?
你的朋友要告诉你他被锁在卫生间了
Your friend said you would for telling you he’s locked in the bathroom.
你为什么说要给他五块？一夸特他就肯干
Why did you tell him five bucks? He would have done it for a quarter.
我们走哪条高速路？
What freeway are we supposed to be on?
– 四〇五号♥ – 我觉得刚开过的牌子上显示的是一〇一
– The 405. – I think that sign back there said 101.
如果你都没有刚才在机场就嘘完的脑子
If you didn’t have the brains to pee back at the airport,
你又怎么明白指示牌上写什么？
how do you know what the sign said?
阅读和嘘嘘根本就是两回事
Reading and peeing are two different things.
在你这个年纪你能够做任何一件就够幸运的了
At your age you’re lucky you can do either one.
你女儿喜欢你么？她不会宴会后就马上去清洁的 是吧？
Is your daughter like you? She’s not going to clean up after the reception, is she?
我女儿棒极了 你儿子能追到她应该感到荣幸
My daughter is wonderful, and your son is damn lucky to get her.
– 让我再告诉你点事吧 – 别介 这就是我为什么要搬到佛罗里达
– Let me tell you something else. – Don’t. That’s why I moved to Florida.
我们再继续这样下去 我会到危地马拉生活的
We keep this up, I’ll be living in Guatemala.
这对我不是问题
That’s fine by me.
你现在退休了么？
Are you retired now?
我？永远不会！我部分时间的工作是在医院做慈善
Me? Never! I’m doing part-time charity work at the hospital.
– 你意思是摆放床和医用物品之类的这种工作 – 不
– You mean bed pans and stuff like that? – No.
我给他们读书 给他们读故事 给他们写信 给他们讲笑话
I read to them. I read them stories, write letters for them, tell them jokes.
这对我来说挺好 你知道自从我的最后一任妻子…
It’s good for me too, you know. After my last wife…
你可能对这事也有所耳闻
You’ve probably heard about that.
对这事我也很遗憾 我听说她尽快搬出去了
Sorry to hear that. I heard she went quickly.
她趁我还睡着的时候把东西都搬走了 连个字条都没给我留
Moved out while I was asleep. Never even left a note.
这是第三次离婚了吧？
Is that three divorces now?
三次离婚 两个烂债
Three divorces, two broken engagements,
还有五个第一次约会就再也见不到的女人
and five women who disappeared on the first date.
进了卫生间就再也没回来
Went to the ladies’ room, never came back.
这只是你命里有些坏运气罢了
You just had some bad luck with your personality.
我不会放弃的
I haven’t given up.
在这世上某处 我知道一定有个适合我的女人
Somewhere out there, I know there is a right woman for me.
要不我现在就停车让你找找？
Should I stop the car and look?
不 不过你靠边停一下 我要吃点东西
No, but pull over, I got to eat.
我有低血糖的毛病 每四个小时就得吃东西
I have this low sugar condition, I have to eat every four hours.
刚才我们在疯狂烤鸡店停的时候 你为什么不吃呢？
Why didn’t you eat when we stopped at El Pollo Loco?
因为那不是吃东西的时间 那是嘘嘘的点儿
Because it wasn’t time to eat, it was time to pee.
列个时间表 你要吃 要嘘
Make out a timetable, when you’re going to eat, pee,
要放屁 哭 还有睡觉的时间表 这是我最后一次从高速下来
fart, cry and sleep. That’s the last time I pull off the freeway.
我猜你从来不用上厕所？
I suppose you never have to pee?
我在早上用半小时解决掉 然后一天都不用再去了
I do it for half hour in the morning and then I’m through for the day.
你倒了些什么玩意？你在干什么？
What have you got there? What are you doing?
你怎么知道应该拿哪颗的？
How do you know which ones to take?
没什么难的 我任意拿六粒吃就可以了
Doesn’t make any difference. Whatever they fix, I’ve got.
– 你不用拿水送么？ – 用这里的水？
– Don’t you take them with water? – With the local water?
就这附近的水？
Water from around here?
你知道当地的水里混了多少杀虫剂？
Don’t you know how many pesticides they have in the local water?
小点声 这里的人还不知道他们这个星期就要死了
Lower your voice, people in here don’t know they’ll be dead in a week.
难道你还没调整好？
Didn’t you fix that yet?
快了 就再一下…
Almost. Just one…
这到底是怎么…？开窗！
What the hell…? Open a window.
– 我睡了多久？ – 我不知道你想让我计时来着
– How long was I asleep? – I didn’t know you wanted me to time it.
我们离开高速了 快到了么？
We’re off the freeway. Are we almost there?
– 我不这么想 – 我们在地图上的什么位置？
– I don’t think so. – What do the directions say?
没有地图 我把它从窗户扔出去了
They are gone. I threw them out of the window.
是什么让你做出这么缺心眼的事情？
What the hell made you do a stupid thing like that?
嗯 我把地图放在腿上 所以我没法低头看
Well, I had them on my lap so I could read them.
我点了根雪茄 烟灰落我裤裆上了 地图就着了
I lit my cigar, the hot ashes fell on my crotch, the map caught fire.
当然我有机会去找那房♥子
I had the choice of finding the house
或者点燃我身体最重要的部位
or burning one of most important parts of my body.
– 你觉得我会选什么？ – 你当然是选了得着个出口就下了高速
– Guess which I picked? – So you just picked any exit and got off?
– 我不得不在此地下高速 – 这根本不是“此地” 这是“某地”
– I had to get off some place. – This isn’t some place, this is no place.
停车 我行李箱里还有份地图
Pull over, I’ll get the directions out of my suitcase.
– 我行李箱呢？ – 在后备箱里
– Where is my suitcase? – In the trunk.
– 不在 – 你好好找了么？
– No. – Did you look good?
后备箱就这么大 一秒半就能一览无遗了
The trunk is this big. It takes a second and a half to look in there.
你一九二七年的破纸箱子在那儿 但我的箱子不在
Your 1927 piece of cardboard is there, but my suitcase isn’t.
你说什么哪 它肯定在那儿 我给你找
What are you talking about? It’s got to be there. Let me look.
我要在我诅咒你之前尽量保持冷静
I’m going to try to stay calm while I say the next sentence.
如果不在这 那这天杀的旅行箱到哪去了？
If it isn’t in there, where in the hell is my goddamn suitcase?
我这也是乱猜哈
This is a wild guess.
我得说可能落在租车办公室门前了
I’d say it’s in front of the Budget Rent A Car office.
– 在洛杉矶？ – 这还算个靠谱的猜测吧
– In Los Angeles? – That’s a good guess, too.
万能的主…我们得回去拿箱子！