疯狂店员3（2022）

Dental School?
那是我跟菜鸡鸡在1994年租的
Me and Veggie Dick rented that shit in 1994,
但我们从来没看过
but we never watched it
因为我们没有录放影机
’cause we didn’t have a VCR.
现在你可以把这
But now, you can put it on the shelf
放回电影出租店的架子上了
in the video store. Oh, yeah.
电影出租店10年前就倒了
Uh, the video store closed ten years ago.
是吗？
It did?
这里之前就是录影带店
This was the video store.
噢 对 我真是越来越
Oh, yeah, I’m getting senile
老年痴呆了
and shit right there, you know?
说吧 我们欠你多少逾期违约金？
So listen, how much we owe you for late fees?
这个吗 一美元一天 欠多久了？
Uh, well, let’s see, a dollar a day for what,
26 … 28年？
26, 28 years?
这样差不多有… 10220 美元
That’s, like, approximately… $10,220.
他们没倒带
Oh, didn’t rewind.
10220美元又50美分
$10,220 and 50 cents.
你们收加密货币吗？
You take crypto?
你们有加密货币？
You guys got crypto?
没有
No.
如果你们根本没看
If you never watched it,
为什么会没倒带？ -对啊
why was it not rewound? – Yeah.
欸 混帐 我说我们没有录放影机
Hey, asshole, I said we didn’t have a VCR.
但我们还是看了 我们拿起来对着灯光看的
We watched it. We held it up to the light.
讨厌的守旧主义者
Fucking Luddite.
听着 我们可以减免你
Listen, we’ll squash your giant late fees
《牙科学院》28年的逾期费用
on the 28-year-old copy of Dental School
只要你同意让我们在这里拍电影
if you let us shoot a movie in here.
拍爱情动作片吗？
Ooh, a pornography movie?
不是 不是色情电影
No, it’s not a porno movie.
色情的才有看头 我一定会花钱买♥♥
Sex sells, son, and I’m always buying
因为我是妹妹指挥官！
’cause I am the Clit Commander!
喵的咧！
Snootchie Bootchies.
♪ I love nachos
♪ Nachos from 7-Eleven
♪ I know that They’re bad for me
♪ When I eat them I’m in heaven
♪ 7-Eleven nachos!
♪ 7-Eleven nachos!
♪ 7-Eleven nachos!
♪ Liquid toppings Taste so good ♪
晚安
Goodnight.
37？
Thirty-seven?
那不能当桥段 蓝道
That’s not a scene, Randal.
快别写了
Stop writing it right now.
37不能出现在你的电影里
Thirty-seven cannot go in your movie.
给我闭嘴 现在已经很晚了
Shut the fuck up. It’s nighttime!
《便利之中》
“In Convenience”?
这是我的传记故事
It’s the story of my life.
满满168页的烂笑话
Hundred and sixty-eight pages full of dick jokes,
全都发生在一间便利商店里
set in a convenience store,
我花了一个晚上写完的
written in one night.
最后一句话可以不用说出来
Maybe don’t tell people that last part.
我还以为你会把电影叫做《便利商店》
I thought, you were gonna call it “Convenience Stories.”
那听起来太直白了
Yeah, that shit sounded too precious.
我是谁 魏斯安德森吗？
What am I, Wes Anderson?
从剧本看起来可不像
Not based on this script.
“只有一种反♥攻♥
“There is only one return
“不是反♥攻♥哪个王国 而是《绝地大反♥攻♥》”
“and it ain’t of the King, it’s of the Jedi.”
欸
Hmm. – Hey.
那天有人在慕比吐了的时候
You said that same thing about return
你也说过这句话
the day that guy threw up in Mooby’s
你还叫我去打扫干净 -对啊
and you made me clean it. – Yeah.
这本剧本里写的不是我说过的话
Everything in the script is something
就是我认识的人说过的话
either me or someone I know said,
我只不过是换了名字而已
I just made up new names.
不然呢 你以为我是作家吗？
What am I, some kind of writer?
对啊
Ah, yes.
区块链想知道
Blockchain would like to understand
为什么这两个女生会爱上这个叫蛋踢的角色
why the two girls are into this “Dan-T” character
蓝弟明明比较好笑
when the Randy character is much funnier.
这个问题
Randy has been asking himself
也困扰了蓝弟一辈子
the same question his whole life.
有什么不好吗？
What’s wrong with Dan-T?
看看他在第37页的出场
Read his first scene on page 37.
开什么玩笑？
Are you kidding me?
我在便利商店里的时间比你多得多
I’m in this convenience store way more than you,
可是在便利商店电影里
but I don’t come into your
我一直到第37页也才出场？
convenience store movie ’til page 37?
有很多剧情要铺设
I had a lot of exposition to do.
“蛋踢出场”
“Enter Dan-T.
“一个恐怖狰狞 面容恶心的男子” 这什么鬼？
“A hideous fuckin’ chud of a man.” What the fuck?
蛋踢又不一定是你
Well, maybe Dan-T’s not you.
不用对号♥入座
Do you ever think of that?
“蛋踢那噁心的小胡子
“Dan-T’s hideous fuckin’ chud of a beard
“一点都不像东尼史塔克 反倒像个为毒品牺牲色相的男妓
“doesn’t suggest Tony Stark so much as a male crack whore
“但还老想学东尼史塔克”
“who is cosplaying as Tony Stark.”
那只是画面效果的笔记
That’s just in the screen direction.
不会有人当着蛋踢的面说他
Nobody actually calls Dan-T
“噁心的小胡子”的
“a hideous fuckin’ chud.” To his face.
真不敢相信
I can’t believe you made me
你要我签保密协定
sign a non-disclosure agreement,
只为了读这份
only to read that I’m not even
我连主角都算不上的你的传记故事
one of the main characters in the story of your life.
我知道自己当不了主角路克
I mean, I knew I was never the Luke,
但至少会是韩索罗
but I thought I was at least the Han.
拜托 路克跟韩索罗
Oh, come on, I’m the Han
都是我 好吗？
and the Luke, right?
那我是谁 丘巴卡吗？
Then who am I, the Chewie?
我觉得艾利亚斯比较像丘巴卡 不是吗？
I think Elias is more the Chewie, no?
除非这是在帝国 那我就是蓝多
Unless this is Empire then I’m the Lando
他是洛博特了
and he’s the Lobot.
我连洛博特都当不上？
I’m not even the Lobot?
哪个是洛博特？
Which one’s Lobot?
他就是那个带着耳机 看起来
He’s the one with the headphones who looks like
像个想当DJ的老爹
a dad who’s trying to be a DJ.
就是从贝斯平星球来的那个秃子
The bald fucker from Bespin
整场电影一句屁话都不说
who never says nothing the whole movie.
那沉默鲍勃不就是洛博特吗？
Wouldn’t that make Silent Bob the Lobot?
不 杰跟沉默鲍勃绝对是C-3PO跟R2-D2
No. Jay and Silent Bob are clearly the C-3PO and R2-D2.
第一部电影里就有他们了
I mean, they’ve been here since the first movie,
一开始还很酷
which was the last time they were cool,
但他们实在是老屁♥股♥了
but they’ve been with the franchise so long
所以只好让他们继续客串
they still give them cameos
在便当盖上露个脸
and put them on the lunchboxes.
那我不是路克、不是韩索罗 不是丘巴卡、不是蓝多
So if I’m not Luke, Han, Chewie, Lando,
也不是机器人或洛博特
the droids or the Lobot,
那我在你的《星际大战》里面到底算是谁
then who the fuck am I in your Star Wars,
该不会是莉亚公主吧？ -不是
Princess fucking Leia? – No.
你是达克
You’re the Dak.
达克到底是哪位？
Who the fuck is Dak?
他是路克天行者
He’s Luke Skywalker’s tail gunner
在《霍斯战役》中的枪手
in the Battle of Hoth.
就是那个打算
You know, the guy who’s ready
独自对付整个帝国
to take on the whole Empire himself
最后却被帝国弄死了的家伙
until the Empire kills the shit out of him?
达克到底有没有机会展露拳脚
Did Dak even get an action figure?
在经典的原始设定里面没有
Not in the classic Kenner line, no.
为什么？
Because?
因为他在故事里面的角色看来不重要
Because he was deemed unimportant to the story.
但事实不是这样
But that’s just bullshit, man.
要是没有达克 路克很可能根本…
Without Dak, Luke could have never…
达克是唯一一个…
Like, Dak was the only guy that’s, like, uh…
达克超级勇敢 就跟你一样
I mean, Dak was plucky as shit, man, just like you.
我有个剧本的问题