污垢

也祝你圣诞快乐
And Merry Christmas to you, too, eh?
谢谢了 布鲁斯
Well, thank you for that, Bruce.
太爽了
Ah, feels so good.
滚一边去
Fuck off!
弗兰克·西德博特姆的奇幻脱口秀
大家好
Hello.
欢迎收看《奇幻脱口秀》
Welcome to the Fantastic Shed Show.
我妈在家
My mum’s in.
要是她听到我在院子里录电视节目
If she hears that I’m doing a TV show out in the garden,
她肯定会疯的
she’ll go mad.
骚蹄子邦蒂 骚蹄子邦蒂
Cunty Bunty, Cunty Bunty,
你的小♥穴♥发育得怎么样
how does your big minge grow?
-你好 -你好 邦蒂
– Hello? – Hello, Bunty.
我是弗兰克·西德博特姆
It’s Frank Sidebottom here.
我已经受够你了
I’ve had just about enough of you.
他已经告诉我们了
He told us, right, that you
你下面又肥毛又多 邦蒂
have got a big hairy fanny, though, Bunty.
-你真可悲 -还说
– You’re pathetic! – That you…
你喜欢肛♥交♥ 邦蒂
like to take it up the bum, Bunty.
-谁告诉你这些鬼话的 -是
– Who told you that nonsense? – Eh…
你准备好了吗 小弗兰克
Are you ready, Little Frank?
小弗兰克
Little Frank.
小弗兰克是谁
Who’s Little Frank?
我不能再说了 邦蒂 我得
I’m not talking any more, Bunty, I’ve got…
-是你吗 老妈 -是我妈
– Is that you, Mum? – Oh, it’s my mum.
没 我没有又给饥渴的妓♥女♥打电♥话♥
No, I’m not talking to dirty prostitutes again,
妈妈 你不能抢我的电♥话♥
Mum. You can’t have the phone…
感谢各位兄弟
Thank you, brothers.
今晚的议程和会议
That concludes the formal part
现在正式结束
of this evening’s proceedings and our meeting.
接下来让我们享受这安宁和谐的时刻吧
Let us now retire for a moment of harmony.
你为什么会当警♥察♥呢 布鲁斯
What made you join the force, bruce?
当警♥察♥可以作威作福啊 老兄
Police oppression, brother.
在我长大的矿区
I’d witnessed far too many cases of it
我见了太多这样的事情了
in the mining community I grew up in.
你想从内部改变这样的风气
And you wanted to stamp it out from the inside?
不 我想融入其中
No, I wanted to be a part of it.
你还真是个坏人 布鲁斯
You’re a terror, Bruce.
克利福德·布雷兹是一名注册会计师
Clifford Blades, a chartered accountant
也是个可悲的二♥逼♥
and therefore a sad wanker.
布雷西不仅是工会
Bladesey’s not only the newest
最新且最容易受骗的会员
and most gullible member of this Lodge,
也是最有钱的会员
he’s also the wealthiest.
游戏的理想目标 游戏规则照旧
Ideal target practice for the games. Same rules apply.
所以工会才这么适合我 布鲁斯
And that’s why the Craft’s been so good for me, Bruce.
人人平等
Everyone’s accepted.
不扯闲话了
Enough of that shite.
家里那事处理得怎么样了 布雷西
Are you getting any at home, Bladesey?
没有任何进展
Well, that side of things hasn’t improved.
那变♥态♥还是一直给邦蒂打电♥话♥
This crank caller just won’t stop phoning Bunty.
已经渐渐影响到她了 你懂的
It’s affecting her, you know…
女人嘛 你就得按时干♥她♥
Thing about women, you have to shag them regularly.
不停地上她
You keep them fucked, man,
她能为你做任何事
they will do absolutely anything for you.
其实也就两件事 给你骑 给你操
Actually, two things. Well shod, well shagged.
你也是这么对你老婆的吗 布鲁斯
And that’s what you do with your wife, Bruce?
当然没错了
Course it fucking is.
那些傻♥逼♥婚姻咨♥询♥师
See, these marriage counselling fucking spastics,
只会跟你扯一堆废话
they will tell you a load of shite.
婚姻问题的根源永远 永远都与性有关
The root of any marital problem is always, always sexual.
要是你不干自己女人 就会产生那种
If you’re no’ fucking the woman you’re with, it opens this…
-空虚感 -空虚感 没有错
– Vacuum. – …vacuum, which sure as fuck
其他人就会来填补
some other cunt is gonna come and fill,
用各种型号♥的苏格兰肉♥棒♥
and fill with several inches of
来填补 布雷兹老兄
prime Scottish beef, Brother Blades.
同时 如果她也满足不了你的需求
And, you see, if she’s no’ doing the same for you,
你也会去别的地方偷腥的 都一样
you go and get it somewhere else, just like that.
我得承认 我很期待我们的汉堡之行
I must say, I’m looking forward to our little trip to Hamburg.
-我也是 哥们 -有不错的博物馆
– Me too, pal. – Some nice museums.
各种妓♥女♥
Prostitutes.
不同肤色 不同体型 不同身材
Of all colours, shapes and sizes.
-干杯 -干杯
– Sláinte. – Sláinte.
抱歉 布鲁斯 我得去方便一下
Excuse me, Bruce. I have to spend a penny.
去吧 哥们 别掉进去就行
Go for your life, pal. Don’t fall in.
老规矩吗 罗伯森老弟
Will it be the usual, Brother Robertson?
是的 拜托了 赫克托
Oh, yes, please, Hector.
那就周末我家见了
I’ll see you at my place on the weekend then.
没问题
Okey-dokey.
老变♥态♥
Fucking pervert.
看来今晚你独自一人啊 罗伯森老弟
Ah, on your own tonight then, Brother Robertson?
很庆幸 我不是 托尔老兄
No, thankfully not, Brother Toal.
我刚好过来见见克利福德·布雷兹
I just popped in to see Clifford Blades.
你错过机会了
You’ve just missed him.
你跟布雷兹老兄
Well, aren’t you and Brother Blades
不已经是好兄好弟了吗
becoming quite the bosom buddies?
志趣相投而已
Oh, birds of a feather and all that.
说到布雷兹老兄
Talking of Brother Blades,
警局那些没用的东西
have those useless clowns from uniform
找到给他老婆打骚扰电♥话♥的变♥态♥了吗
found this pervert who keeps phoning his wife?
不幸的是还没有 头儿 没有
Regrettably not, sir, no.
一群废物
Spastics!
是啊
Aye.
你要不要查一下这个案子 布鲁斯
Look, would you mind overseeing it, Bruce?
一般这类琐事我不会让你去做
I wouldn’t normally ask with something so trivial,
但克利福德·布雷兹是工会
but we just can’t afford to be seen
这么重要的捐赠人
to be not taking care of
如果我再不管不问的话
such a potentially important benefactor
实在说不过去
to the lodge as Clifford Blades.
只要对工会好 就是对警局好 对吧
And what’s good for the lodge is good for the polis, eh?
这也是你能争取的另一个加分点
And another little brownie point for the promotion,
罗伯森老弟
Brother Robertson.
嘘 托尔 嘘嘘嘘
Hush-hush, Toal. Hush-hush.
你就放心把布雷兹夫妇交给我吧
Just you leave Mr and Mrs Blades in my safe hands,
好吗 托尔老兄
OK, Brother Toal?
你怎么就能把200镑弄丢了呢
How can you just misplace ￡200?
要是我发现你还有别的女人 克利福德
If I find out there’s another woman involved, Clifford…
宝贝儿 这是布鲁斯
This is Bruce,
我跟你提过的那个警探朋友
the detective friend I was telling you about, dear.
克利福德啊
Well, well, Clifford!
你可从来没提过家里藏着如此美人
You never told me you were hiding such a beautiful specimen.
真是鲜花插在牛粪上啊 小子
You are punching above your weight, champ.
就是你要在共济会周末
You’re the one who’s taking Clifford
带克利福德去斯卡伯勒吗
on this Masons’ weekend to Scarborough, right?
斯卡
Sc…
对 我是要带他去斯卡伯勒
Aye, I am taking him to Scarborough.
很高兴见到你 邦蒂
It’s a pleasure to meet you, Bunty.
请坐 我们谈谈正事
Please, to business.
我理解这些恶作剧电♥话♥有多让人不安
I understand how unsettling these prank calls must be to you,
但我希望你能勇敢些
but I would ask you to be brave.
过去我也对付过此类人♥渣♥
I’ve dealt with this kind of scum in the past
我可以告诉你 他们都是光说不做
and I can tell you, they’re all mouth and no trousers.
不过 朝他摔电♥话♥
However, slamming the phone down on him
只会让他愈发觉得刺♥激♥ 明白吗
is only going to encourage him, OK?
如果我认为他是我认为的那种人
And if I know this guy like I think I know this guy,
那他就是那种人
he’s gonna like that.
所以我希望你适当纵容他一下
So I need you to indulge him a little bit.
他很快就不缠你了
He’ll soon come unstuck.
但你同事让我不要顺从他
But your uniformed colleague said not to encourage him.
没错 是这样的 对缺乏经验的
Oh, aye. No, we tell the younger,
年轻警♥察♥都是这么说的 没错
less experienced officers that, aye.
通常这样能暂时遏制住他们