与安德烈晚餐（1981）

我记得在某个极度黑暗的夜里
And then I remember one incredibly dark night…
我们在一片绿洲上 棕榈树随风舞动
being at an oasis, and there were palm trees moving in the wind…
我听见宏山在很远的地方 用他甜美的男低音歌♥唱
and I could hear Kozan singing far away in that beautiful bass voice.
我在沙地中尝试循着声音跟过去
And I tried to follow his voice along the sand.
[笑声]
[Laughing]
你看 沃利 我还以为他要授我以道
You see, I thought he had something to teach me, Wally.
有时候 我会和他一起冥想
And sometimes I would meditate with him.
有时候我则会走开 独自冥想
Sometimes I’d go off and meditate by myself.
我甚至看到过乔姬塔的幻影
You know, I would see images of Chiquita.
有一次我真的看见她在老去
Once I actually saw her growing old…
她的头发变成灰色 就在我的眼前
and her hair turning gray in front of my eyes.
于是我就这么恸哭 扯破喉咙地叫喊 独自在那片沙丘上
And I would just wail and yell my lungs out out there on the dunes.
总之 沙漠是很可怕的
Anyway, the desert was pretty horrible.
冷的要命
It was pretty cold.
我们在寻找某些东西 但即便找到了 我们也不会认出它
We were searching for something, but we couldn’t tell if we were finding anything.
有一次 我和宏山-
You know that once Kozan and I —
我们坐在一个沙丘上 一起吃沙子
we were sitting on a dune, and we just ate sand.
不 我们不是在找乐子 是我先开始的 然后他也开始了
No, we weren’t trying to be funny. I started, then he started.
我们不停吞下沙子 再吐出来 我们当时就是那么绝望
We just ate sand and threw up. That’s how desperate we were.
换句话说 我们不知道自己为什么在这 我们不知道自己在寻找些什么
In other words, we didn’t know why we were there. We didn’t know what we were looking for.
整个事情看起来 彻底地陷入荒谬 无趣 和空洞中
The entire thing seemed completely absurd, arid and empty.
就好像 呃- 这是最后一次机会什么的
It was like, uh — like a last chance or something.
呃
Huh.
那后来呢？
So what happened then?
那些日子
Well, in those days…
我全凭心血来潮做事
I went completely on impulse.
所以心血来潮地我把宏山带回纽约 和我们住在一起
So on impulse I brought Kozan back to stay with us in New York…
就在我们从撒哈拉回来后 他住了半年
after we got back from the Sahara, and he stayed for six months.
某种方式上 他真的有点接管了整个家 – 你指的是什么?
And he really sort of took over the whole family, in a way. – What do you mean?
是这样 那时候的家里 显然是缺少了一个中心点
Well, there was certainly a center missing in the house at the time.
显然 缺少的是一位父亲 因为我那时总是想着
There certainly wasn’t a father, ’cause I was always thinking…
去西♥藏♥或者别的什么鬼事
about going off to Tibet or doing God knows what.
于是他教会了全家去冥想
And so he taught the whole family to meditate…
所有那些他说的事 都关于亚洲 东方 还有他的寺院什么的
and he told them all about Asia and the East and his monastery and everything.
他妥妥地用他满口袋的戏法迷住了所有人
He really captivated everybody with an incredible bag of tricks.
沃利 他真的进化了自己
He had literally developed himself, Wally…
他能全靠手指的支撑 从椅子中立起来
so that he could push on his fingers and rise off out of his chair.
说真的 他可以做到这样-
I mean, he could literally go like this —
按着他的手指起来 几乎倒立
You know, push on his fingers and go into like a headstand…
然后只用两根手指撑在那儿
and just hold himself there with two fingers.
还有 如果乔姬塔突然有点颈椎不适
Or if Chiquita would suddenly get a little tension in her neck…
他会马上让她躺在地板上 在她背上踏上踏下
well, he’d immediately have her down on the floor, he’d be walking up and down on her back…
做这种难以置信的按♥摩♥
doing these unbelievable massages, you know.
另外 他对孩子们有种神奇的吸引力
And the children found him amazing.
我是说 你看 我们去拜访过一些有子女的朋友
I mean, you know, we’d visit friends who had children…
一眨眼他就会和孩子们玩起来了
and immediately he’d be playing with these children…
他的那种方式 你我都做不到
in a way that, you know, we just can’t do.
你看那些孩子们不停地傻笑 傻笑
I mean, those children — just giggles, giggles, giggles…
笑这个日本和尚在这一堆袍子里做的事
about what this Japanese monk was doing in these holy robes.
他既是个杂耍者 又是一个口♥技♥表演家
I mean, he was an acrobat, a ventriloquist…
还是一个魔术师 所有这些
a magician, everything.
你知道吗 最让人惊讶的是
You know, the amazing thing was that…
我不觉得他对孩子们有任何一点关心
I don’t think he had any interest in children whatsoever.
一点也没有 我甚至不觉得他喜欢他们
None at all. I don’t think he liked them.
当他和我们住在一起时
I mean, you know, when he stayed with us…
第一周里 孩子们的眼睛光围着他转
in the first week, really, the kids were just googly-eyed over him.
几周以后 如果我和乔姬塔出门了
But then a couple of weeks later, Chiquita and I could be out…
如果玛丽娜得了流感 或者高烧华氏104度
and Marina could have flu or a temperature of 104…
他甚至不会走进去向她打招呼的
and he wouldn’t even go in and say hello to her.
但他那时接管得越来越多
But he was taking over more and more.
他自己的习惯已经彻底改变了
I mean, his own habits had completely changed.
你知道吗 他开始在白色僧袍下 穿那些雅致的古驰鞋子
You know, he started wearing these elegant Gucci shoes under his white monk’s robes.
他吃的简直多极了
He was eating huge amounts of food.
你要知道 他吃的有尼古拉斯两倍多
I mean, he ate twice as much as Nicolas ate, you know?
当我刚遇见这个小个子和尚时
This tiny little Buddhist when I first met him, you know…
他在吃一碗牛奶- 热牛奶泡米饭-
was eating a little bowl of milk– hot milk with rice —
现在他却吃大块的牛排
was now eating huge beef.
真是无奇不有
It was just very strange.
我们尝试在一起工作 可它其实大部分都是
You know, and we had tried working together, but really our work consisted mostly…
我一个人试着去做极为痛苦的修行 像寺庙里的和尚一样
of my trying to do these incredibly painful prostrations that they do in the monastery.
所以 我们实际上就没什么合作
You know, so really we hadn’t been working very much.
后来 我们去了乡下 一起去参加圣诞弥撒
Anyway, we were out in the country, and we all went to Christmas mass together.
他穿上了他全副佛教♥徒♥服饰
You know, he was all dressed up in his Buddhist finery.
可那是长岛上 一所极为枯燥乏味的天主教堂
And it was one of those — one of those awful, dreary Catholic churches on Long Island…
神父们谈论的都是共♥产♥主义和计划生育
where the priest talks about communism and birth control.
当我身处弥撒中的时候 我就想“我到底是怎么了？”
And as I was sitting there in mass, I was wondering, “What in the world is going on?”
我是说 这是我 一个成人
I mean, here I am. I’m a grown man…
还有这个古怪的家伙 住在我的家里 我不工作-
and there’s this strange person living in the house, and I’m not working —
除了在日记里胡乱涂几首诗 我终日无所事事
You know, I was doing nothing but scribbling a little poetry in my diary.
我也找不到教课的工作了 而且我不知道自己想做什么
And I can’t get a job teaching anymore, and I don’t know what I want to do.
突然间 一个巨大的怪物出现了 盯着教堂里的人群
When all of a sudden a huge creature appeared, looking at the congregation.
它大概有 我想是6英尺8英寸左右-
It was about, I’d say, 6’8″ — something like that, you know…
它是个- 半人 半牛
and it was — it was half bull, half man…
它的皮肤是蓝色的
and its skin was blue.
它的眼皮里长出紫罗兰 脚趾甲中长出罂粟花
It had violets growing out of its eyelids and poppies growing out of its toenails.
整个弥撒它就那么站在那
And it just stood there for the whole mass.
你看 我就是不能让它消失
I mean, I could not make that creature disappear.
我当时想 “哦 我看到它只是因为我无聊”
You know, I thought, “Oh, well. You know, I’m just seeing this ’cause I’m bored.”
然后闭上-（眼睛） 我就是不能让他消失
You know, close my– I could not make that creature go away.
好 我没跟别人说起它 因为这会让人觉得我有病
Okay. Now, I didn’t talk with people about it, because they’d think I was weird…
但我觉得这个怪物是来宽慰我的
but I felt that this creature was somehow coming to comfort me…
不知怎么 它出现是要告诉我
that somehow he was appearing to say…
“现在 你也许感到低落 也许你写不出一部戏来
“Well, you may feel low and you might not be able to create a play right now…
可看看平安夜谁来找你了 坚持住 老朋友
“but look at what can come to you on Christmas Eve. Hang on, old friend.
也许我在你眼里很古怪 但在这些古怪的旅途中
“I may seem weird to you, but on these weird voyages…
就会有古怪的生物出现
“weird creatures appear.
这是你旅程的一部分 你一切都好 坚持下去”
It’s part of the journey. You’re okay. Hang in there.”
顺便问下 呃 你有没有看过
By the way, uh, did you ever see…
一部叫《蓝色紫罗兰》的戏？
that play, uh, The Violets are Blue?
没有
No.
哦 当你提到紫罗兰 这-让我想起来了
Oh, when you mentioned the violets, it-it reminded me of that.
它是关于 呃嗯 人们
It-It was about, um, people…
被困在- 困在一艘潜水艇里
being, uh, strangled on a — on a submarine.
嗯
Hmm.
[叹息声]好 这些就是- [咯咯笑]这些就是圣诞节的时候
[Sighs] Well, so that was — [Chuckles] that was Christmas.
那后来呢？
What happened after that?
你真的对这些感兴趣？ – 是的
Do you really want to hear about all this? – Yeah.
好 那个时候
Well, around that time…
我开始产生去印度的念头 而宏山有天突然离开了
I was beginning to think about going to India. And Kozan suddenly left one day.
那个时候我开始有些非常奇怪的想法
I was beginning to get into a lot of very strange ideas around that time.
比如说 我有了这么个- 我有这样一个主意-
Now, for example, I’d developed this — Well, I got this idea which I —
它在当时非常吸引我-
Now, it was very appealing to me at the time, you know —
是这样 我想有面旗帜 一面很大的旗子
which was that I would have a flag, a large flag…
我到哪里工作 它就在哪飘扬
and that wherever I worked, this flag would fly.
如果是一个小组 我们去了郊外 还能铺下旗帜 夜里躺在上面睡觉
Or if we were outside, say, with a group, that the flag could be the thing we lay on at night…
通过工作在旗帜上 睡在旗帜上
and that somehow, between working on this flag and lying on this flag…
旗帜飘扬在我们头顶
this flag flying over us…
这样 这面旗帜就会沾染上某种心灵感应
that the flag would pick up vibrations of a kind…
这样我把它带回家后 这种东西也会留在旗帜里
that would still be in the flag when I brought it home.
所以我去找了个 我听说过的造旗人
So I went down to meet this flag maker that I’d heard about.
那是一个看上去特别耿直的人
And you know, there was this very straightforward-looking guy.
你知道的 既很友善又很健康什么的 英俊高大 金发
You know, very sweet, really healthy-looking and everything. Nice big, blond.
他有村子里一间漂亮干净的阁楼 放满了可爱的好看的旗子
And he had a beautiful, clean loft down in the village with lovely, happy flags.
我当时满脑子都是 《小王子》 所以跟他聊了《小王子》
And I was all into The Little Prince, and I talked to him about The Little Prince…
聊那些冒险 无话不说 我告诉他我想用旗子做什么 它应该是什么样的
These adventures and everything, how I needed the flag and what the flag should be.
他显得很感兴趣
He seemed to really connect with it.
所以 两周以后 我又回来了
So, two weeks later, I came back.
他向我展示了一面旗子 而我觉得它十分古怪
He showed me a flag that I thought was very odd, you know…
因为我本来- 这么说吧
’cause I had, you know — well, you know…
我本来期待一种温和又抒情的效果
I had expected something gentle and lyrical