边缘日记（1995）

I looked at his body,
那是我第一次面对死亡
and it was death for the first time.
他的脸瘦削苍老
His face was thin and wrinkled, almost apelike.
他的头发 只是头皮上几块灰色的片
His hair, just gray patches on his scalp.
他看上去有六十了 但事实上他才十六岁
He looked 60 years old, and he was 16.
我不敢相信他变得这么瘦…
Couldn’t believe how skinny he was…
比在医院时还要瘦很多
much skinnier than he was in the hospital.
就好像是把你认识的某人的骨架
It was like having the skeleton of someone you knew
摆在你面前一样
put right in front of you.
我头晕 像是
I felt dazed, like
刚看了四小时长的晦涩电影
I’d just come out of a four-hour movie I didn’t understand.
我不断想到他的脸
I kept thinking about his face…
和死亡
and death…
这整件事就是个骗局
what a cheat the whole thing was.
你们记得那年万圣节
Hey, you guys remember that Halloween
鲍比装了一袋子狗屎
when Bobby filled that paper bag with dog shit,
点着了之后放在邓恩神父门口
lit it on fire and put it outside Father Dunne’s door,
而我们就藏在垃圾桶后面吗
and we all hid behind the dumpster?
记得
Yeah.
我清楚记得邓恩神父
I could picture Father Dunne
走出来 踩到狗屎
comming outside, stepping on that shit.
记得他在厕所里
Picture him in the john
像这样把狗屎从鞋上弄下来
scraping the shit off his shoe like this.
你觉得这样他就上不了天堂了吗
You think that’ll keep him out of heaven?
开什么玩笑 上帝自己
Are you kidding? Jesus Christ himself
都会笑的 那实在是太搞了
would have laughed at that. It was hilarious!
还有那次开会
What about the time at the formal
鲍比和玛丽·安在
when Bobby got caught in the bathroom
厕所被抓到
with Mary Ann Dugan
之后麦克纳帝进来把他抽了一顿
and McNulty came in and busted him?
他还说 “神父 我发誓
He was, like, “Father, I swear.
我们什么也没做”
We weren’t doing anything.”
那时候她脸上还有
Meanwhile she’s got a giant wad of cum
一大滩精♥液♥往下流
hanging off her face.
那孩子就是个混球
I tell you, that kid was definitely a pisser.
今天看见他有点古怪
It was weird seeing him today, man.
他全身都是皱纹
He was all shriveled up and wrinkled.
像我爷爷似的
He looked like my grandfather.
不过
I’ll tell you what, though.
他当时太痛苦了
That kid was in so much pain,
还是早点死了比较好
it’s better off he died.
你♥他♥妈♥怎么知道的 米奇
How the hell would you know, Mickey?
你去看过他吗
Did you go and visit him?
你们谁去看过他
Any of you guys go and visit him?
都他妈的闭嘴
All right. Then shut the fuck up.
吉姆 我哥哥的女友在公园里
Hey, Jim. Look at my brother’s girlfriend in the park.
坐着吃三明治
She’s sitting there, eating a sandwich.
之后 她被杀了
Next thing you know, she’s shot in the head.
她死了 全完了
She’s dead. It’s over.
小泰迪·瑞希尔呢
What about little Teddy Rayhill?
说得好
Perfect example.
记得那天晚上他在楼顶
Remember that night he was up on the roof,
嗑药嗑得很嗨
and he was doing poppers, having a great time,
笑疯了
laughing his ass off
然后他开始往后退…
He started walking backwards…
咚的一声 从他妈的楼顶上掉下去了
Boom! He fell right off the goddamn roof.
这都是注定的 不是吗
It was meant to be, right?
去你♥妈♥的♥
Fuck that, you guys!
鲍比是这儿最牛逼的人 你们知道吗
Bobby was the best fucking guy around, you know that?
你们呢 一群白♥痴♥
What are you, a bunch of idiots?
你们懂什么
You don’t even understand, do you?
吉姆 你没事吧
Jim, you all right?
也许你该和神父聊聊
Listen, maybe you should talk to one of the priests.
也许… 也许他们能帮你
I don’t know. Maybe… Maybe they can help you out.
帮我
Help me out?
我才不会向他们请求帮助
I wouldn’t ask one of those cocksuckers for directions.
知道么
You know what?
你们都给我听着
You guys need to lighten the fuck up, all right?
过去的事就过去了
Let bygones be fucking bygones.
这该死的世界
Shitty fucking world.
你得活在当下 知道吗
Live life to the fucking fullest. You know what I mean?
总会有倒霉的事
Shit happens, man.
总他妈的会有倒霉的事
Shit fucking happens.
走吧
Come on. Let’s go.
吉姆 走吧
Jim, come on.
你慢慢长大了
You’re growing up,
雨水似乎还挂在树上
and rain sort of remains on the branches of a tree
总有一天会统治这个世界
that will someday rule the earth.
下雨很好
And that’s good that there’s rain.
清洗掉多日来的阴霾
Clears the month of your sorry rainbow expressions.
也将街道洗刷干净
And it clears the streets of the silent armies
所以我们可以跳舞了
so we can dance.
我有没有讲过我第一次吸海♥洛♥因♥的事
Did I ever tell you about the first time I did heroin?
我去了佩德家的地下室
I went down to Pedro’s basement.
打靶场的储藏室里
All sorts of characters
有各路货色
were in the storage-room shooting gallery.
我开始只是想吸一包
I was just going to sniff a bag,
但有个人说
but a guy says,
“如果你要吸 那还不如用抽的
“If you’re going to sniff, might as well pop it,
如果你要用抽的 还不如用静脉注射”
and if you’re going to pop it, might as well mainline.”
我怕针头
I was scared of needles,
但我妥协了
but I gave in.
就像是有一股暖流穿过我的身体
It was like a long heat wave through my body.
所有疼痛 悲伤
Any ache or pain or sadness
和负罪感都被冲走了
or guilty feeling was completely flushed out.
妈 我没心情
Look, Ma, I’m not in the mood
听你的廉价心理学
for your dime-store psychology, all right?
能让我自己待着吗
Could you just please leave me alone?
我有点难受
I got a little sick, all right?
我们不能这样活着 吉姆
We’re not going to live like this, Jim.
我们不能这样活着
We’re not going to live like this.
我警告你 我告诉你
I’m warning you! I’m telling you.
妈
Oh, God, Mom.
你总是在警告我 不是吗
You’re always warning me, aren’t you?
没完没了 总在我耳边啰嗦
Blah, blah, blah. You’re always in my fucking ear.
你什么都不懂
Blah, blah, blah. You don’t know anything.
你说什么
What are you talking about?
去擦厕所吧 该干什么干什么
Go clean toilets or whatever the hell it is you do.
等你干完了 也把我处理了
When you’re done, clean this one.
别这样说话
Don’t talk like that!
你到底怎么了
What’s the matter with you?
妈 知道吗…
Gee whiz, Ma, you know…
我们应该经常谈谈心
we got to have these heart-to-heart talks more often.
真的有好处
They’re really good for us.
我不认识你了
I don’t know you.
我不相信这是你 吉姆
I don’t believe this is you, Jim.
别这样 吉姆 我都不认识你了
Please, Jim. I don’t know who you are.
我知道 我原来是个乖孩子…
Yeah, I know. I was such a good little boy, right…
有很大的潜力 是吧
with such potential, wasn’t that it?
你是想说这些吗
Is that what you’re going to say?
吉姆 你怎么了
Oh, Jim. What’s happening?
吉姆 你怎么了
Jim, what’s happening?
开始 只是周六晚上的消遣
First, it’s a Saturday-night thing,
感觉不错 自己好像成了个暴徒或者摇滚明星
and you feel cool, like a gangster or a rock star.
只是为了消磨下时间
It’s just something to kill the boredom, you know?
他们管这叫小爱好
They call it a chippie, a small habit.
你爱上了这种感觉 所以每周二也吸了
It feels so good, you start doing it on Tuesdays,
然后是每周四
then Thursdays.
于是你染上了毒瘾
Then it’s got you.
街上的每个小混混都说
Every wise-ass punk on the block says
他们不会染上毒瘾