佐伊的超凡圣诞节（2021）

天哪 这种照片也能放吗
Oh, God. They allow that online?
这样吧 我们…不如
You know what? Let’s, um–how about
我们给你创建一个简单的档案
we fill out a quick profile for you instead?
接着我的话说完
Finish this sentence.
今年 我想尝试的是…
This year, something I would like to try is…
多学习马匹疗法
Learn more about equine therapy.
对我来说没得商量的是…
Something that is nonnegotiable for me is…
-背上毛太多 -妈 好吧
– Excessive back hair. – Mom, okay.
我确信找到另一半的证据是…
I know I have found the one when…
我不再每时每刻都想着你父亲了
I stop thinking about your father every second of the day.
我觉得自己暂时没准备好约会
I don’t think I’m ready for this yet.
我们先搁置一下约会的事
Let’s just put a pin in the dating stuff
等节日过来再继续 怎么样
and we’ll revisit it after the holidays, okay?
抱歉
Sorry.
我们装饰树吧
Let’s do the tree.
-看起来怎么样 -好极了
– All right, how we doing? – Amazing.
我喜欢这张我们完成铁人三项马拉松的照片
Love this one of us finishing the Ironman triathlon
然后迈尔斯坐着婴儿车在我们前面
with Miles in a stroller in front of us.
婴儿车真是神来之笔
The stroller was a fantastic touch.
对 瓦伊纳这钱花得值得
Yeah. Vanja is worth all the money.
全部都值得
All of it.
现在我们只需要写简报了
Now, all we have left to do is actually write the newsletter.
那问题就是
So the question is how far
我们能编的多夸张 却依然能让人信服
can we take it while also still being believable?
比如 没错 我们攀登了喜马拉雅山
For example, yes, we climbed the Himalayas.
迈尔斯成了一款有机婴儿奶粉的新代言人
And Miles is the new face of an organic baby formula.
我喜欢这个 非常好
Ooh, I love that. That’s so good,
但我们没完成我们别♥墅♥的别栋
but we did not finish the addition to our compound.
-什么 -亚当可能查询建筑记录
– Why not? – I mean, Adam can look up building records.
我们不知道他会干什么
We have no idea what he’s capable of.
说得对 那男人是个怪物
Great point. The man’s a monster.
好吧 那我猜书写
Okay, so then I guess writing
美国下一部伟大小说也不行了
the next Great American novel is off the table too then?
对 我们不想在明年的
Yeah, we–we don’t wanna have to explain
圣诞简报里解释为什么书没有出版
why it never came out in next year’s Christmas newsletter.
-真有趣 -对
– This is fun. – Yeah.
好吧 那不如我们这样写
Okay, so then how about we start with this?
又是一年
Another year…
满满破纪录的书
For the record books.
不错
Ooh, that’s nice.
我们的神奇小家伙又一次成功了
Somehow our magical little brood has done it again.
宝贝 你该去当作者
Baby, you should be a writer.
谢了 其实
Oh, thanks. Um, you know,
我确实在考虑开始写
I’ve actually been thinking about starting, like,
家庭煮夫的博客
a stay-at-home daddy blog.
不 我觉得你不该写
Oh, no, I don’t think you should do that.
早 你在干什么
Morning. What are you doing?
我的裙子上缝亮片 好惊艳我的男人
Sewing sequins onto tiny little robes to impress my man.
-你呢 -我不明白
– You? – I don’t get it.
怎么 我每次过来爱吃的那些
What…where are all the delicious treats you make
你做的美味点心都去哪了
that I then come over and eat and love?
妹子 你知道我创作的时候
Girl, you know I don’t have time for baked goods
没空烘培
when I’m in the act of creation.
抱歉
Oh, sorry.
这些是给孩子们盛会用的吗
Uh, are those for the kid’s pageant?
我想你说的是
I believe you mean
“这些是给孩子们的节日盛大表演用的吗”
“Are these for the children’s holiday extravaganza?”
那我的回答就是 “没错
Which my response would be, “Yes.
我在启动我的内在玛丽亚”
I’m channeling my inner Mariah.”
抱歉 我只是 我很需要加油打气
I’m sorry. I just, uh–I really need to fuel up
因为我今天有好多圣诞节事项要做
because I have so much Christmas stuff to do today.
跟你一样 我想惊艳我的家人
I, like you, am trying to impress my family
重现完美的米奇圣诞节
by recreating the perfect Mitch Christmas,
而且我想完全做对
and I wanna get it exactly right.
但想办好这个节
But there are just so many little details
有太多细节了 我之前都不知道
that go into the whole thing. I had no idea!
不如你别对自己这么严格
Why don’t you just make it easier on yourself
来麦克斯莫参加我的圣诞颂K歌♥
and come to my Christmas Carol-oke night at Maximo’s.
那是为疲惫的灵魂准备的 你绝对符合
It’s for all weary souls and you definitely qualify.
我觉得你这么做很了不起
I think it’s very awesome that you’re doing that,
但这不符合我的家庭传统 所以
but it just doesn’t fit in my family traditions, so…
好吧 红鼻子驯鹿
Okay, my little red-nosed reindeer.
我能帮你什么
How can I do helping?
-看看这个 -天哪
– Take a look at this. – Well, damn.
这是干什么 过节还是抢银行
What are we doing, celebrating the holidays or robbing a bank?
-是吧 我之前说了 -好吧
– Yeah, I told you. – All right.
先从开头的地方开始
Well, let’s start at the beginning.
你列表上的第一项是什么
What’s number one in your list?
当然了 我列表上的第一项
Of course, my number one on my list
是像我爸爸那样给所有人买♥♥完美的礼物
is getting great gifts for everyone just like my father did.
天哪 你最不会送人礼物了
Oh, my God. You’re an awful gift-giver.
我知道
I’m aware.
但你可以跟着一个穿着超美鞋子的人
But you follow someone with a very cute shoes
买♥♥她买♥♥的东西
and get whatever she gets.
我爱这个计划
I love this plan!
然后我得在平安夜之前把整个房♥子
Then I have to get the whole house ready
全部装饰好
and decorated by Christmas Eve.
那很简单 外包出去
Oh, that’s easy. Outsource!
你得 你得 你得多来点那个
You gotta–you gotta–you gotta get more, uh, stuff.
我知道 我知道 我还有
I know, I know, I got plenty.
-好 -我从没装饰过
– All right. – I’ve never done this.
-再来一个 再来一个 -我能行
– One more, one more, one more. – I got this.
-谢谢 -不错
– Thank you. – Nice.
事不过三
Third time’s the charm.
-都好了吗 -我其实是想往那个方向
– Are we good? – I think more that way.
不 那边
No, that way.
然后我得准备最完美的平安夜大餐
And then I have to cook the perfect Christmas Eve dinner.
嗯 这个我也没有建议了
Yeah, I don’t have any advice for that.
愿主仁慈 上帝帮助我们大家
Lord have mercy. God help us all.
喂
Hello?
-祝几乎圣诞节快乐 -快乐
– Merry almost Christmas. – Merry?
是吗 真的快乐吗
Is it? Is it actually merry?
抱歉 但是这是什么意思
I’m sorry, but, like, what does that even mean?
一年里我们什么时候
At what other point in the year
会对别人说快乐什么的
do we ever tell each other merry anything?
听起来你的假期也过得不错
It sounds like your break is going well then.
抱歉 我只是
Sorry, I’m just–
我想烹饪出
I am trying to cook
史上最完美的米奇圣诞节大餐
the perfect Mitch Christmas Eve dinner
喂饱六个成年人和一个宝宝 我告诉你
for six people and, baby, let me tell you,
事实不像我计划的那么顺利
it is not going as, uh, swimmingly as I had planned.
我猜你原计划的
Well, I guess that means the fam
家人四散飞计划没戏了
didn’t go scattering to the wind.
我忘了告诉你
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
我灵光一现
I had the bright idea to convince
说服了所有人留下
everyone into sticking around,
这样我们就能过一个最棒的
all so that we can have the best
没有爸爸的老爸圣诞节
non-Dad Dad Christmas ever.
如果能让你好受点
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
我刚看到了一个可能是脱衣舞精灵
I just saw what I think was a stripper elf
戴着麋鹿耳朵从我身边走过 所以
with reindeer ears on walk by, so…
对对对对 你在拉斯维加斯
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re in Vegas.
跟你妈妈和她新男友见面如何
How’s it being with your mom and the new guy?
非常复杂
Definitely complicated.
看的魔术秀比我想象的要多
More magic shows than I thought.
不过我告诉你 无论你的晚餐
I’ll tell you this though, whatever that dinner
最终变成什么样 肯定比
is turning out to be, it’s gonna be better than
我一会要吃的自助餐要好
this all-you-can-eat buffet I’m about to go to.
天哪 你想跟我交换吗
Oh, my God. You wanna trade me?
因为现在我愿意用一切换
‘Cause I would do anything for a crab leg